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+--- Thread: EHPRA Journal (/Thread-EHPRA-Journal)
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-10-2016
Well it finally happened. One of my managers at the job I work at told me if I don't get more credit card applications they'll have to let me go. Apparently I'm passed my 60 day probation period or whatever. I'm just riding this out, there's nothing more I can do. They're delusional at this company. Their failures are being pressed upon their workers and it's toxic. Since working this job I've started to think I'm like an antenna for energy around me. I swear I'll be fine up until the point where I start working in that store and then I get this overwhelming sense of fatigue in my body. The other day when I went on break I went into my car and laid down and had to drain all that excess energy out of me. I know it sounds bizarre but it didn't feel like it was a part of me. It felt like it was foreign or from outside myself.
You know what's funny? Before I took this job my gut feeling was that it was a bad idea. But I assumed it was just my fear and I needed to get over it. Maybe it was both. Whatever the case it's clear to me that E2 is directing me towards getting out of this job. I don't know how possible this is, but I'm wondering if the optimus engine could behave in such a way that it's actively attracting customers to me who don't want credit cards. I stay in crappy circumstances for too long sometimes out of shame and fear, maybe E2 is giving me an out so I don't have to make that decision. Like a loophole almost. There's a lot of people who say "be thankful for the job you have and quit complaining" which is just a way to silence that fear based around leaving your sense of security and going for something better.
One more thing. If any of you know the MBTI types I'm an INFP. And the reason I bring that up is because I have a way of knowing things without knowing why I know them. Basically intuition. It all goes on underneath the hood, I can't really see the process all too well but most of the time my predictions are pretty accurate. Growing up in a world where logic and concrete thought is valued over the abstract and intuitive thought processes makes me doubt my own intuition a lot of the time or my inner guidance on things. Hopefully with E2 I can start trusting my strengths that I'm naturally inclined towards and use that to my advantage.
RE: EHPRA Journal - ncbeareatingman - 06-10-2016
Trust that intuition as par tof your strenghts Matt. your on the good red road... the one of a higher Man. your courage is noted and appreciated! keep going Man. YOU've the power. your heart,spirit and gut wlll guide you. trust it man. you've got the gifts people spend thousand to even get close too. peace be wiff. Keith. E2 continues to amaze me on many levels..daily..thru the ups and down! 8 months from now.... whole 'nother planet of reality. Keith.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-12-2016
Shannon if you get a chance to read this I'd appreciate it. I noticed on another thread you mentioned meditation would interfere with the state shifting. Now I've dealt with anxiety for a long time and I've developed a habit of entering a sort of calmed down mental state.. But it is a conscious process and now I'm wondering if that habit interferes with the state shifting in E2. I guess I'm not used to letting things be handled behind the scenes and it feels wrong not to consciously intervene to control my emotional state.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-14-2016
So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
RE: EHPRA Journal - DisneylandUSA - 06-14-2016
(06-14-2016, 06:31 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-15-2016
(06-14-2016, 06:37 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:31 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.
RE: EHPRA Journal - Womanizer - 06-15-2016
(06-15-2016, 08:27 AM)mat422 Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:37 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:31 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.
You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-17-2016
(06-15-2016, 09:01 AM)Womanizer Wrote:(06-15-2016, 08:27 AM)mat422 Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:37 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:31 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.
You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.
That sucks. Sounds like you won't have too hard of a time finding a new one though, if that guy was afraid of you taking his job then you must have a valuable skillset. I've been pretty consistent with the job searching. Already applied to a couple. I have to get used to letting it go though when I'm done, there's only so much you can do in a day and not taking a break mentally takes its toll.
Another journal entry to unload things off my mind.
I just have to say one thing. My perfectionism HAS to go. These past few weeks I've realized just how crippling my fear of not being good enough at something is. I don't know why I feel the need to be the best at everything I do. It's not a striving for excellence, it's more like a motivation out of fear. But it's so intangible I can't put my finger on why. There's so many things in this world to explore, but I'm reluctant to engage in a lot of it if I can't be good enough at it. I see other people doing things and learning, making mistakes, but it doesn't get to them. It's like my self worth is still tied up in my achievements or my performance with something, I can't sever that cord connecting it. I don't know how. Merely telling myself I'm not my accomplishments and to stop trying so hard to be perfect at things doesn't really do anything for me no matter how many times I tell myself.
