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+--- Thread: AM11 with Jeff (/Thread-AM11-with-Jeff)
RE: AM11 with Jeff - mat422 - 05-26-2011
I think it's good to write in these journals for yourself. After you finish alpha you can look back and see how you have grown. It's good to document all the changes, otherwise you don't really have a good idea of just how much you have changed.
I also noticed you wanted to get into skateboarding. Let me tell you it's a serious cardio workout, but it's also really fun. If you need any help let me know. When I first started skating I started out with a walmart board lol, huge mistake. It's ok for just learning to ride, but once you get into the actual tricks it becomes painfully obvious that the board is a piece of crap. If you have any local skate shops around you, that's your best option. Plus some girls go absolutely crazy for skaters lol.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-03-2011
I have some deeply rooted issues being put to rest today! I feel slightly more behind than most in the program, but this is not a race. I am only focused on my results, but still ecstatic to all the awesome changes that people on this forum are experiencing. I have developed a weird case on "contemporary envy." There is no ill-will, but 100% desire. I met this guy a few days ago. His confidence soared over mount Everest, without the arrogance. I want the same level, if not higher amount of confidence of that guy.
Update: I might be going to college in the Dominican Republic. It is very exciting, I have only been out of the country once. I also know maybe 7 words in Spanish, so it should be fun learning. Something about the tropics is so appealing to me. I would trade everything to live there.
I recently bought three books at Borders (nearly out of business, use your gift cards if you have them). The first being this little black book about surviving anywhere: from fighting off angry animals, flying airplanes & helicopters, to saving lives. The second, Power from the authors of The Secret. I am so lost and confused lately about my future. I have fear of the unknown like a mofo right now. I know everything will work out, I just need to build some trust within myself. My parents are quite disappointed by the careers I aspire to be: professional scuba diver, bartender, and possible personal trainer. I aced pre-calculus and physics like it was nothing, but I dreaded every equation out of the book. I love real-life applicable problems. Situations that matter are important to me, rather than repetitious busy work.
Ending note, life is continually getting better for me. If you have any suggestions or past experiences that are confidence super-boosters that are also fun or entertaining, I would greatly appreciate it!!
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Shannon - 06-03-2011
Choosing a profession for the young person is really difficult, and parents may have forgotten that. They say "youth is wasted on the young" because when we are young, we haven't had enough experience, made enough mistakes and developed enough understanding of repercussions to truly enjoy what we have - youth. That your parents are disappointed is no surprise to me, given what you want to be, because they probably believe you may eventually want more than these professions have to offer.
Then again, if one of them really fits you, you might have a dream job and be thrilled with what you do all your life. I can't say. Your parents want what is best for you, and they can see through eyes more experienced than yours. They're trying to prevent you from making the mistakes they - and, it seems, almost everyone else - made/makes. If I could go back to when I was 16 or 18, knowing what I know now, whooee, would I do things differently.
The reason education is so important is that with enough knowledge, one can make up for lack of experience, and doors will open. There are a lot of profession options you may not yet have considered, so my advice is to keep looking up what options there are. Also, don't just write things off, but really explore them.
Also, seriously consider going to college. And last but not least, become a psychic and know what you'll want to do after you have experience with whatever you choose, so you can make sure you don't make any choices that prevent you from being able to do whatever that is before you get there.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-07-2011
(06-03-2011, 09:07 AM)Shannon Wrote: Choosing a profession for the young person is really difficult, and parents may have forgotten that. They say "youth is wasted on the young" because when we are young, we haven't had enough experience, made enough mistakes and developed enough understanding of repercussions to truly enjoy what we have - youth. That your parents are disappointed is no surprise to me, given what you want to be, because they probably believe you may eventually want more than these professions have to offer.
Then again, if one of them really fits you, you might have a dream job and be thrilled with what you do all your life. I can't say. Your parents want what is best for you, and they can see through eyes more experienced than yours. They're trying to prevent you from making the mistakes they - and, it seems, almost everyone else - made/makes. If I could go back to when I was 16 or 18, knowing what I know now, whooee, would I do things differently.
The reason education is so important is that with enough knowledge, one can make up for lack of experience, and doors will open. There are a lot of profession options you may not yet have considered, so my advice is to keep looking up what options there are. Also, don't just write things off, but really explore them.
Also, seriously consider going to college. And last but not least, become a psychic and know what you'll want to do after you have experience with whatever you choose, so you can make sure you don't make any choices that prevent you from being able to do whatever that is before you get there.
