EP's UH (Universal Healing) Journal

[StridingStrider]

OGSF.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

OGSF.

Okay, thanks dude for the feedback. I appreciate it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So... My latest cycle ended like two weeks ago and I decided to take (what I believe to be) Shannon's advice and continue using UH for at least another 6 month cycle. 


I am going around and around in circles and I am getting sick of it. I do not WANT to forgive my ex friend for essentially discarding me like trash. I do not want to forgive I think maybe because doing so constitutes tacitly condoning how shitty I was treated. I refuse to let go of the past because I see it as inherently disrespectful to myself to do so. But it feels like an unworkable situation. A catch 22. A double bind I'm putting myself in. Because until I do forgive, I probably can't fix my energy enough to get my manifestations right, and I certainly block myself off from happiness. But I'm so angry and  I'm having a hard time getting to the core of what I TRULY want and the TRUE reason why I'm so unwilling to let this go. I'm trying to move on and shift my focus away from resenting that which has hurt me and focusing on what I DO want and how I WANT to feel instead. But I'm having a rough go of it. I don't fully know what I truly want and what's worse, I'm having a hard time imagining how it would feel to truly get it. And tbh I'm beginning to worry the usefulness of UH has it's limits. Hopefully I'm wrong and I won't be banging my head against this wall again for another 6 months without it changing. I mean, Shannon said to "finish what I started" Well what exactly does that constitute? Does it ever reach a point of being "finished"? And how long will that take??

I'm tired of running around in these circles. And yet I know I'ma just keep running in circles indefinitely. I hate it! I'm so tired of it. But I don't want to let this go! There's something underneath it all that I DO want that prevents me from forgiveness, but I don't really quite know what it is.

[Johannesbrst]

Hi there,

I've been following your development for quite some time and the situation with your friend seems to be something that has stuck with your for a while now, so I feel that it could be worth chipping in my five cents on the matter.

I think you are right on the money when you recognize that the issue is not the situation with your friend per se, it is merely a symtom of something deeper within yourself causing you to react the way you do.

The thought pattern that you "don't want to allow her mistreatment because of your self-respect" is a fallacy. You are again and again giving away the keys of your self-respect to someone else, you are putting your well-being into her hands, thinking that she is the only person that can make you feel good about yourself again. That's not true. That's outer locus of control. That's trying to live life and controlling things you can't control. The only thing you can control is how you look at yourself and feel about yourself and how you react to what happens to you in life. Focus on that. Focus on working through your emotions and notice where you find resistance in doing so, often because it's related with facing an emotion you don't want to face. But the only way to transform an emotion is to become fully present with it and feel it for what it is, only then you can be ready to let it go. Don't assume it's something you can do intellectually, you need to do it deeply emotionally. Which often is painful as hell, but bring something good with it if you do it fully.

I had a similar situation recently and it made me think about why I reacted so strongly. I came to the realization that it wasn't the mere fact that I felt hurt, but that I was worried about how it would be perceived by other people, as well as that I was way to invested about what she thought about me, than what's healthy to be. Both things caused by a faulty sense of self esteem, bound up into people outside of myself, rather than finding my sense of comfort inside of myself.

I'm not certain this is the case for you, but the thought may be worth pondering. Don't think so much on the situation on hand, as this probably is what give you the feeling of running in circles, rather focus on what you feel inside and breathe trough it. Take a long walk and be with yourself and your emotions and feel what you feel right now and let it resurface, without directing it with your thoughts. Don't try to live in the future or the past, just live in the present moment of what you feel exactly right now and stay in that and let it unfold as it need to. The rest will come from that. Everything we do in life starts from the present moment, so we need to get through our coping mechanisms and attempts to hide from the present moment if we want to have a chance of directing our lives.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thank you for taking time to not only write this response, but to follow my journal. TBH I figured people had lost interest in my journal.

"The thought pattern that you 'don't want to allow her mistreatment because of your self-respect' is a fallacy. You are again and again giving away the keys of your self-respect to someone else, you are putting your well-being into her hands, thinking that she is the only person that can make you feel good about yourself again. That's not true."

True. And I know this. It's like every time I figure out why I can't let go, that's not really the reason.


Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful advice

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I just looked to see when the time comes to stop using my subliminal. I started on 02/02/2022. That would mean it'd have been a full year by 02/02/02023 and another half a year by... last night. D'oh! I think tonight shall be my last night using UH. I want to get Money Magnet! 


I could REALLY use some money and this is just perfect timing. 