I've pretty much divorced the idea that perfectionism was some kind of strength or focus to be really great at things. It's not. It's not about the piece of work or task or whatever I'm doing. It's about how well I'm doing it. Me. I'm hurting my music because I'm so damn obsessed on getting it perfect I don't finish my tracks. I'm afraid to finish anything because when I do I know I won't be satisfied because my growth as an artist is still at the infant stage. I've only been at this seriously for 2 years now. If there's one thing I wish I could learn it's to be ok with where I'm at and to just enjoy the journey. To really let go of that not good enough feeling and just embrace the idea that I'm still learning and it's ok.
This goes for my whole life as well. Stuff like careers. I've lost a lot of time to depression and anxiety. When I was younger and should have been building up my skills I was just so messed up in the head and couldn't focus or decide on anything. Now I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of that, but it's like emerging in the world after a stint in prison. I feel so behind and it's so overwhelming because it feels like at my age, 25, I'm really supposed to have my shit together by now.
RE: EHPRA Journal - eternity - 06-17-2016
(06-17-2016, 03:10 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-15-2016, 09:01 AM)Womanizer Wrote:(06-15-2016, 08:27 AM)mat422 Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:37 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:31 PM)mat422 Wrote: So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.
As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.
But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.
Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.
You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.
That sucks. Sounds like you won't have too hard of a time finding a new one though, if that guy was afraid of you taking his job then you must have a valuable skillset. I've been pretty consistent with the job searching. Already applied to a couple. I have to get used to letting it go though when I'm done, there's only so much you can do in a day and not taking a break mentally takes its toll.
Another journal entry to unload things off my mind.
I just have to say one thing. My perfectionism HAS to go. These past few weeks I've realized just how crippling my fear of not being good enough at something is. I don't know why I feel the need to be the best at everything I do. It's not a striving for excellence, it's more like a motivation out of fear. But it's so intangible I can't put my finger on why. There's so many things in this world to explore, but I'm reluctant to engage in a lot of it if I can't be good enough at it. I see other people doing things and learning, making mistakes, but it doesn't get to them. It's like my self worth is still tied up in my achievements or my performance with something, I can't sever that cord connecting it. I don't know how. Merely telling myself I'm not my accomplishments and to stop trying so hard to be perfect at things doesn't really do anything for me no matter how many times I tell myself.
I've pretty much divorced the idea that perfectionism was some kind of strength or focus to be really great at things. It's not. It's not about the piece of work or task or whatever I'm doing. It's about how well I'm doing it. Me. I'm hurting my music because I'm so damn obsessed on getting it perfect I don't finish my tracks. I'm afraid to finish anything because when I do I know I won't be satisfied because my growth as an artist is still at the infant stage. I've only been at this seriously for 2 years now. If there's one thing I wish I could learn it's to be ok with where I'm at and to just enjoy the journey. To really let go of that not good enough feeling and just embrace the idea that I'm still learning and it's ok.
This goes for my whole life as well. Stuff like careers. I've lost a lot of time to depression and anxiety. When I was younger and should have been building up my skills I was just so messed up in the head and couldn't focus or decide on anything. Now I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of that, but it's like emerging in the world after a stint in prison. I feel so behind and it's so overwhelming because it feels like at my age, 25, I'm really supposed to have my shit together by now.
Hehehehehe my brotha, let me first start off by saying that I think 25 is the perfect age to start getting our shit together.
I really don't think anyone "has their shit together" at age 25, at least not when I properly identified what I thought that means. We just barely became adults and are starting to learn how the real world works, becoming legitimate workers (or slaves) to the workforce.
Lemme tell you, I'm about to be 27 in a couple weeks, and I'm far from having my shit together but I'm okay with it because I am working towards it (well, in the process of working towards lol)
I turned down my old boss to come back to work for him despite the nice looking paycheck because I freaking felt like I was working at a dead end job.. it drained me the 4 years I worked there. I was running e2 when he proposed the offer, as well, and I chose to turn it down because I refuse to trade my emotional well being for some money I won't enjoy anyway because I would hate my life working there...
