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+--- Thread: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* (/Thread-Jake-s-Overcoming-Fear-5-75-1G-Journal)
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-12-2020
(10-12-2020, 01:47 AM)Zane Wrote: Nice!!
thanks alot buddy!
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-12-2020
Monday 12 October - Day 8 of Cycle 2 (Day 2 of no listening)
Lastnight I went to sleep around 4am my time and woke at 7am (I had set my alarm) so that I could message the girl to have a nice trip to work as she has to drive 2.5hrs there and 2.5hrs back. I wanted her to know I cared and was thinking of her. When she finally read my message she told me twice to get some sleep as I had only had 3hrs and by then I was feeling exhausted so i took her suggestion and went to sleep.
I had set my alarm and thus I think I woke and snoozed and slept around 3 different times. I do believe that at each time there was a bad dream. I dont recall the dreams now sadly except to say that the last dream was enough to get at me so that when I woke I thought it was real and so relieved it wasnt. I think 2 or all 3 dreams were about the girl though and how things in the dream went down so im relieved they were only in my mind.
The dreams I must reiterate are only remembered when I have broken sleep. This is what I have noticed in the past even when I am not on subs and this time on this sub its the same. I dont know if that means its definately the sub or its simply just the way I am.
Stonewalling wise so far I am playing as scheduled and planned and so far I havent noticed anything that would give me any indicator, concrete indicator as to whether im stonewalling or not so I guess we just have to patiently wait and see.
Today I had to make an international bank to bank transfer/payment and I tried a website that is cheaper than using your own bank. I had planned to do this all weekend as I have a deadling of 29th and this weekend wasnt a productive weekend for me so today was the goal. Sadly the website didnt work and I began to get anxious and feel stressed. I then breathed and spoke to myself saying take it easy and relax and see another way around this. I relaxed. I was wondering if its the sub at play but I also realised that since the deadline isnt upon me then the level of stress wasnt going to be as heavy as usual and thus the anxiety was short-lived.
I then went back to plan A which was just to use my normal more expensive bank to do the transfer and there were again some hiccups and stresses however I remained calm.
The final thing I wanted to share was another fear of mine that I think I forgot to put on the initial list and only occurred to me as I read another OF journal lastnight.
This is the fear of time. A fear I know that contributes to my procrastination and my wastage of time is this fear that there is not enough time and that I am simply not going to have enough time.
I know that with me also things I need to do that are mental and congnitive from simply finding the best deals online for something as simple as a vitamin and comparing prices and brands to something more seems to take me a very long time. I dont know if this is perfectionism within me or what but the time to do the task is drawn out and i sense this is related to fear somehow but if so ive no real idea how.
Addendum: As usual I have more to add now lol
So I made a list of things I had to do today. From simple things to bigger things. I have either procrastinated on these or well I guess thats what I have done. I have so far completed 6 of the tasks and im currently in the half way stage of number 7. Im on a roll and im just getting on with things and the motivator is the girl. She was questioning me yesterday and perhaps the day before as to why it takes me so long to get things done as I was telling her whatever I got up to in my day and so today I realised its time to get on with more things and just keep going so im doing that and keeping myself busier than usual. Shes a good influence on me it seems.
Addendum2:
So ive complete 8 things from my to-do list out of a possible 9 (or 10 if you count adding kitchen paper to a shopping basket online as a task lol). thats pretty darn amazing even for me!
Im now going to take a well earned break I think and start item 9 tomorrow. After my break if I feel like it ill start 9 tonight.
Addendum 3: ok so paper added to supremarkets online shopping basket so thats 9 tasks now complete from a possible 10. lol
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Shannon - 10-13-2020
Nice to hear!
I am going to do you a favor, Jake. I will build UMOP-next when you're finished with your 8 months of OF. Now, no more worries! Just enjoy OF, and let it do it's thing.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-13-2020
(10-13-2020, 06:45 AM)Shannon Wrote: Nice to hear!