So here's some updates on my situation: 

I was struggling to pay rent and having to stretch a meal a day when they severely cut my hours at work. My weight dropped down to 116 pounds and I just BARELY scraped up enough money to avoid eviction. All the drama surrounding this shit caused things to blow up between myself and my brother, and years of pent up resentment over abusinve treatment lead to me permanently disowning my brother and kicking him out of my life. I know that sounds fucked, but I was relieved by his lack of repentance or even admission of any wrongdoing whatsoever because it means I don't have to try to think of a way he can redeem himself and earn his way back into my life. He doesn't want it. After kicking him out of my life, I felt so good the next day, everything turned around! Now I get 20 hours a week at work, I am eating pretty good (not fancy, but 3 meals a day) and I was told by my manager I'm doing a really good job! 

Still, I took responsibility for things I'd been doing wrong at work, decided to turn my work habits around and bust my ass all shift from here on out. I also have been pursuing my life-long dream of being in the military because I've decided I believe in myself now and now is the time. Been seeing signs everywhere, though I do not want to go into detail because that could be against the rules. I talked to my recruiter, told her the truth about my age and psychiatirc history and I am now in the process to get a waiver. Cut-off point for joining the Army before needing an age waiver is 35. I am 34 LOL. 

I want to be a 68W (medical specialist) and a Line MEdic in particular. Hopefully, I can get stationed in Ft. Campbell, because they have a gym called the Real Fighter's Gym in Louisville nearby, which teaches both Muay Thai AND Dutch Kickboxing! These are arguably the two best striking styles to use as a base in MMA! 

Anyway, if I can't get stationed in Ft Campbell (101st airborne) then I want to see if I can get into the 82nd Airborne in Ft. Bragg, which I'd be nervous about because I'd have to get over my fear of jumping out of planes. Or, my third location request on the list would be Ft Polk (10th Mountain) which is in Louisiana. Those guys are one of the harder hitting units in the army. 82nd is still the best conventional unit, and the 173rd (in Vincenza Italy) and the 25th (in Alaska) are both high speed as well, but out of the leg (non-airborne) units, 10th mountain (especially the guys in Ft. Polk) is the hardest one. 

All of these places have good martial arts training nearby and they all can get access to lots of good schools in the army to learn kickass soldier stuff.I might get stationed somewhere else though. Those are just what I'll request. Hopefully I can get into the 187th Infantry Reg in the 101st as a line medic, specifically! That'd be dope! They're the best unit at Ft Campbell excluding Special Forces! And if Line medic doesn't work out, I can become a flight medic! Those guys LOVE their jobs! 

Anyway, I gotta get waivered first and that's a process. Since I've got time anyway (I'll be on the delayed entry program) I decided to also go see Pantera for a second time (they'll be coming to SLC soon with Lamb of God! \m/) and then the Babyklok (Babymetal and Dethklok) show also in SLC! It'll be dope AF! 
Haven't seen Babymetal since 2019, saw Pantera in May for the first time in myu life (which I NEVER thought I'd be able to do with the Abbot brothers dead) and NEVER seen a Dethklok or Lamb of God show, so I'm excited! However, before I can pay for my tickets, I DO need to pay dental bills I got just yesterday. Still though, one more paycheck and it should be ALL good in the hood! 

I'll pay for groceries with Plasma donations and I'll save up money from my job to pay for rent after that! should work! 

Then, when I can, I want to purchase Money Magnet! Lord knows I could use some of that, if you haven't noticed from what I've written so far LOL

Oh! Also, I am no longer letting my family handle any of my medical stuff, insurance or anything like that. I decided to take responsibility for all these things myself, which is daunting, but rewarding. I should have never let them handle things for me in the first place, and now I don't. It's time I grew up and started taking care of myself! I also refuse to take handouts anymore. I want to earn my way in life. Although I AM still living in low income housing and using Medicaid LOL so I guess those are temporarily the two exceptions. But I will stop with both once I get into the Army! Then from that point on, no handouts!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Note: I'm updating this journal because this is the last journal I was using before I stopped using my UH subliminal. I stopped because I intended to get the Money Magnet subliminal, and I need that now more than ever rn it seems, due to what just happened to me today. 

