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+--- Thread: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal (/Thread-KeelS-Self-Control-Accountability-Habit-Journal)
KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - KeelS - 02-15-2012
Hi Everyone!
I have started what seems at present a monumental task. After finishing AM & SM I feel I'm up for something that requires a lot of conscious effort as well as subliminal aid. I have discussed this with Shannon and he is in the works of making or updating a subliminal to aid, facilitate, and make this process less painful, maybe even enjoyable. I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II disorder some time ago, with all the classic symptoms associated with it full-blown. I decided not to take medications. After much thought I decided that this "disorder" is just a complex net of interconnecting symptoms (or specific disorders) that feed on each other. Lifestyle changes, aided by AM & SM calmed this down a LOT. But there are still rough points in my life that I would like to eliminate, because if they get out of control, they make, and amplify all other behaviors to be much worse and put me at risk again for crossing that "diagnosis" threshold. Hence a web of problems, to be taken down at once. I managed to take out some individually, and the severity of the problem as a whole but the related nature of these things makes many of them impossible. I have isolated the most pressing matters in a bubble diagram so I could visually make sense of the situation and decide what & what does not affect my stability and is a plan for life-long success. I have already made MUCH progress from AM & SM as well as personal focused growth, to where I do not believe I do not have BP II symptoms to where they can be classified as a disease anymore. I do not believe at this point I could be diagnosed as such again nor do I believe it is a permanent disorder for ANYONE. What helped make up my mind on this was the plastic nature of the brain, as shown in examples of "You are not your brain" by J.M. Schwartz MD and R. Gaudding MD. I fully and completely reject my psychiatrists prognosis saying that the disorder he calls a "disease" causes the symptoms. FALSE, the symptoms cause this larger disorder, and with faith in myself and reality of neural plasticity being readily achievable, I've already proved this to quite a degree. Really each symptom is a small disorder that interact with other symptoms to create a greater pattern of dysfunction, labeled Bipolar Type II. WITHOUT SYMPTOMS, THERE IS NO DISORDER. Science and the medical community is slowly catching up to the advances in neuro & brain science, but I owe my current level of happiness, clarity, and lithium-free, lamictal-free life to this research. I owe it to the progressive & advancing thinking of my real doctor who recommended that book to me when finding out psychiatrist wanted to put me on both those medications, and to ever-increasing dosages. (I am also now psychiatrist free, feels good!). To anyone who wants to say that my symptoms couldn't have been as severe as in the DSM IV guidelines or as someone else they know, or insinuate that if they were they aren't curable, please do not respond to this thread. Only I know the hell that I've been through and the almost complete reversal of what plagued me so long.
So, I am nowhere near what I feel is my potential effectiveness as a person and at life, and that's where this journey starts to rid myself of these negative behaviors permanently. I have identified specific lingering habits that interact with one another that I need to take out at once. I've already changed some huge ones over the last six months but it was a slow process requiring lots of self control and willpower and luck. I can't leave things up to chance anymore so I'm stepping it up.
My goal is to track and change specific habits for 90 days, and at the 90 days re-assess if I need to repeat or I feel the behaviors have become automatic and dominant healthy habits. I may at the 90 days undertake new challenges, drop some, add some depending on my situation. Some behaviors may take longer to control, I feel I need at least 60 days of un-interrupted success before I can stop this level of intensity, accountability wise. The plan is if I don't get 60 days of uninterrupted success for a habit (even if I have a valid excuse) to continue this tracking afterwards. This will give me 30 days to get my things in order, and will put some fire under me to stick to the next 60.
I have a laundry list of goals that I feel either detract or add to my stability and therefore effectiveness in life.
I've made some diagrams, have attached them with my spreadsheet. Depending on the goal, I will be wording these with negative or positive reinforcement (i.e. check for eating healthy all 3 meals, or check for failing this daily goal). This decision is purely personal on which I feel I will respond better. I do not believe positive enforcements are always the best...H.G. Halverson, PhD, has written how this varies and I agree completely.
