**Jake's Overcoming Fear v.3 5.75.7G Journal**

[Jake2015]

Day 57/180 ON #2- Wed 14 July - part 2

6) Didnt take any of my sleep supplements as mentioned in part 1. I just couldnt be bothered to but I also I think subconsciously at the back of my mind was wanting to see if these caused the diarrhoea.

7) As well as not taking the sleep supps, I also was expanding the "Cant be assed" attitude to other areas such as poor eat towards night time and not wanting to sleep early and just wasting time watching youtube etc.

8) Finally got to bed and watched youtube with blue filter again. Eventually decided to turn it off and sleep.
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Day 58/180 OFF #1- Thurs 15 July

1) Managed to sleep. Think I did dream but cant recall what it was about. Woke early and again not too easy to get up on time. I this time decided to not set the alarm an hour early but closer to the 8am goal and eventually got out of bed at 8.30am. This amazing for me but the ultimate goal is 6am - in a few weeks time.

2) Wasnt too hungry so made 4 toasts with jam and then my shopping got delivered so spent next 1.5hours on cleaning that.

3) Then tried to follow my schedule for the day and as the day advanced I again was losing the will to focus and instead was procrastinating.

4) Ive managed to stay the course but its not been easy, however i then had a thought of again "am I executing", since I cant see anything tangible. Due to this then I wondered ok is it time to push to 5 loops but I think not. I want to maybe get another cycle in of 4 loops before making that decision again.

Addendum:

So realised I hit enter but had some extra info to add.

No diarrhoea today. Possibly due to not taking the supps, so wont take them for a few more days (as sleep wasnt affected by missing them lastnight) and will monitor.

Appetite today wasnt great. I havent had the desire for a proper meal today at all.

[Jake2015]

Day 59/180 OFF #2- Fri 16 July

1) Woke early, definately had a dream but dont remember it and then got on with my day.

2) No Diarrhoea so clearly WAS NOT the sub ie resistance but the sleep supps so ill have to tweak that.

3) Morning was procrastination and then action and then in between. So the struggle is real! lol

4) After another full ARSB 2 cycle at 4 loops im tempted to increase maybe to 5 loops and see what happens as its like I end up then doubting again, am I executing.

[Jake2015]

Day 59/180 OFF #2- Fri 16 July - part 2

5) Tried to set up an old game I used to play on my laptop and hasnt worked but rather than get stressed out I was only affected a little.

6) Bored and tired of things so going to watch a movie and chill even though I need to be up early again tomorrow to keep going.

[Jake2015]

Day 59/180 OFF #2- Fri 16 July - part 3

7) Watched the movie and figured how to download and play some parts of an old pc game I used to play, from their website. It took 1-2hrs to download.

8) Played game and got hooked and ended up not going to bed until 5-6am - Ridiculous I know

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Day 60/180 ON #1- Sat 17 July - 2 MONTHS of OF3 today. 4 months left to go.

1) Totally messed up my sleep and everything. I hardly drank any water yesterday. Guzzled down lots of coca cola sugar free and then as mentioned went to bed super late.

2) Watched some porn in bed and then fell asleep without playing the sub.

3) Woke up at 11am (still early for me and earlier than my past) so I was pleased but a little off that I missed the play. I would have to play in the day.

4) Ate a comfort breakfast and then sat at my desk, waited for family to call me, then set phone on 'do not disturb' and played the sub on my phone next to me whilst trying to do some work.

5) Due to lack of sleep in particular, my focus is SHIT and ive done work but at 40% efficiency than my average 60%.

6) Decided time to drink water, so at the time of writing this I drank 1.5L which is good.

7) Focus was poor, distractions were many and had to go to the bathroom for pee breaks often due to the water ofcourse but took the phone with me wherever I was.

8) Started with playing the game for 2hrs during the first 2hours of the 4hours (4 loop) playlist and had tension and headache. Wasnt the sub but my focus on the game lol

9) Sub finished, nothing to report.

HOWEVER something that I should add is regarding the movie yesterday that I saw. I wont mention the title incase it breaks any rules, however in the movie were horror looking aliens that once were shown were all over it and the director clearly went for the build up to the shock factor. I had my lights off, it was night time and I was watching the movie alone. I may have usually got scared, you know reacted to the shock and avoided the scarey moments by either turning the volume down, or turning the lights on but instead I was rather than the usual 7-8 on a scale of 1-10 I was perhaps on a scale of 4. lol

Other than this nothing else to report.

