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Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
01-12-2018, 12:40 PM
Post: #1021
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 27:

Fighting a lot of really strong resistance today for some strange unknown reasons. Could be the rainy gloomy weather Tongue

Been feeling really low energy and sad-sacky all day today. Woke up exhausted with a terrible headache, spent the majority of the day locked up in my apartment all alone and by myself, talked to a few girls on Tinder/OKCupid but the convos have mostly dried up by now. Not really feeling much like flirting/chatting/talking to girls right now. Feeling a lot of absence of self-love and a lot of feelings of inner weakness and self-worthlessness. Questioning myself about my ability to stay dedicated to my true path and my newly found rock solid sense of self. Today is definitely something of a hiccup day amidst all of this newfound growth and progress and inner self-love and self-assuredness and self-confidence--today I just want to stay indoors all day like a sloth and fap to porn. I haven't watched porn in months (probably acutally fairly soon after I began WM) and haven't fapped in like over two weeks, but after not ejaculating on Wednesday night, I fapped before bed last night and again this afternoon before my family came back from their day trip out to the suburbs near NYC.

I don't know. I know things will get better in a couple of months for me once I move out to my own place again in Los Angeles--today's just kind of one of those days where you're working through a lot of unknown deep shit and you feel weak, emotionally drained, unmotivated, and like you wanna just eat garbage food, drink garbage drinks and indulge yourself in all of your most self-destructive behaviors. SO far today I've eaten a fuckload of ice cream and junk food, drank an entire 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke, and have jacked off twice to porn in the last 24 hours.

On the bright side, being this miserable about myself and my life right now has motivated me to get some actual work done. I've made more money today reading scripts for my job than I ever have in a single day pretty much since I started running WM, and I'm hopefully going to be able to write some of my own scripts later on tonight once I've run a few more loops. Hopeful that some of this resistance will continue to die down later on as I run through more hours of the sub and I'll find it within myself mentally and emotionally to write some new script pages for my own personal projects.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-14-2018, 03:42 PM
Post: #1022
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 29:

Facing some REALLY intense resistance at the end of stage 2 here. I just keep sinking further and further into a horrible emotional state, triggered by absolutely nothing. I'm just horribly furious and angry at everything and everyone around me right now--I hate my video games, I hate my friends, I hate my family members and even random strangers walking around enjoying their lives around me. I almost called some drunk guys in a pizza shop just now some "fat italian fucks" because they were stumbling around a tiny pizza shop brazenly and I couldn't sneak past them to the counter to place my order. I'm snapping at my mom, my sister and even my beloved innocent dog for absolutely no reason.

I'm barely able to force myself to do any work. I don't know what caused this descent, but I know I'm experiencing some really heavy resistance and that this is all just sub related. My hours of sleep have gone way way up since the resistance started--for the last 2 nights I've slept in and gotten about 14-15 hours of sleep each night, and still wake up with horrible exhaustion, disorentiation, lethargy and a throbbing headache--all signs of resistance for me. So I'm horribly depressed, tired, dizzy, headachey, and volatile and angry at absolutely nothing and everything--all obvious signs of resistance.

I just wish I could have more inner clarity as to what this resistance spell is really about. Until I can come to some sort of inner resolution or acceptance, I know I will just continue to spiral downwards, but I can't find that inner closure until I've internally identified my issues here with actively executing the sub's instructions and what exactly is mentally causing me to resist so heavily and strongly right now.

Is it loneliness? A sense of a lack of acceptance or belonging? Is it my overall lack of self worth or self love? It's truly amazing how literally just 3 or 4 days ago I was feeling on top of the world, like I was finally coming into some newly born sense of self-contentment, self-love, self-validation and self-gratitude, only for it all to come crashing down around me over a single night for literally no reason whatsoever. All of the positive and calm, accepting and executing feelings I was enjoying just two days ago have now been erased and replaced with the total inverse of all of those feelings--strong senses of worthlessness, insecurities, fear, shame, anger, hatred, self-loathing and depression. What the ****, Woman Magnet?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-14-2018, 07:48 PM
Post: #1023
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Six healing sounds of qigong

Rest at ease Chester Bennington
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Yesterday, 03:05 PM
Post: #1024
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 31:

Welp. Still feeling really emotionally drained, exhausted, lethargic and depressed. My willpower and motivation and lust for things in life is at an all time low. Despite this, I swore to myself that I wouldn't let myself stew in my negativity when times like these came. I know that I can't always control the emotions my mind creates for me, especially when they're sub and resistance related, but I do know now that I can control my actions, and take conscious decisions to not let this depressive state totally debilitate me. I've been busting my ass off these last two days, working harder on my script reading job than I possibly ever have before, and have been killing it, making a ton of money and tkaing on a TON of projects while always hitting my deadlines with plenty of time to spare.

I tried raising the volume and then the hours on my sub listening to try and push past this resistance, but if anything that seems to have only made this much, much worse. I woke up today feeling horrible morose and lifeless and emotionally dead inside, and had the worst splitting headache of my life. I ran the sub on near-max volume for 21 hours yesterday, and have decided today to reduce my hours back to my original slate of 14 hours, while listening on a volume slightly lower than my usual standard mid-range volume level. I had raised my hours to 16 about two weeks ago and noticed incredibly huge boosts to my results, seeing my self esteem, self love, self worth and self validation all rise to incredibly high states that I had truthfully never lived in before. I had sex and felt even more amazing about myself after that. In the few days that followed, I quickly tumbled downwards and have just been going through absolute hell these past few days. At first I was consumed with uncontrollable rage and anger, and now I'm just flat-lined and depressed, almost like I'm emotionally defeated and dead inside. Still pushing myself to be productive helps keep me distracted, and also gives me something to look back on at the end of each day and feel good about myself for.

Hopefully tomorrow, which is my last day on Stage 2, or the day after, which will be my first day on Stage 3, will bring better, more positive feelings and sense of self worth. For now, I'm just doing everything in my power not to lest this resistance defeat me and hold me back in all of the amazing strides of progress I have been making in my life since Stage 2 started to really take hold.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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