*Eat healthy for ALL 3 meals
*Eliminate Pornography Usage (Labeled Free Pro on my sheet)
*Only use facebook deliberately to avoid distraction. At the end of the day will run a search on my browser history and record # of seperate times I've visited for that day
*Minimize video games & Hulu shows to 1 per day (one round on a game, one show, will use history method to track)
*Go to the gym 5 days a week
*Undergo Brain training daily (I use Lumosity)
*Wake up at 5 AM
*Be in bed at or by 9 PM
*Eliminate need & usage for Sleeping Medication A: Ambien
*Eliminate need & usage for Sleeping Medication B: Doxylamine Succinate or Promethazine (both extremely sedating antihistamines, the most powerful)
*Practice Violin daily for a bare minimum of 30 minutes
*Keep alcohol usage to a maximum of once every 2 weeks for special occasions
The only goal I don't know how I will control yet is controlling music listened to. I am extremely susceptible to moods in music, an extremely addictive track with the wrong mood (little embarrassing but for example recent Katy Perry's "The one that got away") will set me into an emotional slump for up to a week. An addictive track like Eminem's "Cinderella Man" will instead pump me up and up my mood for the week. I have yet to come up for a plan to how to at least somewhat control this and am open to ideas.
I'll be following these rules for myself:
1) Track my behaviors at all cost, every morning or every night to monitor progress
2) Keep myself accountable to others (Since I have no significant others, I feel sharing my results in a public forum will do the trick)
3) Have a clear plan of action and develop new plans of action if plan is failing (this is part of the plan, by diagramming and tracking specific identified behaviors)
My plan is to scan in the spreadsheets as I fill them out and post them here to help track progress. I am going to start this before the subliminal is available and will mark when I start listening to it as well.
Thx for reading, I'll be in touch
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - RainbowAbyss - 02-16-2012
Wow-good luck to you
my life is 1000X better since consistently quitting call of duty
and porn and my highly unstable moods have leveled out a lot.
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - Shannon - 02-16-2012
Very interesting, Keels. It seems these programs are going even more good than I realized.
Are you saying the program we discussed could be used to help people who would be or have been diagnosed with Type II bipolar disorder? Or are you just wanting that to be about accountability for one's actions?
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - Spiral - 02-16-2012
Which programs are you useing Keels. And good luck man.
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - KeelS - 02-16-2012
So I'm on day 2 of the schedule. I'm already having come to terms with reality and throw out some of the denial I've been dealing with. My sleep medications are at their minimum effectiveness now, and if I don't drop them tonight for a week I will have withdrawals. I will already have withdrawals but I mean major ones. Controlling my sleep is going to be really rough the next week with no sleep meds and I'm going to be very fatigued from lack of sleep. My biggest challenge will be not to oversleep since without the meds I will probably be stuck until around 1 until I can sleep. With this fatigue I may have to cut down gym time to prevent overtraining. However, I have to stick to the schedule, and even if I have to go there and sit on my ass, I'm going there to solidify the habit. Shit I'll go drive to the parking lot then drive back home if I have to. The good news is though, after the week is up, I can properly cycle the sleep meds for another week and very small doses will be effective again. After that next cycle I should be getting very close to being able to go to sleep around 9 naturally and getting up at 5 will be a breeze even if I'm only actually falling asleep around 10 or 11. If everything goes well, once my 60 day no excuse zone hits I'll only have to use my sleep meds max once every 5 days in the case of accidental caffeine intake, adrenaline release, late workouts, oversleeping, etc.
(02-16-2012, 01:18 AM)RainbowAbyss Wrote: Wow-good luck to you
my life is 1000X better since consistently quitting call of duty
and porn and my highly unstable moods have leveled out a lot.
Thanks! I had to quit a major addicting game as well, but that was some time ago. Things have been much better since. I'm looking to just play starcraft no more than once a day, which has been pretty easy to control. The big problem with any activity on the computer, is I start to get into a "zombie" state to where I've been on it long enough I am only going through an auto-pilot routine of where I don't have a plan, I'm literally just in a trance frittering away time. I want to minimize that with things that contribute to it.
