11-29-2017, 06:19 PM
Going to get real in this post. I was on my way home from work and I just had the most soul crushing depression. Been waking up that way too. I was driving behind a tow truck and contemplated just ramming into it full speed and just ending shit for myself. I have to write about it because it eats me up inside when I try to hide it. I need to get it out somewhere.
After that thought I found a whole bunch of negative self talk, telling myself I was delusional, I'll always be a failure, life's always going to suck for me, I messed it all up and it's too late, etc. I found myself thinking these things and I was able to cut myself off from them. Something that I'm usually not able to do. So I was thankful I didn't find myself in that familiar rumination I so often get caught in.
But one thing I really struggle with is positivity. It seems like I'm ok at rejecting the negative and not putting myself into a worse state. But when it comes to elevating myself I just can't seem to bolster a postiive self image. It always seems fake or like I'm trying too hard.
This post is kind of emotionally heavy, but I've realized I still have a lot of emotionally heavy stuff I'm dealing with. I think there's still a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my ongoing battles with depression and anxiety. Not having that ability to simply snap out of it. I don't know, things are just really rough for me and it feels like instead of taking the time to give myself the space I need to heal, I just want to be better for the sake of not feeling like I'm messed up.
After that thought I found a whole bunch of negative self talk, telling myself I was delusional, I'll always be a failure, life's always going to suck for me, I messed it all up and it's too late, etc. I found myself thinking these things and I was able to cut myself off from them. Something that I'm usually not able to do. So I was thankful I didn't find myself in that familiar rumination I so often get caught in.
But one thing I really struggle with is positivity. It seems like I'm ok at rejecting the negative and not putting myself into a worse state. But when it comes to elevating myself I just can't seem to bolster a postiive self image. It always seems fake or like I'm trying too hard.
This post is kind of emotionally heavy, but I've realized I still have a lot of emotionally heavy stuff I'm dealing with. I think there's still a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my ongoing battles with depression and anxiety. Not having that ability to simply snap out of it. I don't know, things are just really rough for me and it feels like instead of taking the time to give myself the space I need to heal, I just want to be better for the sake of not feeling like I'm messed up.
INFP