You are welcome to say that again. The only reason my parents are disappointed is because I was in the gifted program when I was in elementary, middle, and high school. Math and science are practically second nature to me. I scored a 30 without a calculator on the ACT, but my English was not so hot.
I like the appeal of college, but I'd rather learn independently or one-on-one. In one hour of taking a Spanish course online from my library, I learned more than a full year in high school. Spending four to six years waiting to climb the corporate ladder isn't my goal.
I give everything one honest effort, then a final redemption chance. I have throughouly evaluated all the careers I am best-suited for, they are wonderful jobs, but I'd be on the verge of shooting my brains out on the drive home. The thing about Professional Scuba diving that is most appealing to me is working in tropical areas. I will gladly take a lesser pay to live in paradise. The pay ranges from $30K-85K starting with the six month certificate I plan to receive. That is decent for one source of income. I plan on getting Think Like a Millionaire soon, I am always coming up with great ideas, but I am not sure how to make money off the ideas. I defintely need to come up with a lot more money for my Study Abroad Scuba College tuition.
This point leads into the previous. The believe, "I control my own reality," has nearly full sunk in. If I can control 90% of what goes on in my life, why bother going through a long enduring experience that I may not like? If I can attract whatever I desire through my thoughts and feelings, then I should do everything in my power to have a job that I love, live in my ideal location, and live life in everyway possible (without going overboard i.e. Charlie Sheen ha!)
--In I think James thread, you talked about how there were numerous ways of attracting objects/people. I only know of two: repitive thought pattern and thoughts charged with energy. Is there more? I have a whole summer ahead of me. I am trying to do everything in my power to prepare myself for the future and gain as much as possible applicable knowledge as possible.
I think I might have to become a gypsy for that psychic idea
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Shannon - 06-11-2011
(06-07-2011, 11:17 PM)Jeff Wrote:(06-03-2011, 09:07 AM)Shannon Wrote: Choosing a profession for the young person is really difficult, and parents may have forgotten that. They say "youth is wasted on the young" because when we are young, we haven't had enough experience, made enough mistakes and developed enough understanding of repercussions to truly enjoy what we have - youth. That your parents are disappointed is no surprise to me, given what you want to be, because they probably believe you may eventually want more than these professions have to offer.
Then again, if one of them really fits you, you might have a dream job and be thrilled with what you do all your life. I can't say. Your parents want what is best for you, and they can see through eyes more experienced than yours. They're trying to prevent you from making the mistakes they - and, it seems, almost everyone else - made/makes. If I could go back to when I was 16 or 18, knowing what I know now, whooee, would I do things differently.
The reason education is so important is that with enough knowledge, one can make up for lack of experience, and doors will open. There are a lot of profession options you may not yet have considered, so my advice is to keep looking up what options there are. Also, don't just write things off, but really explore them.
Also, seriously consider going to college. And last but not least, become a psychic and know what you'll want to do after you have experience with whatever you choose, so you can make sure you don't make any choices that prevent you from being able to do whatever that is before you get there.
You are welcome to say that again. The only reason my parents are disappointed is because I was in the gifted program when I was in elementary, middle, and high school. Math and science are practically second nature to me. I scored a 30 without a calculator on the ACT, but my English was not so hot.
I like the appeal of college, but I'd rather learn independently or one-on-one. In one hour of taking a Spanish course online from my library, I learned more than a full year in high school. Spending four to six years waiting to climb the corporate ladder isn't my goal.
I give everything one honest effort, then a final redemption chance. I have throughouly evaluated all the careers I am best-suited for, they are wonderful jobs, but I'd be on the verge of shooting my brains out on the drive home. The thing about Professional Scuba diving that is most appealing to me is working in tropical areas. I will gladly take a lesser pay to live in paradise. The pay ranges from $30K-85K starting with the six month certificate I plan to receive. That is decent for one source of income. I plan on getting Think Like a Millionaire soon, I am always coming up with great ideas, but I am not sure how to make money off the ideas. I defintely need to come up with a lot more money for my Study Abroad Scuba College tuition.
This point leads into the previous. The believe, "I control my own reality," has nearly full sunk in. If I can control 90% of what goes on in my life, why bother going through a long enduring experience that I may not like? If I can attract whatever I desire through my thoughts and feelings, then I should do everything in my power to have a job that I love, live in my ideal location, and live life in everyway possible (without going overboard i.e. Charlie Sheen ha!)