(02-16-2012, 05:26 AM)Shannon Wrote: Very interesting, Keels. It seems these programs are going even more good than I realized.
Are you saying the program we discussed could be used to help people who would be or have been diagnosed with Type II bipolar disorder? Or are you just wanting that to be about accountability for one's actions?
Mainly looking for accountability, self control, persistence...I think it could be used as a path for treating any sort of disorder. Basically a sub for increasing self-treatment ability through these kinds of methods. A sub could be made for BP2, but I'm past where I'd consider myself to be so, but if there's a future demand for it I could help. My friends that have it, were all pretty darn similar to how I was, minus having/had one or two symptoms here or there. I'm looking for programming that will help me stick to my schedule, take away negative associations/dread for things I sometimes feel I "have" to do and replace it with positive thinking because in truth I want to do them, and once I get around to doing them I feel great. It's like going to the gym, sometimes you just don't want to go, but once you go and do it you feel great. I think you get the idea though!
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - KeelS - 03-30-2012
Hey everybody! I know I said I'd check in at two weeks, but man time flies. This sub and following this journey has been one of the hardest, but most rewarding things I've ever done. Progress is much slower than I expected. BUT, when I think about what I was really asking for....
Really I was asking for one sub to take care of what 12 different subs would do. Subs for practicing an instrument, enhancing the brain, going to the gym, controlling sleep, controlling computer use, overcoming porn addiction, working,....the list go on.
So realizing now the colossal thing I've asked this sub to help me with, I now see that the fact I HAVE results, and I'm making PROGRESS, is nothing short of ASTOUNDING!!! This sub is enabling me to tackle so many things at once, which I believe is important because many of them are so interconnected. My art and music talent have improved up to my previous standards, and are now at the point where I don't have to worry so much about technicalities. I'm at the point of expression, and being at the point of expression is great because I can channel things like pain, happiness, etc. Before I got "good" enough at my art again, I was too worried about technical stuff, or being out of tune on my violin, to truly just be able to express. Because of this I'm much more stable than when I started.
I've attached my progress, and highlighted failures. I'm going to add some comments about the whole thing that I think are very important to note. Keep in mind at the beginning of this journey I had no control over any of these habits. Zero.
Habits that I feel are now SOLID under control: Practicing Violin, Brain Training, Drawing, Alcohol consumption, when to appropriately use sleep medication
Habits that I feel are under control for NOW but am apprehensive about: Using my blender at least once a day, being porn-free, flossing every night, going to the gym
Habits that are OK but flip-flopping: Facebook use, Hulu/TV shows/Video game use, Eating all healthy meals
Habits that are NOT in control but have made improvements on compared to when I started: Waking up @5, retiring @9, music composition (just started/added this), and making sure I work 4+ hours a day
The hardest parts of this have been sleep control and porn addiction. I had no idea how hard it would be to kick the porn but I am now 6 days free and 2 of those days were awful and I feel much stronger about it. The sleep has been a beast and I've much closer to my goal (closer to 5/9) but has been very difficult mostly due to all the life disasters I've been hit with while on this journey. It's as though now for the first time in my life that I'm actually experiencing SUCCESS, there's a little devil on my shoulder trying to make me crack and go into my old habits...throwing every kind of shit storm into my life to unbalance me. The little devil may have won some battles, but I'm winning the war and I feel so much stronger than when I started.
I want to emphasize that when I started, NONE of this was under control, not a single one of these habits and I have NEVER in my life had control of any of these except when I was a kid I was able to sleep properly...
In the past when I've tried to do this, any number of life crises would have stopped me in my tracks and pitched me back into old habits. For the first time I'm able to get knocked down and GET BACK UP. Here are some big obstacles I've come across that could have stopped me in my tracks and have stopped me in the past:
(In chronological order since I started):
A very nasty flu/virus that lasted 7+ days that made me unable to do much of anything.
