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+--- Thread: DMSI 3.2 it's official (/Thread-DMSI-3-2-it-s-official)
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-26-2018
Thanks guys. Yeah rest is good lol. I was dealing with some major jet lag when I landed in California. I'm from NY. I actually slept for 12 hours yesterday because I felt miserable and like I was getting sick. During that time of sleeping I had some messed up dreams. And because I'm a music producer I think my mind took creative liberties with the soundtrack. Really organic yet unpleasant frequencies. When I get back home I'll see if I can make it. The exact sounds aren't in my head, but the feelings are. I'm pretty good at translating those into sound. In the dreams it felt like some kind of demon was watching me and destroying my life and feeding off the energy. I don't know and don't want to venture into rule 4 territory here, but sometimes I do wonder what's behind that thin veil. If I'm getting the whole picture here or if I'm just cherry picking what I want to believe about reality
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-27-2018
So I definitely know when the aura is active because I get really hot and I feel all this sexual energy. Last night it randomly started up on me. For a few minutes I was able to sort of step out of the way, it felt like I wasn't resisting. But then I lost it. I can feel the fear as a knot in my stomach, letting go of the need to control consciously but on a subconscious level I don't want to give in completely. It feels like I get to a point where it requires focus and concentration to sort of maintain the aura without slipping up and going back to blocking the effects.
And I noticed when I'm executing it's not just focus on women. Thoughts about how I'm living my life and stepping outside of this comfort zone flood me as well. As if to say "stop pretending everything is fine just so you don't have to face these fears, I know deep down you aren't happy"
But yeah it seems like a very stop and go thing. 5 minutes of executing on full and then a snap back to closing myself off and having trouble letting go again.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - Infinite - 09-27-2018
I didn't know that was the aura being active. I've felt that strong sexual energy for a few seconds, then it stops, then I see a good looking guy a few seconds after I stop feeling the sexual energy.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-27-2018
(09-27-2018, 06:35 AM)Infinite Wrote: I didn't know that was the aura being active. I've felt that strong sexual energy for a few seconds, then it stops, then I see a good looking guy a few seconds after I stop feeling the sexual energy.
Yup I think the goal is to stay in that sexual state and project it. Something I'm not comfortable with whether due to fear or insecurity. But without fail everytime I have one of these moments there's some kind of manifestation in my life regarding women. Last night it was a text at 11 pm from a girl I talk with off and on. I've gone weeks without hearing anything from her and as soon as I have one of the sexual surges she contacts me. There's definitely something there, I just don't have it calibrated properly or consistent enough.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-29-2018
Finally back home. But I legit had a panic attack on the plane ride home. Instead of going on my laptop or phone, I just sat there for 4 hours intent on figuring out WHY it's been so hard for me to stay consistent with DMSI. But this past week flooded over me and I just had this crippling feeling of "I can't do this, I need to get out of here". Of course I was on a plane, with nowhere to go, still left with 2 hours on my flight and I just fucking lost it. I'm still trying to determine if this was a result of way too much stimulus over a week or if I was overloaded by other people's energies on the plane. I don't like crowded places. I was trying to relax, but I couldn't because I felt on edge. It's a terrible feeling when you're tired and want to sleep, but at the same time you're in on guard mode and your body won't quiet down.
All in all my trip out to California was incredibly draining. By the time I reached friday I was so done. I don't particularly like how I tend to respond to new situations and environments, but I've gotten past these hurdles by listening to my body and not pushing myself beyond my means.
The whole situation felt like adult me piloting my body, but kid me being incredibly freaked out about everything. Driving places I don't know, figuring out how to rent a car, getting to flights on time ,etc. I don't know, are most people relaxed about this stuff? It was just all that on top of fixing issues that had occurred with this other company, the jet lag, the cold I picked up, god it just feels like my nervous system is fried.
And the icing on the cake, I just had such an identity crisis. I see people walking around having this sort of grounded understanding of who they are. This sort of self concept of "I", from what they wear, how they act, what interests they have, etc. But I feel like I don't really have that. I don't know if that's a bad thing or if it's who I am. To relate with others you kind of have to have that right? Otherwise you're a sort of drifting body or consciousness that slips in and out of people's lives with no real impact. Like a ghost. I mean, I do it to myself. It's probably some fear. There's probably a core sort of being inside myself, but I don't share it with the world. Maybe I just explore it through my music only.