--In I think James thread, you talked about how there were numerous ways of attracting objects/people. I only know of two: repitive thought pattern and thoughts charged with energy. Is there more? I have a whole summer ahead of me. I am trying to do everything in my power to prepare myself for the future and gain as much as possible applicable knowledge as possible.
I think I might have to become a gypsy for that psychic idea
There are more, but you don't need to worry about them. The ones you know about will work just fine, and I'm too sick at the moment to remember the others.
But it's not thoughts charged with energy, it's desire, guided with willpower and powered by energy. You can make those three come together with simply getting off your butt and physically doing something (which is usually the easier, faster way), or you can use them from a purely non-physical standpoint.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-12-2011
Interesting. I am practicing gratitude like there is no tomorrow. I must say, it requires a major conscious effort, especially turning a very negative situation into a postive, like drinking hot water in the heat of the day with +70% humidity. I figured it was a hell of a lot better deal than a person stranded in a desert or very remote areas were water is scarce. I bet it will be second nature in no time flat. I am curious about the non-physical standpoint. Could you go into more detail about that?
Day three of P90X, I couldn't finish day one, nor two. But I destroyed day three. Thank you to my second whim. I was panting and my body was on fire. My willpower turned on high gear. I feel amazing. A new source of energy and vigor is supplementing me throughout the day, instead of acting as a siphon. I am meeting and accomplishing my goals left and right.
New goals: Stay on top of current tasks, improve social and dating life, and keep aquiring hobbies.
Life is becoming greater every day!
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-12-2011
Oh hey Shannon, you getting closer on the work load to make a custom SM11 for $224.95 soon?
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-16-2011
Oddly, today was probably one of the best days of my life. I started out waking up as usual. But I had this strong urge to get stuff done. Finished all my chores with 15 minutes (Much faster than normal), and felt like that was nothing. I made some calls about getting a job. I was slightly irritated that I was being put off continually by this one company. I left to go pick-up applications from wherever I could see myself working. The first location I went to the manager was a real assh*le. He said I was lazy for starting this late and wouldn't find anything job available. Instead of getting upset, I felt this strong surge of motivation coarse threw my veins. I was so angry that this guy thought he could affect my reality. This is my world, my reality, my rules. I spent 3 hours on hardcore searching. I actually found some pretty awesome places to work for that need some help!
imagine that.I decided to quit going to my youth group, because I am two months away from my age cut-off, but the information about going to the Midnight showing of the Green Lantern was tonight. So I stuck with it this last time. The night was much better than most. Although, this one guy was hella disrespectful. I nearly hit him, but I gained my cool back very quick. The glare I gave him was clearly understood. Disrespect is ranked #1 on my pet peeves. I could hate everything about a person, but if they show me respect, I can deal with them (one of my old co-workers lol).
The two biggest things happened tonight. Both have many parallels.
1) One of my friends with benefits (one of my ex-girlfriends). Texted me out of the blue, asking if to get together. I asked her to join with me to sneak into the water park. She flipped out and went into one of her psychotic jealousy episodes. I cheated on her when I dated her because we lived kinda far apart during high school and didn't see each other much anymore. Every time I see her, she will ask me at least 5 times how many girls have I been with since the last time I've seen her. She is the most jealous person I've ever met. I told her I know who I am and I do not care what anybody else thinks of me. If I want to see multiple women non-exclusively, I'll do it with zero inhibitions. Nobody is going to tie me down. I do what I want, when I want.
The next was all my life, I believed I had to fit a cookie cutter mold of what I wanted to be. It all started around before 6th grade. I decided if I wanted to be cool, I had to become a prep. I had my mom buy me all the clothes, I hung out with all the preppy kids, and adopted the attitude. At the same time I was a computer nerd which conflicted big time. This trend ended the end of freshman year. I moved to a new state, my parents separated, all before freshman year of high school. I hated my life and anybody in my life with a raw burning passion. I became the emo-loner football player. I was talented, but had no motivation to show it off. I was quite the ladies man, but I was so angry I blew everybody off. This had some insane repercussions. I attracted my own hell. Since my previous mold didn't work. I went with the mysterious tough guy. The one that did not talk much, but people secretly liked and respected. I also got into the community around the same time, which f*cked up my game with women. I felt so unnatural using all the bullsh*t techniques. Now, I have pretty much purged all unwanted behavior patterns. Still working on this though. One of my favorite quotes is, "Great things take time." I've been getting into Anime lately. Some old shows I use to watch are now at my disposal to buy. I was looking up the best scenes of this certain show, and this song chose by author, is the best. Dancing for Rain by Rise Against. Made me think I bought so many songs just cause a certain group thought mainstream was popular. In reality, there are ungodly amounts of artists and groups that put the mainstream in absolute shame.