A big life decision making crisis about having to move and transfer to a new university causing major stress. (#1 on spreadsheet)
My friend that I was going to be roomates with that I was relying on bailed forcing me to rethink all moving/transferring plans and causing major stress(#2)
My current university again didn't let me get into any classes because my department is overfilled and my only course is the university symphony orchestra. This again caused tremendous stress as I'm losing all financial aid (#3)
At the 30 day mark I decided to add Drawing, working 4+ hours a day, making sure to use my blender, flossing, and later music composition to my accountable activities, increasing the load on my mind and the subliminal.
I started to get severe phantom full body pain at day 34 and I was diagnosed with 3 hemorrhoids making it impossible to sit at times and being irritable and in pain all day. I was able to solve the hemorrhoid pain but the phantom pain didn't go away until I started using antibiotics. I believe something got infected before I was able to start treating them properly. I was also on painkillers for a long time, making it difficult to do a lot of things and impacted my decision-making.
Yesterday someone who I consider part of my inner circle of 5 best friends, threw away our friendship because she's "in love" with a man who isn't comfortable with her having any male friends. I fought this best I could, but it's been a major major loss and it's going to be a tough recovery. I've only lost two major friends in my life, one through suicide and the other because he had mental issues. But I will stay steadfast, it caused extra failures yesterday but I will keep fighting till I'm recovered. I will have to be even more careful choosing my best friends, because my best friends have my heart as I do theirs and it is a risky thing but the benefits are worth it I think, I just have to be more careful picking them.
Note that I started the subliminal at day 8. I'm way behind my initial projections, and this may go from a 90 day project to up to a 180 day project but I am ECSTATIC that I am indeed winning and this is all truly possible so I am in it to win it and in it for the long haul.
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - KeelS - 03-30-2012
Wanted to add one more thing. On day 50 I've dedicated a "no excuse" zone for 11 days. Where I make sure 100% of my priorities are on following my plan no exceptions and will pretty much turn down anything that may detract from me achieving them. I'm a little scared, but I think I can handle it. My biggest concern in achieving 100% success is sleeping, and I may not be able to do it without starting up ambien again.
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - Shannon - 03-30-2012
Very interesting results. Thanks for the feeback.
This seems to fall in line with what my other experiments are showing for the configuration you're using.
RE: KeelS' Self Control/Accountability/Habit Journal - KeelS - 04-05-2012
(03-30-2012, 11:02 AM)Shannon Wrote: Very interesting results. Thanks for the feeback.
Well I've started my 11-day "No excuse zone" yesterday. I just barely scraped by getting a perfect day. It was actually my first "100% success" day yet. I've gotten really close several times but never really managed to get everything. It is hard. Really hard. Still the hardest thing I've faced is the porn addiction. Every day now is a battle for the next 10 days. The porn addiction mocks me all the time, sometimes every minute. I thought I've been addicted to things before, but never like this. Now I think I understand better what smokers go through trying to quit. Sometimes the battle is just minute by minute, I'm calling up friends to desperately hang out or do SOMETHING to get me out of the house away from the computer and the temptation. The sleep is only controllable for now with ambien due to something strange upsetting my sleep lately.
However I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. The potential of what I can become if every day becomes at least a 90% day, I will literally become all my dreams. I am excited about life in a way I've never been before because I never thought I could really do all the things I wanted to, there just wasn't enough time and/or I'm not dedicated enough. Well, if I can pull off the remaining 10 days of 100%, I sure as hell think it's possible to continue a 90% for life. It'll only get easier as the habits get engrained. If I ever go on a vacation and get out of the habits...when I come back, I can just use the tracking and the subliminal again for a boost. The old habit will still be there waiting to get re-activated. Change for life.
My drawing skills are at a comfortable level of drawing-what-I-see. Now I'm starting courses that will hopefully teach me to draw from the mind. Here's some drawing I consider "good enough" and is probably the best I've ever done although there's some errors and could use improvement but it took years to even get this far. I might push my draw-what-I-see farther later or when I get tired of drawing from the mind lessons. After I get good with the mind lessons, it's probably off to color pencils or watercolor.
The girl is lizzy caplan btw. I feel the quality of my drawing (on a personal rating scale, I'm nowhere as good as the pros) is a 9/10. My ability to catch her likeness in this picture maybe a 7.5/10 and could use some work.