[Jake2015]

Day 60/180 ON #1- Sat 17 July - 2 MONTHS of OF3 today. 4 months left to go. - Part 2

10) MOTIVATION & MOOD & FOCUS were very low! I felt like life was a waste of time almost though not depressed I just felt bored and fed up. I decided to go to bed thinking a good nights sleep is what I really needed.

11) Again no desire to sleep so youtube and porn to the rescue as always.

12) this time hit play on the sub and slept.

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Day 61/180 ON #2- Sun 18 July

1) Woke early went to pee, came back slept and woke later around 11am. Later than planned.

2) Today failed at all I had planned to do so far. Sat on my ass wasting time on youtube and not at all again in the mood or desire to do anything. Is this the sub or simply my willpower finally giving up?

3) I after 6hours when finished from the bathroom thought im up out of my chair may as well clear the shopping in the bags and so hit music on my phone and started to do that. Around a few mins into doing that my mood changed and i realised it and noticed it.

CLEARLY FOR ME MOVING MY BODY INTO ACTION CHANGES MY MOOD!!! - WELL IT DID THIS 1 TIME ANYWAY

4) So now I feel a little more focus at 5.54pm to do something so came on to report this.

5) I do feel as if im questioning the sub. Is all this resistance or simply me. Am i executing where I will notice something or not. Even though I wonder whether to increase to 5 loops now I am hesistant as this mood flunk that I get into really derails my daily productivity and fucks with my plans.

So I am now on my 2 days off so will not make any plans yet to increase loops as I dont want to fuck myself until I really have given 4 loops time to show me whatever it can do for me. I am though after 2months wondering has any of my fear been attacked and removed yet or not.

With a third of the way complete.... and 2 thirds left, I currently am losing optimism.

[RTBoss]

Going back a few posts, I saw you had issues with having diarrhea. I have, as well, on & off while running OFv3. It seems to happen when I'm working on a big or particularly significant fear. I hadn't had issues for a few weeks, when I woke up the other night from a nightmare that literally scared the shit out of me. I couldn't sleep, and had to use the toilet twice while I was up - both times diarrhea. The next day (and since) completely normal bowel movements.

If the issue is something else for you, I suggest eating something that will help bulk up your stools - like oatmeal. Any kind of water soluble fiber should help with that.

[Jake2015]

Going back a few posts, I saw you had issues with having diarrhea.  I have, as well, on & off while running OFv3.  It seems to happen when I'm working on a big or particularly significant fear.  I hadn't had issues for a few weeks, when I woke up the other night from a nightmare that literally scared the shit out of me.  I couldn't sleep, and had to use the toilet twice while I was up - both times diarrhea.  The next day (and since) completely normal bowel movements.  

If the issue is something else for you, I suggest eating something that will help bulk up your stools - like oatmeal.  Any kind of water soluble fiber should help with that.

thanks bro. I think the issue was too much magnesium as I was taking that to aid in my sleep cycle change. Mg helps with relaxing the body and too much could result in diarrhoea. There are other sleep aids I was taking too such as ashwagandha but at the right dosage as well as melatonin maybe a tad extra than needed but im sure it was mg. 

Soon as I stopped taking it then it recovered which was a disappointment of sorts since I had hoped perhaps it was sub related further encouraging my trust in the sub. 

Thank you yes oatmeal is on my plan for healthy eating but im currently going through a fucked up funk as im calling it lol

Glad your bowel movements have gotten better and resolved so definately the sub in your case. 

I still have no idea if any of my fears have been removed yet and if so which ones. My remove i mean resolved cleared or whatever it is my subconscious does to deal with them.

[RTBoss]

What form of magnesium are you taking?  Mag citrate will have a laxative effect, for sure.  I use magnesium glycinate.  It's more expensive, absorbed well, and better tolerated.  That said, tastes like complete shit!  Lol.

[Jake2015]

What form of magnesium are you taking?  Mag citrate will have a laxative effect, for sure.  I use magnesium glycinate.  It's more expensive, absorbed well, and better tolerated.  That said, tastes like complete shit!  Lol.

yeah the mg im taking is citrate, sadly its all I could conveniently find here in Europe.

The ZMA I have is mg aspartate but im sure the citrate was the culprit. 

Its odd in the past I could take as much and be fine but now i had the runs with the same amount. 

Clearly not the sub sadly.

[Jake2015]

Day 61/180 ON #2- Sun 18 July - part 2

6) Rest of the evening was me struggling to focus on my mental tasks. I lost that concentration and distractions were interferring with me more easily.

7) By the night I got to bed and just watched porn before I slept.

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Day 62/180 OFF #1- Mon 19 July

1) Glad I didnt have to think about playing the sub. I slept and had a dream. I woke around 11am, no idea when I slept but didnt intend to wake early nor intend to do anything task related as I felt that my willpower and motivation are spent. I seem to lack the ability to get on with what I need to even though I internally know I need to and should.