I can be whoever I want. Any combination of any group. Sad to say I learned this at age 18, but better late than never. I am free to be me. I know who I am, and who I want to become. I guess that is one reason I do not want to get my Bachelor's Degree or MBA. I don't want to end up working in an office job that sucks. I want to live on my terms and nobody else's. I would hate to wake up as some Corporate's highly paid slave doing day-in and day-out boring tasks. I know I've always been different from the rest, but now it is all making more and more sense.
I am sure to find great success. I feel original for once. I am deleting my quotes until I think of a few of my own. I want my key sayings to be mine, and nobody elses, especially trend words. I hope the days to come are augmented versions of today.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - mat422 - 06-16-2011
You are very fortunate to be able to see things this clearly. A lot of people are blind when it comes to this stuff and just follow the herd. I think being a teenager is more tough than people realize sometimes. It's the one stage in your life where it's really hard to find yourself and combine that with all the hormones raging through your body most kids are a mess. I know I was, coming from a background of social anxiety and depression, I was pretty much an outcast because of my own doing. But it sounds like things are really coming together for you. Oh and 18 is young and a really good age to be solidifying this mindset, I'd say you are ahead of most the other guys out there.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-18-2011
I have been having Insomnia for the past week. I am staying up till 5:00am like it is nothing. No energy drinks, but very small amounts of caffine. This is unusual, but makes perfect sense. I have been learning the basics of Alchemy, the pretext is actually quite facinating. I can hardly wait till my novice and advanced books are delivered! I don't really care for the turning lead into gold, but that would be helpful lol
Transmutations and DNA transformation are making me stir crazy. Alchemy is more spirtual than anything. Refining and purifying the soul and mind until perfection. There was a Japanese police officer who lived about 100 years ago, that was so devouted to his work, he trained an additional two hours on his martial arts and punching his stone wall after work. Over the course of several years, his hand developed ridgid calcium deposits on his knuckles. He was reknowned for knocking out criminals in a single punch. Hell, if a guy with that amount of training hit me, I could be out as well. I have been almost obsessed with fire. Not the typical pyro. I don't enjoy burning everything in sight just cause I can. I love how the flames are so tantalysing, and how each flame dances across the rim of the logs. This book I ordered in the far advanced sections teaches about DNA manipulation. The ability to harness and control fire as long as a source is avialable. >In addition, Criss Angel has added himself on my list of role models. His passion to achieve the impossible, and drive to become the best version of himself is 100% qualifacation. Several demonstrations he performed amazed me to the point of future study. For example: becoming a human candle, levitation, vodoo, mentalism, the influence of a shadow.
I am shocking myself on a daily basis of who I have become. Comparing my 14, 16, and even pre-alpha stages of my life to now are monumental. The way I talk, the way I think, the way I act still possess their innate qualities, just amplified to unordinary measures. It is odd, I can delve deep into my mind and recount my previous ways, and instantly brought back into my current self-being. This is quite creepy lol.
My current goals are:
-Land a job or grandure source of income
-Master my mind && body
-Perfect my balance and flexibilty
-Perform alchemy (hopefully some interesting transmutation)
-Finish all my reading materials
-Get back into martial arts
-Take care of other unfinished business
@Mat
Yes, very true. It is almost frieghtening how easy of a domino effect can take place even in First World civilizations. Like the Jersey Shore, faux hawks, obsession that money and/careers are the core of your identity. Kids and teenagers soak up information like a sponge, whether good or bad. I know there is nothing new under the sun, but technology and transportation have definitely played their role in accelerating the growth of the intensity of growing up. I tried several times to find my true self, but always came up short. The truth was I didn't have to find myself at all. I just had to realize I am who I am, and have the full measure to do anything with my life.
I was never really possessed social anxiety until I hit rock bottom. The depression came with a flux of other problems. Rising above from the bottom I say would be a key source of motivation. When you can say you went from nothing into a spectacular person, it makes you wonder, wha could you possibly achieve from your current situation compared to the earlier.
This is hard to put in words, but I'll do my best. In some ways I feel I am surpass mentally compared to others, yet emotionally and experience less. I have time on my side, yet how much time do I really have?