I am going to do you a favor, Jake. I will build UMOP-next when you're finished with your 8 months of OF. Now, no more worries! Just enjoy OF, and let it do it's thing.
oh wow thank you @Shannon
Thats definitely relaxed me a great deal and appreciate it thank you and hopefully by then the tech will have gone even higher
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-13-2020
Tuesday 13 October - Day 9 of Cycle 2 (Day 3 of no listening)
Today dont recall any bad dreams or anything. On the contrary seems like a normal day lol
I procrastinated or was occupied until the late evening then got into gear with my to-do list for today to get things done.
None of these things are scary in and of themselves, but I do seem to be doing easier things first or less boring ones perhaps because the 1 item I left unstarted from yesterday is still on my todays list yet to do. Its not that hard but im avoiding it I feel so im gnna get on with it after this journal update.
That being said, ive managed to complete 3.5 items today. No where near the 9 from yesterday but its been interwined with lots of phone calls today etc so its been still semi productive day so far.
Im trying to get my goals started, the healthier eating, the gym (which im double minded about due to covid as here there wearing of face masks in the gym isnt a rule but ill be wearing a mask so I hope that keeps me safe) and my physiotherapy and other goals as well as studying etc.
The girl news is nice, shes missing me I do have to ask her but she does assume its obvious and she is falling for me. She not there yet but im sure time will help. She did bring up how long term could be an issue as her dad wants her to marry from her culture/ethnicity and im not from that so im a little unsure how to cross that bridge :/
Maybe @Shannon can make a sub to help me with that?
update:
So an hour has passed and ive been getting on with the 1 thing on my to-do list that I have been procrastinating on. I started off very slow as I was replying to messages on my phone eventually they ceased and allowed me to get my focus on. Ive done a good 50% of this task if not 70% and came on to just celebrate and now back to trying to focus and complete whatever of it I can.
Update2:
25mins on since last update and that task is now completed 100% done.
Tasks always come and add up but im taking steps towards 1 of my goals at least for now.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Shannon - 10-13-2020
That sounds like progress to me.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-14-2020
(10-13-2020, 05:20 PM)Shannon Wrote: That sounds like progress to me.
haha superb thank you @Shannon
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-14-2020
Wednesday 14 October - Day 1 of Cycle 3
Today there may have been a bad dream but when I woke I wondered if it was so or simply my imagination. So cant give any data on that. The day had been pretty much the same so far.
I did wake with more motivation to get started on my to-do list but I didnt make any movement for hours and hours later as is the case at the moment.
My girl was 1 reason, she called me on the phone during her motorway/highway drive home which isnt safe and well it ended with her having a small accident. Shes ok but it was enough to shake me and confuse me etc. I didnt feel scared or anxious though as much I may have in the past or would have and not sure if thats a good thing but as im so far far away from here there is also little I can do.
I did fear what if she blamed me and left me that fear seems to be predominant in my mind for sure and ive noticed its in my head for a while now and something that I sense in my day to day dealings with her or when I imagine about her. She loves how I melt her with my words but alas she is not the same, well not via text but when we speak I am drawn to her its unreal.
My friend told me that I do seem to get attached quickly to girls and that is true so unsure if OF will work on this.
So anyway she is fine and shes been more or less txting me now as if alls well so ill see.
Beyond that I got some minor things out of the way before I ate and as usual putting off the bigger task at hand however I have so far completed 4 tasks from my to-do list so that is still good enough for me
Also something I havent shared as I didnt think it was relevant but it may be is that I have had loose stool for the past few days maybe 4days. It could be OF or simply the diet changing to water so will see and start mentioning these ailments should they continue. Today however the stool was opposite.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Shannon - 10-15-2020
Loose stool and it's reverse typically indicates that you're dealing with a deep, primal level fear associated with the part of your mind that focuses through the part(s) of the brain controlling the digestive system.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-15-2020
(10-15-2020, 07:37 AM)Shannon Wrote: Loose stool and it's reverse typically indicates that you're dealing with a deep, primal level fear associated with the part of your mind that focuses through the part(s) of the brain controlling the digestive system.
thanks Shannon and wow that sounds deep! hope its gonna smash through.
I dont know if it matters but my stool was also a colour all the way through that wasnt normal, very pale, almost close to a pale. orange
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-15-2020
Wednesday 14 October - Day 1 of Cycle 3
Continued....
I wasnt able to log on last night to add to the previous post of this day.
