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I have been thinking a lot about starting a new journal. Should I or shouldn't I? Does writing about my journey dilute the effects I think I am getting from subs or not? Should I write about stuff that seems like part-time hobby psycho-therapy of my mind, knowing I have no longer the right to delete my posts and journals, even if I realize I have shared more than I am willing to share? Is posting a waste of time and an escape mechanism?

I have no decisive answers to these questions. But I am writing anyway.

So let me bring you up to speed.

I really want and need to get my life in order. And after running subliminals for 3 and a half years straight I am still not closer to leading a successful and fulfilling life than I was before. In fact, I might even argue that I am farther away from it than ever. But because there are always three sides of a coin, I might also argue that this is simply part of the process and it gets worse before it gets better. Nobody said anything about how long this journey to becoming a better me would take and realistically it will be with me for the rest of my life.

As I have never run AM before, it might hold the key to get myself to rise and shine. Well, technically I tried it before, but I bailed out not too far into the program ... so it does not count.

Running set-up is exclusively US most of the time with speakers, sometimes with headphones. About 12 hours a day.

Yesterday was the last day of Stage 1. Today starts Stage 2.

Stage 1 was a rollercoaster. The first two weeks I escaped a lot whenever I was not working my shitty job. A lot of feeling down, then feeling good for short periods. Thinking about getting things done. But not doing anything about it. A lot of lethargy. Since I have a PhD to finish in my spare time that's amounting to me not getting anywhere. It's been like this for ... months. Hell, it's been been many months. So many, that together they are years. I have been sugarcoating this with positivity so much that reality and my thinking are worlds apart.

So what do I want to get out of AM? I don't care about women, I don't care about improving my social skills. I want to get back on track and get my professional life up and running again so I can get back to having a life worth living for. I want to be able to do and not only think about doing. I want to get back to travelling the world for work and having adventures in the most remote corners of this planet.

I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I am just a lazy bum. Or maybe I have come to see life as something that is not worth the effort. Something is wrong with my wiring in that regard.

I am in need of a complete mental overhaul regarding drive and success.

I want to find out if AM can enable me again.
I feel like a lazy *ass*hol* too sometimes. I remember last time I used AM6 it did help me in that area.

You can still edit your post, if you wrote something you regret, you can still edit the post and remove everything.

Removing an entire thread is not possible anymore to prevent entire thread and other contributions being gone for ever. But you are still free to remove everything you have wrote, it will just take more time to do but it's still possible.
I cannot distract myself anymore. Everything I used to escape now seems utterly boring and I don't have the slightest desire to immerse myself in any of it.

Interestingly, that means that nothing is left and thus I go to work and when I come home I don't do anything. I am mentally unable to start anything and do nothing at all.

I picked up reading again. One hour before going to bed every day is dedicated to the great classics of science and science fiction.

That brings me to sleep. Because nothing keeps me mentally awake, I sleep a lot. I need ten hours every night and still, as soon as I come home from work I am ready sleep on the spot.

edit: I forgot. Noticeable increase of respect from guys and women are more curious about me.
After seven days I notice a slow decrease in the heavy tiredness that gripped me upon starting Stage 2.

In certain situations I now actively destroy mental frames of other people. Breaking their behavioral patterns of attempted (childish) dominance over others and me in front of everyone, harshly and eloquently demanding people to shut up if they try to use me as a verbal mirror to indulge in stupid self-deceit, etc. It happens automatically and I realize it only afterwards. Feels good, but also a bit like overstepping habitual boundaries. I'll get used to it Cool

[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTxJxXMdQWXJLsL4bLCXHp..._wIK-zttcX]

Increased respect and curiosity of others for/about me continues. I'd summarize it as 'presence'.
"Old George Orwell got it backward. Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother’s busy holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed. He's making sure your imagination withers. Until it's as useful as your appendix. He's making sure your attention is always filled. And this being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry about what's in your mind. With everyone's imagination atrophied, no one will ever be a threat to the world."
Weren't you on MLS 5.5G? What happened?
(11-03-2017 11:36 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Weren't you on MLS 5.5G? What happened?

My assumptions as to how it would impact me were wrong.
My productivity is rising. Took some getting used to again to not distract myself with something. And now I am actually making progress with my life. Small steps, every day at least one or two hours of work for myself on my thesis. That prevents me from feeling overwhelmed by it but accumulates into quite a lot being done at the end of one week.

So far I like Stage 2.
(11-04-2017 06:11 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-03-2017 11:36 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Weren't you on MLS 5.5G? What happened?

My assumptions as to how it would impact me were wrong.

Mind PMing me about it.
(11-09-2017 02:54 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-04-2017 06:11 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-03-2017 11:36 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Weren't you on MLS 5.5G? What happened?

My assumptions as to how it would impact me were wrong.

Mind PMing me about it.

That's none of your business, mate.
(11-09-2017 03:53 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-09-2017 02:54 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-04-2017 06:11 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-03-2017 11:36 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Weren't you on MLS 5.5G? What happened?

My assumptions as to how it would impact me were wrong.

Mind PMing me about it.

That's none of your business, mate.

Well I didn't knew it was something personal. I was just curious about MLS-5.5G results. Sorry for asking.
Next to working my shitty job six to seven days a week and sculpting my thesis I am suddenly immersing myself in books again.

I am currently reading multiple books simultaneously, have devoured at least three of these in the last two weeks. I even picked up a fat organic chemistry bible to get some understanding of every day stuff that surrounds me. Definitely a byproduct of Stage 2. And I love it.

@Zane: That kind of thirst for knowledge and acting upon that craving to obtain it is one of the things I thought MLS would instill in me. But it didn't.

Kudos AM!
I am having LTU moments. Pure happiness and bliss for no reason at all.

Needless to say that I am happy that 99% of the LTU script are in AM. Maybe AM might be able to replace LTU as my all-time favourite of all the subs I have used thus far. Wouldn't surprise me at all.

Cowabunga!!
I am getting more confrontational. If somebody talks down on me, if somebody tries to sneak in front of me in the check-out line in the supermarket ... I bluntly confront them and put them down. Funny how level-headed I am while I'm doing it. I don't even think about it, I simply act. The only other reaction instead of backing down on their part would be physically escalating. But that seems to be out of the question for most people, so they only mutter something and comply.

For some reason I think about the homework assignment in fight club where Tyler tells the guys to start a fight with a stranger and lose and the narrator adds "Now this is not as easy as it sounds. Most people, normal people, do just about anything to avoid a fight."
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