** I am having difficulty with my reality. Why am I here? How does this world exist? How do I operate in my own little world, while jointly being connected to 7,000,000,000 others who are capable of the exact same circumstances? If everything is made up of energy, what is the difference between my wooden chair and this computer? If my conscious life is a more stable reality vs. my more chaotic dream patterns, how do I fashion my reality to become exactly the way I want it? How do I do what is deemed impossible to second-nature?
LOL, I feel like a modern Aristotle with all the questions.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - mat422 - 06-18-2011
Quote:This is hard to put in words, but I'll do my best. In some ways I feel I am surpass mentally compared to others, yet emotionally and experience less. I have time on my side, yet how much time do I really have?
I think I know what you mean. I believe you are like me in that you question life and you look deeper than other people. I'd suggest you watch The Matrix again, that movie is amazing in how it parallels the real world. I think some people are caught up in this fabricated reality and aren't willing to step outside and look at the truth. You are a free thinker and aren't held down by society's conditioning and belief system, others can't or won't choose this path.
Quote:** I am having difficulty with my reality. Why am I here? How does this world exist? How do I operate in my own little world, while jointly being connected to 7,000,000,000 others who are capable of the exact same circumstances? If everything is made up of energy, what is the difference between my wooden chair and this computer? If my conscious life is a more stable reality vs. my more chaotic dream patterns, how do I fashion my reality to become exactly the way I want it? How do I do what is deemed impossible to second-nature?
I can totally relate to that. I've often pondered about the universe and how we think of our lives as so important, but Earth is so insignificant compared to the vast universe. When you really think about this stuff you realize that there are bigger things going on and some things that we may not even be aware of yet. We have the ability to be conscious and yet people choose to stay within their limited reality instead of branching out and exploring the unknown.
There is the theory that we are merely our brains and we try to justify our existence as much as possible, when in reality we are nothing. However, I've never been one to jump to an absolute conclusion. How could you when there still isn't enough proof? All I know is I am open to any experiences in my life and I never say never to anything. But if it turns out life has no meaning, I'm fine with that too. Life is essentially a gift given to you everyday and enjoying it to the fullest is the best thing we could possibly do.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 06-20-2011
My mind has been enduring an epic frenzy lately. I am getting blasted with diverse emotions and thoughts as if there is no tomorrow. Strife and being collected are clashing heavily. If somebody wronged me, I attempt to get even, while my calm collectedness cools me down almost instantly. I have a massive anger & depression reserve that I need to release immidiately. Taking walks helps, but is merely scratching the surface. I have about 4 years of solid, powerful negative emotion that has to go. I can no longer deal with this bullsh*t in me. Even people around me are able to tell. No matter how hard I try and hide these feelings, I give away subtle cues. I think unloading on a punching bag for several hours will do the trick. Anger, hate, lonliness, depression, shame, and self-loathing are eating away at me. I am also feeling indifferent beyond all reason, I hardly care about anything at the moment. Maybe that is connected to my emotional disorder at the moment. I seem impossible to please and ungrateful as can be. People have been doing such nice things and expect me to praise their deeds, but a fake smile and a near genuine thank you is all I can muster. Help?
What actual truth is and observed truth is actually quite obscure. Take the color of grass, it appears green to me, but grass is every color, but green. I want to figure out life on my own, better yet many companions. Although, reinventing the wheel is always the first thing I check. I feel as if I am in a drugged state of mind. I wake up from these amazing dreams where I am able to do whatever I please (I want longer and more lucid dreams, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!) Then I come to my body. Same old sh*t on a different day. I need to get out of this hole and make something of myself. I am just lacking the funds at the moment. I need some wealth affirmations/spells pronto.
Quote:I can totally relate to that. I've often pondered about the universe and how we think of our lives as so important, but Earth is so insignificant compared to the vast universe. When you really think about this stuff you realize that there are bigger things going on and some things that we may not even be aware of yet. We have the ability to be conscious and yet people choose to stay within their limited reality instead of branching out and exploring the unknown.
There is the theory that we are merely our brains and we try to justify our existence as much as possible, when in reality we are nothing. However, I've never been one to jump to an absolute conclusion. How could you when there still isn't enough proof? All I know is I am open to any experiences in my life and I never say never to anything. But if it turns out life has no meaning, I'm fine with that too. Life is essentially a gift given to you everyday and enjoying it to the fullest is the best thing we could possibly do.