I found that I had both insecurity, jealousy and light annoyance (not anger) towards the girl im chatting to. When I had a shower I was able to just put things into a little perspective and the fear of losing her gave me clarity to just take a chill pill (english phrase to mean dont sweat it) and just be my happy jolly self.
However when I then spoke to her on the phone the conversation was both heavy and at times constrained as she brought up why i was in what I called a "funk" with her and so we spoke and half of me felt maybe its best to just take some time out and close contact. She accussed me of playing mind games, which i dont do and do believe I do what I am doing is both be myself which then may be too needy and other times hold back because she isnt there with me as yet perhaps not in the same stage of feelings as I am. Where am i? I dont know but its alot.
The end of the conversation was great and it ended on a positive. I realised that im not playing mind games but im afraid of both losing her and her losing any form of attraction for me based on if I am too available and just too open with how she makes me feel. Im super happy with her but is it right to tell her every detail if she isnt there yet? Im confused.
The main data to share is that I got over the jealousy and what not due to her questioning why I felt this way considering in her eyes she didnt do anthing to instigate it. Either way ive decided to take measures to get more busy and to make sure I dont focus too much on certain things for now. No idea if this is possible in the long term.
So I think that was all I had to share about this day.
My stools seem to have gone the opposite ie more constipated which is what happens at times to me after a bout of loose stool as well as me eating more bread (brown and white) so contributing to fibre perhaps.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-15-2020
Thursday 15 October - Day 2 of Cycle 3
So today I was more eager to not waste time as I had written that I must go for a walk today. I havent really done any or much walking since covid began. Maybe once a month if even that and as im over weight too my friend has for years urged me to go to the gym or walk and after a long talk with him a few nights ago it became obvious that either I get moving or ill lose the girl or die or both.
So the plan was today to put on my mask, get outside and go see the local gym which is 5-7mins walk away followed by a 20min walk.
Let me make this clear, going outside for a walk just doesnt do it for me. At times it bores me and at other times it makes me self conscious of how I look. Considering the last time I went for a walk was with this said friend and this was perhaps in september if not August then it seems like a huge jump for me to go out today.
When I walked to the gym, I didnt feel conscious much or at all. I got to the gym and spoke to a taller and well built personal trainer - the typical alpha male or jock as they say in the states. lol
He was really good though he put me at ease, there were hardly any members there exercising and no females so i felt no anxiety and he explained things and we spoke and gelled so im going to start with him soon once I have got some things done that lead to it.
I left the gym and saw 2 girls that are on my course leaving the spa. I felt insecure, they arent my friends and thus will only gossip about seeing me at the gym etc. However I then felt why should I give a fuck and walked on towards the lifts/elevators. I have no idea if they saw me and I dont care. As my friend says youre making changes to better your life that should be commended so screw them.
I left the gym and went on my 20min walk. In total it became 36mins lol. I started to stop and take pics or videos to show the girl which i did. Some I sent to her to see the rest I will send after she and I talk on the phone.
During my walk I challenged myself. I walked and flapped my arms side to side as if im mildy stretching but it was to boost my confidence and to show I dont give a damn! I walked and it was a very slow relaxed casual pace. I took pics and I enjoyed it which was nice too.
I at 1 stage took a picture of a chocolate shop and there were 2 girls sat on a table of a cafe next to it. I think they either talked about me or something because as I was preparing my shot (like a pro obviously lol) 1 did look at me so I was like "why should I care" and just continued.
I think either its the sub or its the fact that I had on a face mask that protected me from the world perhaps and it was also supper sunny which helped too im sure.
I just got off a stressful chat with my girl. Rather than it being a nice friendly chat it started well and turned a little heavy and ugly. Misunderstanding sure. She has been home all day long today and I have heard from her but not alot today and I just feel like im not her number 1 priority or on her mind as she is on mine.
I dont like feeling that way where its unbalanced affection or attraction or lust or like or love or whatever it is, its not nice and im feeling kinda shit now.
I forgot to mention that the walking was 1 task for me today, walking of 20mins, the other being to see the gym. I also managed to throw out an email I needed to send as well as throw the trash/garbage/rubbish out so ive so far managed to do 4 tasks of many scheduled today.