That's about it. It's been a rough week for me.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - RTBoss - 09-29-2018
I am prone to that kind of thing, so I always have something to back me up for emergencies - like E2 or PSTEC (ARA probably would have been good here, too). Nothing like getting caught with your emotional pants down in a public space that you can't escape, right? Glad you made it through alright.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-29-2018
(09-29-2018, 09:17 AM)RTBoss Wrote: I am prone to that kind of thing, so I always have something to back me up for emergencies - like E2 or PSTEC (ARA probably would have been good here, too). Nothing like getting caught with your emotional pants down in a public space that you can't escape, right? Glad you made it through alright.
Ah yeah, ARA would have been handy then. Didn't really have the foresight to buy that before my trip. I guess to some degree I wanted to challenge myself and see how far I've come dealing with this stuff. In a way it was a sort of field test for myself. Probably doesn't help that every time I get on a plane I worry it's going to crash. It's rare, but then there's that "yeah but what if THIS is the one and I'm unlucky enough to be on it?"
But yeah getting caught with your emotional pants down. It's a double whammy for me. Dealing with the emotions and then having that shame of being a grown adult about to cry over nothing.
But I messed about in my DAW today and just threw something together real quick to capture that nightmare I was talking about and to an extent what I've felt going through all this past week. Just a peek inside the ol' noggin.
https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/nightmares/s-LDVyu
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - RTBoss - 09-29-2018
Nice, love it. I felt like I was in a ship flying over a dark landscape in the Blade Runner universe.
I have the same fear of flying. Can't stand fearing that I have absolutely no control over my destiny for that time. I miss being a kid and feeling nothing but wonder and awe getting on an airplane and taking off, needing to sit in the window seat. One 5,000 foot drop on a turboprop as a teenager took that away from me.
Testing yourself in such an environment sounds like a great way to set yourself up for failure.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-29-2018
(09-29-2018, 02:11 PM)RTBoss Wrote: Nice, love it. I felt like I was in a ship flying over a dark landscape in the Blade Runner universe.
I have the same fear of flying. Can't stand fearing that I have absolutely no control over my destiny for that time. I miss being a kid and feeling nothing but wonder and awe getting on an airplane and taking off, needing to sit in the window seat. One 5,000 foot drop on a turboprop as a teenager took that away from me.
Testing yourself in such an environment sounds like a great way to set yourself up for failure.
Thanks for taking a listen
. I know a few months ago I saw the new bladerunner so it's probably still sitting in the back of my head haha. Funny how the influences have a delay like that with music. That sucks though, also sounds really terrifying experiencing a 5,000 foot drop.
I feel like for most of my life I've been unnecessarily hard on myself. Probably retriggering traumas in an attempt to "get over them". I hesitate to call it trauma, but that's really what it is. Instead of one terrifying experience I guess I was just constantly exposed to one stressful event after another when I was a kid and just didn't recover all too well from it. But yeah I often push myself beyond my means in an unhealthy way because I've spent a lot of my life struggling with things the average person doesn't deal with. I think part of that behavior is a lack of self love for myself so for a while I just saw myself as broken and defective until I "fixed" it.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 09-30-2018
I've realized what's been weighing heavy on my mind and might have contributed to that panic attack on the plane. Money and survival.
I've been at this job for a year now and even though I've learned a lot, I just don't feel like a valuable asset. I didn't have the time to build my skills when I was younger because I suffered from all types of nasty problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation, they just all messed up my ability to navigate the world correctly. So I feel really behind, but I'm an adult at 27 and should be fully functional and capable right now.
This is what gets to me. I'm doing my best, but my circumstances growing up weren't ideal. I mean I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, but it's hard in the workforce. I can't cram 4 years worth of knowledge into my head in a year, so the skill gap just takes time. But time when you're an adult is not the same as time when you're a kid.
Never mind the fact that the career I'm in isn't something I'm really passionate about. And if I were to keep pushing myself to get better it would be for the bigger paycheck. At which point I probably wouldn't be happy despite living somewhat comfortably because the job would be like a ball and chain that weighs me down.