I actually feel very significant. I feel as if I've been given this entire world. I have to share some aspects and deal with some things, but ultimately this is mine. Arrogance? Maybe. I don't feel higher, nor lower than anyone, just I feel deserving of whatever I want. I did a google search on Why are we here? I pull up a really cool page. I am still considering my purpose carefully. This is my life I am dealing with, and I want to choose the best possible combination for myself.
[Content removed by virtue of direct violation with Rule #4.]
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Shannon - 06-26-2011
Rule #4: You may not discuss politics or religion, even in the Off Topic sections.
RE: AM11 with Jeff - Jeff - 07-01-2011
Forgot about rule #4. As of late, the weeks have been rough mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am seeing the blinding light at the end of the tunnel, but I have some more steps to tread. I have so much I want to accomplish, but my energy has been nowhere to be found. I am exerting far more energy than I have in the tank. Looking back, I am miles from who I a was, if I went back, would I change anything? I am not sure yet, the journey is far from over and the outcome is varying.
When I first heard about affirmations and subliminals, my mouth watered with desire with a piercing smell of neediness which also gave birth to Insecurity. I saw these two tools as my only way out, my only shot at redemption. While, that may have been the case, I am able to stand on my own two feet well and use these as tools now, not a panacea. I feel like I am in the first few phases of being awakened rom the Matrix. Pulling out the mechanical cords and seeing life in an entirely new light. Freeing my mind has been more interesting than I thought it'd be. Why has society train the average to be a certain way? and why was I so lucky to break away?
Now, I want to learn all that I can, find True knowledge, master my mind, body, emotions, and spirit. I am eager to join Yoga and gymnastics as soon as possible. Also getting back into MMA would be grand. I bought two oak katanas, which have proven to be able to withstand fierce strikes, the only problem is it is hard to find a teacher/sefu/sensei in my area (youtube videos on this subject blow!), I also bought foam padded nunchakus which I broke? How can I break these by it bouncing of my body, they are pretty padded. I am looking for some B.A. wooden ones. I also purchased a 72inch/6ft White Wax Bo staff. I hit a oak tree as hard as I could baseball bat style, this staff did not even dent, I can't imagine getting hit by it. Mastering these three weapons is one of my primary goals.
I am trying to sell my skateboard or refund it. It was great while I had it, just not for me. I rather snowboard or wakeboard. Stupid cracks and pebbles everywhere got to my wits.
I am also interested in learning a foreign language. Spanish for its practicality, and Japanese for the pleasure. Rosetta stone is a great choice, but I need to buy a headset, my laptop's built in speakers distort my voice causing me to fail non-stop at the quizzes.
Training my brain is crucial right now. My left brain has been throughly tested and should be fit for many years, but my left brain has been ignored beyond reason. I took all math and business classes from 6th grade to my senior year. Calculus is not that bad, but drawing class is a monster.
After watching the Secret, I thought I was a bad person for thinking any negative thoughts. It is good to moniter and steer my train of thought towards positivity, but repressing my negative emotions was the most unhealthy experience of my life. I chatted with my mentor online, I was so angry, frustrated, and depressed. I was being extremely rude and drilling her with questions. I don't know how, but she hit my deepest emotional cord that sent me on a wild ride. Tears streamed down my face for hours. I was paralyzed in rage and sobbing depression. My voice was hoarse, eyes ached, and my knuckles sore. I felt cheated in life. How could my life have such a downward spiral? Why did it take so long to get help? Being grateful and forgiving is something I am still working at.
For some reason a couple weeks ago, whenever I looked at somebody, whatever they were doing or talking about stopped when my eye-contact hit. I felt alpha, but not welcoming at all. I was doing my best to feel warm and inviting, but it didn't work. My eyes speak a thousand words, but are those words what I want to use? I am so quiet, I have hardly spoke more than 20 words to anybody except a couple. I am fully capable of talking on hours on end, it's just I don't want to. With anybody. I just want to enjoy total silence while having a good time with others. I have a lot of sadness that I still need to flush out. Maybe people can see deep into my soul, but I cannot seem to see anything into others. Why is that? Are their windows fogged up?
I recently watched a video, where the man asked, "What makes you wake up in the morning?" The only thing I could think of is a brighter future. I been stuck in the rut for so long, I just need to get out. I just have to come up with $7,000 to $8,000 and my dream is mine. My house, my neighborhood, my street, my sub-division, my city, and even my state feels toxic. I was not meant to live in the Midwest. I need to live near the ocean, the sea, and flowing streams. Not a densely wooded area full of old people and extremely conservative families.
I am going to purge all my bad habits and become the best version of myself I ever thought possible!