I woke at 11 or 12, I didnt eat anything and these 4 things done then got back and ate around 5.30pm or 6pm.
I fill shit but anyway girls seem to do that to us guys.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Shannon - 10-15-2020
The issue you have with your girl is just communication. You lose communication accuracy without being able to see or hear the person, for one, and for two, you just have to be open and honest with her. Tell her that you're afraid of certain things, and that you're afraid of those things because you care about her/the relationship, and that you really like her.
Whenever I have a misunderstanding with my girl, I'm on that like white on rice until it gets resolved. Sometimes it's not easy, but communication is the single most important factor in making any relationship succeed.
The ultimate key is... be open, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. If she's the wrong girl for you, it will end anyway, but if you have a good one for you, this will make the relationship a lot better and stronger.
RE: *Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal* - Jake2015 - 10-15-2020
(10-15-2020, 10:40 AM)Shannon Wrote: The issue you have with your girl is just communication. You lose communication accuracy without being able to see or hear the person, for one, and for two, you just have to be open and honest with her. Tell her that you're afraid of certain things, and that you're afraid of those things because you care about her/the relationship, and that you really like her.
Whenever I have a misunderstanding with my girl, I'm on that like white on rice until it gets resolved. Sometimes it's not easy, but communication is the single most important factor in making any relationship succeed.
The ultimate key is... be open, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. If she's the wrong girl for you, it will end anyway, but if you have a good one for you, this will make the relationship a lot better and stronger.
thank you very much Shannon - I really appreciate it mate!
She had to suddenly go as her family called her so no idea if she can talk today or tonight but she did say maybe we should sleep on it or something. - maybe I said it cos I said well just have a good night.
Any time I have suggested we take time out if thats what she wants and needs its clear she doesnt want it so im so confused.
I dont know what im doing I just want her to show more attention to me and more love to me and more just more to me but when i mention this she'll either say I cant show you 24/7 as if thats what im asking for which it isnt but the way she is on my mind, I just naturally think about her I dont feel im at all on her mind and that then hurts me in return.
She didnt go into work today, she never told me. All day I assumed she was at work. When we talked she then during convo said no no im not at work I didnt go work today at all, I was at home, did you think I was at work and my response was well yeah why wouldnt I and instead she threw it back at me such as well why would you think I was at work.
Thats not communicating in my world.
She had an accident yesterday and shes ok but I told her yesterday to go docs today and just get it checked it and she said its ok nothing to get checked out. Today she was at home all day and didnt go docs and told me on the call her back and neck are really sore so I pushed and pushed that go and see the docs and I said look if you care about me go will you and she threw it at me saying if I dont go it doesnt mean I dont care about you, I am my own person I can make up my own mind.
That hurt.
So when she then realised I had ate only once all day and breakfast at 6pm, she said thats not healthy and I want you to eat better, its not good for your health. I then said well im my own person and i can make up my own mind. She didnt like that I said that and she felt im playing mind games and that thats not who I am im just using her words against her but i was trying to make her realise what I felt.
She goes if I never said that would you have and I said no, if you had said to me that you really care about me and my health and it bothers you cos im yours then sure I would have got it but you didnt say that. Her response do you want me to give an essay all the time I speak to you about liking you.
I cant seem to make sense to her I feel.
When I realised that she was home all day yeah it hurt it hurt cos instead of 3 word answers in text here and there surely Id get more. I felt she was busy as if she was at hospital all day and that im just messaging a friend, theres no love no emotion in the messages.
Am i at fault I dont know.
Then there was a misunderstanding over pictures. I took pics and videos of my walk today to show her and of the gym too. She asked me why I took pics of the gym ok so i said it was for a friend. That is partially true it was for him but also for her. I just didnt say it was for her cos I dont want to come on too strong and push her away or anything.
Later in the call I said I took more pics and videos to show you and she said why you lying they arent for me they are for your friend. I didnt get it. I told her no I had taken gym for you and my friend but i had taken the rest just for you and she couldnt get passed that she felt I had lied.
I didnt lie and I dont really do lying or games.
i just dont get it.
I think ill just go and put my head down for a bit.