I guess some people's goal is that financial security, raising a family, owning a house, etc. That's their goal, that's their motivation. But I don't know what it is for me. I don't have a strong pull to those things. I need a goal to work towards, but I just know that's not a strong motivator for me.
Maybe I need to buy life tune up for myself when it comes out. I just feel like the path I'm on now is one based out of fear vs genuine desire. At the same time I'm having trouble breaking out of it.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 10-01-2018
I keep having these anxiety attacks and I don't know if it's because I'm off 3.2 or 3.3 is hitting me and I'm freaking out. Overall I'm having a bit of trouble functioning lately. I got a task to do at my job today, but didn't know how to go about it. Instead of breaking it down and figuring out the solution, I just felt like I was stuck in an anxious loop. Then I'd calm myself, but as soon as I tried working on it again the anxiety came back. From my time studying the effects of anxiety, it has a tendency to destroy short term memory in the moment. So you literally cannot think straight while dealing with it. I'm hoping things are different tomorrow.
I've been trying to cut these anxiety attacks down but I've realized it's really easy to trigger it for me. The key is to catch it when it first happens, otherwise it builds and before I know it I'm stuck in a loop of anxiety and really need to take time to calm my nervous system again.
I should mention I had another migraine yesterday. During the episode I was just so tired of everything in my life and all the shit that has been stressing me out. How I place too much self worth in how things turn out. I just wanted to let it all go and not give a fuck. Especially my job, I'm sick of feeling anxious and incompetent when I come across something I can't do.
It feels like there's nothing I can do about any of this in the moment. It sucks, but I'm probably just going through a really rough patch of buried insecurities and emotions about myself. It's unfortunate it has to influence me so much, but trying to fight it away or ignore it just causes me more stress.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 10-01-2018
I keep having these anxiety attacks and I don't know if it's because I'm off 3.2 or 3.3 is hitting me and I'm freaking out. Overall I'm having a bit of trouble functioning lately. I got a task to do at my job today, but didn't know how to go about it. Instead of breaking it down and figuring out the solution, I just felt like I was stuck in an anxious loop. Then I'd calm myself, but as soon as I tried working on it again the anxiety came back. From my time studying the effects of anxiety, it has a tendency to destroy short term memory in the moment. So you literally cannot think straight while dealing with it. I'm hoping things are different tomorrow.
I've been trying to cut these anxiety attacks down but I've realized it's really easy to trigger it for me. The key is to catch it when it first happens, otherwise it builds and before I know it I'm stuck in a loop of anxiety and really need to take time to calm my nervous system again.
I should mention I had another migraine yesterday. During the episode I was just so tired of everything in my life and all the shit that has been stressing me out. How I place too much self worth in how things turn out. I just wanted to let it all go and not give a fuck. Especially my job, I'm sick of feeling anxious and incompetent when I come across something I can't do.
It feels like there's nothing I can do about any of this in the moment. It sucks, but I'm probably just going through a really rough patch of buried insecurities and emotions about myself. It's unfortunate it has to influence me so much, but trying to fight it away or ignore it just causes me more stress.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - mat422 - 10-01-2018
I have to let go of all this BS once and for all. I don't know why, but it feels like if I do I'll become some sociopathic narcissist? One of my irrational fears I've had. I think it stems from my identity centered around pleasing others. Like I've always looked to others for the final approval of who I am.
But I need to stop putting others before myself. Even if that makes me look like some selfish jerk in their eyes. I've spent too much of my life not giving myself the attention that I need to grow and thrive.
I need to be stronger, tougher, be secure in who I am and stop letting people destabilize that sense of self. Stop walking through life as this malleable thing others can manipulate. To some degree my self identity is still based around that weak fearful person and I need to let that go and embrace a new self without feeling like I'm being inauthentic or faking it.
I just know I can't live like this anymore. The constant fear, the people who sniff out weakness and take advantage of you, the constant worry of needing to be safe and secure vs thriving and living.
RE: DMSI 3.2 it's official - Shannon - 10-02-2018
You in particular, I am thinking will find 3.3-A very interesting in its effects.