Just some food for thought
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-19-2016
(06-17-2016, 03:56 PM)eternitys_child Wrote:(06-17-2016, 03:10 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-15-2016, 09:01 AM)Womanizer Wrote:(06-15-2016, 08:27 AM)mat422 Wrote:(06-14-2016, 06:37 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well
Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.
You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.
That sucks. Sounds like you won't have too hard of a time finding a new one though, if that guy was afraid of you taking his job then you must have a valuable skillset. I've been pretty consistent with the job searching. Already applied to a couple. I have to get used to letting it go though when I'm done, there's only so much you can do in a day and not taking a break mentally takes its toll.
Another journal entry to unload things off my mind.
I just have to say one thing. My perfectionism HAS to go. These past few weeks I've realized just how crippling my fear of not being good enough at something is. I don't know why I feel the need to be the best at everything I do. It's not a striving for excellence, it's more like a motivation out of fear. But it's so intangible I can't put my finger on why. There's so many things in this world to explore, but I'm reluctant to engage in a lot of it if I can't be good enough at it. I see other people doing things and learning, making mistakes, but it doesn't get to them. It's like my self worth is still tied up in my achievements or my performance with something, I can't sever that cord connecting it. I don't know how. Merely telling myself I'm not my accomplishments and to stop trying so hard to be perfect at things doesn't really do anything for me no matter how many times I tell myself.
I've pretty much divorced the idea that perfectionism was some kind of strength or focus to be really great at things. It's not. It's not about the piece of work or task or whatever I'm doing. It's about how well I'm doing it. Me. I'm hurting my music because I'm so damn obsessed on getting it perfect I don't finish my tracks. I'm afraid to finish anything because when I do I know I won't be satisfied because my growth as an artist is still at the infant stage. I've only been at this seriously for 2 years now. If there's one thing I wish I could learn it's to be ok with where I'm at and to just enjoy the journey. To really let go of that not good enough feeling and just embrace the idea that I'm still learning and it's ok.
This goes for my whole life as well. Stuff like careers. I've lost a lot of time to depression and anxiety. When I was younger and should have been building up my skills I was just so messed up in the head and couldn't focus or decide on anything. Now I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of that, but it's like emerging in the world after a stint in prison. I feel so behind and it's so overwhelming because it feels like at my age, 25, I'm really supposed to have my shit together by now.
Hehehehehe my brotha, let me first start off by saying that I think 25 is the perfect age to start getting our shit together.
I really don't think anyone "has their shit together" at age 25, at least not when I properly identified what I thought that means. We just barely became adults and are starting to learn how the real world works, becoming legitimate workers (or slaves) to the workforce.
Lemme tell you, I'm about to be 27 in a couple weeks, and I'm far from having my shit together but I'm okay with it because I am working towards it (well, in the process of working towards lol)
I turned down my old boss to come back to work for him despite the nice looking paycheck because I freaking felt like I was working at a dead end job.. it drained me the 4 years I worked there. I was running e2 when he proposed the offer, as well, and I chose to turn it down because I refuse to trade my emotional well being for some money I won't enjoy anyway because I would hate my life working there...
Just some food for thought
You raise a really good point. I think if I followed the same familiar worn path as everyone else I'd have my life together more. But I'd probably be miserable and dead on the inside because I'd be going against myself. Society sure makes it hard to be an emotionally healthy person, more than most people would care to admit.