My situation lately is pretty fucked. Just when I thought I'd fixed things (I'd jsut recently gotten suspended from work because my bike got stolen and the bus route had changed on me, unbeknownst to me, so I bought a new bile and rode it to work today in order to not get fired for being late again, which set me back over $200) and things were looking up (because I'd fixed the situation and sorted things out with my manager), life takes one great big shit on my head after another: I lost my phone, which had my cards and ID in it, and on my way to go back to where I last had it to go look for it, a sticker in the grass popped my bike tire, setting me back even further and slowing me down, and now I can't bike to work and if I'm late one more time I'm  fired. And I can't buy a new tire without my cards. And I have work at 8am tomorrow. And I live quite a distance away from my work place. And I can't call in and tell them I might be late on account of what happened. Oh, and I'm trying to get a medical waiver to join the army, which I have like a year left to do before I am too old, and once I get that waiver, I'm still in the delayed entry program, so I'm racing against the clock. And I needed my ID to move forward in that process, so now I'll have to get a new ID. But I have no transport, no phone and no means of paying for transport. And I can't call anyone for help, because I don't have a phone. Not that there's anyone to call. I've disowned my brother and stand by that decision even now, and even if I had my phone, I can't get a hold of my one friend I've made out here anyway, but now I REALLY can't get a hold of him. FML

At least I'm payed up on rent for the month. Oh, and if I want to get into that Babyklok show which I payed a bunch of money for, I'ma need a phone. Guess I'll be talking to Wells Fargo tomorrow about getting a new card so I can go to Wal Mart and pay for one. But wait! I can't do that without my ID. And I can't get a new ID without knowing where tf to go. And I can't find where to go because I don't have a hone to look it up and follow the damn maps on. And I don't have a printer to print directions. Fuck. 

I'll figure it out tomorrow. What a shitty day.

But yeah, I really need to get MM.

EDIT: So I went to bed, woke up early, and I'm so full of anxiety over this, I CAN'T go back to sleep now. I'm freaking out! I've only got 4 hours of sleep and I got work in a few. I don't know what to do. And all day, I thought I was in a mostly good place. Sure, I still would have some grudges flare up, but I'd quickly get my mind off it and back to focusing on whatever positive shit I could, and still I was vibrating from such a shitty place energetically that this happened and now I'm WAYY worse off! I don't know what to do to fix that! If only a bit of being in a bad mood each day, even when I get my mind off it can do this, but being in a good mood for equal amounts of the day isn't enough to manifest it's opposite then how in the hell do I manifest anything good?! That's the worry I'm having right now. It feels like all I do is manifest mildly good things and then being in a bad mood for a little bit manifests complete clusterfuck after clusterfuck, even if I get my mind off it and my mood improves! How in the hell does THAT work?! I thought LAw of Attraction was supposed to be a thing!

Edit again:
So I went to work today. I was late. I got up, headed out early, but when I went to the bus station, I waited at the wrong stop cuz someone told me the wrong stop to wait at then I found out the bus on Saturdays doesn't come until 8:30AM and I had work at 8am. I just broke down laughing. Not crying, laughing. Then I just threw my hands up and said "I give up. Whatever happens happens" There's more to my attitude of surrendur, but I won't say anymore about it. I eventually got to work and was like "Look, I already know I'm fired, so let's just get this over with" I was told to clock on and we'd talk about it after work. I told them everything that happened, they changed my hours to be more accommodating and warned me that if I'm late one more time, they'll just drastically cut my hours every week and if I'm late again and can't even handle THAT, they'll have to let me go. They are being extremely nice about this. I thought I was fired for sure! Anyway, from now on, I'ma just prepare microwavable premade meals in my off-time, take that shit to work with me, microwave it at work, and head there as early as possible and just fucking hang out there, even if I'm early so I'm not late. I canceled my bank card and got a new one, and also got some cash to use in the meantime while I wait, and a credit card for emergencies. I'll use that for when I buy a new phone and a bike tire. I'm still getting roughly 30-40 hours a week, thankfully. I'ma clear my online cloud docs so they can't be accessed on that phone and get a new plasma donor card as well. I'ma also take the free downtown trolley to the DMV and get a new license, which is another reason I took some cash out of the bank. Looks like I'll be alright. I was trippin cause Iw as freaking out, but it looks like things will be alright. Still gonna secretlapply for work somewhere closer to home though.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hey I just wanted to post an update on this journal. So I recently started talking to my neighbour in the apartment across from mine. We both have similar age, both have only in recent times started living on our own, both have hermit tendencies and stuff like that. I was talking to him this morning about work and about getting my apartment cleaned for inspection, and he's like "I don't know how you manage to do and balance all that stuff" or something like that. I realized talking to him this morning before work just how far I've come in the last five years!Cuz he's like how I used to be: very dependent on others, lacking confidence and thinking he can't do it. I was like that, but now I can see a real difference seeing a guy with my old mentality compared to my current one. These products have DEFINITELY helped me grow as a person!