2) The dream I had was taboo. I dont want to go into it except to say that in real life its unlikely to ever happen yet it was a sexual dream of sorts. I assume either its the sub or its the porn.

3) I cannot say for sure again if im executing since im not sensing any release of any fears. I cant see anything happening so how can I be sure it is. Everything seems to ellusive, illusionary and subjective. Even dreams, are they my usual dreams that im more aware of or are they the sub. Things like this etc

I am going to let me 2 days off conclude then do another 4 loop cycle before thinking of whether to increase to 5 loops.

Im trying to find the sweet spot but for me after 60days i really do by now need to see something clear. its ok when I see something once then for the remainder/majority of the time I do not.

As Shannon has instructed me (only me) to increase and how to I will do that soon to 5 loops as and when I feel like it and then see what happens.

I hope I do not have to increase to 8 or 9 loops a day as then that will just be ridiculous and more stress to fit into my night time when im not sleeping enough again.

Clearly as stated above my will power is deleted.

[Jake2015]

Day 62/180 OFF #1- Mon 19 July - part 2

4) Feel unable to focus

[Jake2015]

Day 62/180 OFF #1- Mon 19 July - part 3

5) Realised that there is fear in my taking action towards those things that could help me. The fear is either in my success perhaps or fear in failing at those tasks.

Either way I dont care, its just fear if I have assessed this correctly and so nothing new there as these fears are why I came to IML 6years ago.

[Jake2015]

Day 63/180 OFF #2- Tues 20 July

1) Went to bed, couldnt sleep for hours, too hot and too restless so got up and ate cereal in cold milk then after 2 bowls of that and some chips/crips and youtube I then decided to play a pc game maybe for 30-60mins and ended up sleeping late.

2) Then got motivated to get back on track to timebox again for tomorrow and figure out what im going to do.

3) Woke later than I had planned to. Slept through and snoozed all alarms. - the time box has gone to waste pretty much.

4) Spent an hour in bed not in the mood to get out of it, instead watched youtube and fapped. Also saw some videos on tiktok and 1 was a scary one. As soon as I saw the caption i moved past it and got a rush of "fear" within me.

5) Decided best to get up and get moving so made a big breakfast thinking ok this will satiate me until I eat again as have to meal prep (supposed to be done on sunday) for the next few days.

6) During eating breakfast and watching an episode of my favourite show I had an ephiphany that its best I go back to the beginning again and refocus and restart on fixing my sleep cycle again. Clearly that when working good is the key to my motivation and energy perhaps.

7) Was on phone to someone lastnight and they're away of my procrastination this week and lack of drive and they said that on the phone I sound just as chirpy as usual so im not depressed or anything but im clearly in some MOFO BS flunk!!

Summary: Still full of fear, spent/emptied will power so now have had 7-10days flunk of no motivation, struggling to do the basics of life.

I need to fix up. I dont know if going to 5 loops will help with any of this so im sticking with 4 loops for now but inside I want to go to 5 incase that is my sweet spot.

[Jake2015]

Day 64/180 ON #1- Wed 21 July

1) Took the sleep supps, went to bed and watched youtube until time to sleep. Goal 1am, slept maybe 1.30am. - hit play on OF3

2) Woke maybe once or twice during night, cant recall if I did dream or not though I feel I did. Hit snooze. I was exhausted, tired, no desire to wake immediately.

3) Eventually at 11.20am, after many snooze hits on the alarm I pulled myself up and sat up. I was tired.

4) time now is 1.37pm, 2hours after I woke and im still tired and sleepy. I do not feel awake at all. - Ive had breakfast and finished during these 2hours.

5) Bowel movements are smoother than before so the diarrhoea was the result of too many sleep supps at that time (melatonin and mg both can result in diarrhoea). Ive reduced the levels of both and they had helped me get sleepy and so I may have found close to a sweet spot with them.

Conclusion: either its the sleep supps or the sub that has today made me feel so tired and out of it. Considering I havent changed anything and this doesnt seem to be the way 4loops has affected me consistently im inclined to err that this is the sleep supps though even those at a greater amount havent resulted in me being so tired after sleep. Maybe its neither the sub nor the supps but my body trying to get back sleep its lost in the past 2weeks? Ive slept for 9-10hours so I dunno.

Ill stay longer on 4 loops as im afraid of moving to 5 loops incase it results in more of a shut down in mood, motivation, drive etc. I want to find the sweet spot but im worried about moving up. Im at a loss if 4 loops is doing anything when I cant really tell myself.