On that note E2 continues to bring up stuff that I was sure wasn't a problem for me. I'm uncovering some serious shame surrounding sex or just being a sexual person. Like if I saw a hot girl and starting feeling sexual feelings towards her I used to tell myself I was being bad for sexually objectifying her. Yeah, major repression there for stuff that's pretty much a part of being human. Stupid over the top feminist propaganda I guess that I picked up from somewhere. Men and women might internalize equal amounts of shame over this stuff but I'd argue for men it's way more hidden in their head. I mean I'm discovering a sex drive right now that I had no idea existed. Weird stuff has been happening. I've been having these daydreams of having sex with beautiful women. Like literally every time there is a gap in my thoughts I'm imagining a sexual scenario with a girl. And I'm not talking sweet romantic passionate love making, I'm just talking raw animistic uninhibited sex. The kind of sex I used to think was "wrong". I'm working on channeling this sexual energy into my creative pursuits. I've heard of sexual transmutation before but I don't think I ever felt that actual sexual energy until now. Energy is energy, regardless of the source so I can see how potentially powerful this could be.
I'm just gonna say this now, not to be down on myself or anything, but I'm starting to really see how messed up in the head I am. Now I understand the meaning of repression. If you know something is there it's not repression, it's not the stuffing down of stuff. It's a complete lack of conscious awareness. To the point where you'll probably actively deny there is a problem. I have a feeling I've only touched the tip of the iceberg and there's a ton of stuff down there I haven't even uncovered yet.
I've also decided to scale back my listening of E2 as well. I'm still stuck in the old school more is better mentality, which is probably coming from fear of not getting enough exposure to E2 and not fully comprehending just how much more powerful these new subs are. Or worrying about resistance and giving into it. But my inner guidance is telling me to go easier on the listening. Before I got about 8 hours at night and maybe 2 or 3 during the day. So about 11 hours total, maybe 12 if I listened more in the evening. So now I'm just going to listen at night for 8 hours and see how it goes. I might be overtaxing my brain here. I'm like hey 5G to 5.5G, it's only half right? But how wrong I am lol, That's some faulty logic right there.
The timing of this sex stuff is interesting though, coinciding with the release of that aura of sex subliminal everyone has been interested in. I'm beginning to suspect the library of the universe where people download this info from to their subconscious is leaking to me. The subliminals forming a sort of peer to peer network among the users and I'm getting fragments of other stuff. Or I'm just thinking about sex now because that's the hot topic of discussion in these forums lol.
RE: EHPRA Journal - maxx55 - 06-19-2016
If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-19-2016
(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
RE: EHPRA Journal - maxx55 - 06-19-2016
(06-19-2016, 01:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just fuck her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".
I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.
But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey
P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it
RE: EHPRA Journal - mat422 - 06-19-2016
(06-19-2016, 02:12 PM)maxx55 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 01:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just **** her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".
I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.
But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey
P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it
What I'm gonna say next might come out incredibly vague, but I'll do my best. Believe it or not, E2 has been changing how you respond to these emotions. When you embraced it back then it swallowed you up and took control. But there's a huge difference between feeling emotions vs getting caught up in them. Back then you were in a lot of pain and you didn't have the emotional maturity or skillset to heal yourself. But you do now. You can dive into that feeling and explore it deeper and it won't pull you in. Even if you never ran these subliminals you've grown a lot since that time and have probably gained valuable insight into your behavior.
The fact that you have a strong aversion to these feelings is a huge indicator that it's exactly where you need to go in your healing journey.
I understand how you feel though. It took me a very long time to let down my guard. Anger and aggression were my only coping mechanisms for my incredibly vulnerable state I often felt I was in. But when I let those go and really started allowing E2 to work on why I felt vulnerable it strengthened me in a way anger couldn't.
You're afraid to go back and I understand that. It really takes a leap of faith to trust that E2 will heal you and you'll come out the other side stronger. Trust me when I say this, you won't go back to being that weak person. I had the same fears and they are gone now. That's all they are, fears. Fears that hold you back from the growth you deserve.
You can do this man. I'm not trying to make this a contest or anything of who is more messed up, but among all the people on this forum I was in really bad shape. Like close to suicidal when I found these subliminals. And on top of that I had such strong fears that kept me stuck in place. Fears I thought I could never ever get over. But here I am making progress I never dreamed was possible. If E2 has the strength to pull me out of the hell I was in, it's going to work for you too.
Talking always helps. We all need to be heard and validated and know we aren't alone in our struggles. If I came across as preachy in my post let me know. My intention is never to tell people how to feel, but to suggest an alternative to their current perception of how those feelings relate to them.