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Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
12-29-2017, 10:54 AM
Post: #1001
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 13:

I keep on cycling between feelings of joy love and inner positivety and sexual prowess mixed with deepset depression and hopelessness and self-loathing and worthlessness.

Despite this, I'm focused on keeping myself motivated, busy, hard-working, and trying my best to stay as positive as possible. One thing I realized that really helped was that there may be days where I feel absolutely shitty about myself, and every type of positive self-talk meant to boost me up may come off as disingenuine, making me even more depressed, but I can really focus on learning to love my life and the world/life around me despite how I feel about myself at any given point in time. Having a zest for life and for exploring/experiencing the world helps make me feel better--it makes it feel like maybe there's hope for me somewhere out there in the world, and the more I continue to put myself into it and try new things, go out for new challenges, and date/meet new women, the more likely I am to find the things I am actively searching for, and hopefully also find myself along the way.

I went out on my first date last night since that girl I was "seeing" for 2 months friendzoned me. It was a very awkward date straight from the get-go and it ended after only about an hour and a half. We had no chemistry and she looked and sounded 12 and wasn't really very intelligent either. No common interests or personalities, and we clearly weren't physically attracted to each other, either.

I'm going out on another date tonight for drinks with a second girl, so we'll see how that goes. I've also decided that I'm going to try moving back to LA in the next 2-3 months or so, because I've done everything I can here to heal and focus on my own self-growth, as well as try and get an industry job here, but while I've made immense progress (I feel) in my own mental health and growth, I haven't been able to get hired anywhere, and I feel there will be more opportunities for me both professionally and socially living on my own again on the West Coast. It's not ideal because I really don't love LA and I love NYC, but I've spent 6 months sitting on my ass living with my mom and it's time to move forwards with my life instead of continuously moping and re-visiting the past.

I really hate dating and wish that things had worked out correctly with that last girl I had chemistry with. I'm going to be totally alone on NYE this year, and on our last date that chick mentioned to me how she wanted to be by herself on NYE and be "alone and depressed". I'm thinking about shooting her a text on NYE asking if she doesn't want to be alone and depressed to see if I can convince her to invite me over--but it's a very, very, very long shot and is more likely to do more harm to me than good. So we'll see.

I've been focusing a lot on building up more mental toughness and fortitude. I realized that I have a proclivity to really get down on myself easy, ruminate about my traumatic past and feel depressed a lot, and I've realized that while yes, I do get depressed and hopeless rather easily, siting around letting myself stew in that emotional state is productive and helpful to no one. I really need to grow a thicker skin and a mental toughness, not only for my own emotional health and well being, but also for my professional life and my love life. How am I supposed to take care of a major hollywood professional's lifestyle and career, or take care of a strong, intelligent, sexually attractive fully grown woman both sexually, physically, and emotionally if I can barely take care of myself? Time to let go of a lot of my childlike longings and desires--I may desire to feel loved and accepted as the weak little timid shy boy that I am inside, but this isn't realistic or proactive. I need to focus on strengthening myself and showing myself and the world around me that I am a strong, focused, capable man, not a dreaming, fantasasizing, hopelessly romantic young boy looking for love and approval. If I make myself strong and capable, the world will give me the love and approval I'm seeking for on its own. But it's never gonna come to me if I keep on desperately chasing after it as if I need it to make me feel strong and capable. I can build myself up and make myself into a strong, capable masculine man and receive he love, affection and admiration I've always longed for by offering the world my strength and masculinity. If I have nothing to offer the world, why would the world give me the love and adoration that I seek? I have to build myself into someone strong and independent and capable so that I can offer all of those qualities to the world--and then the world will return suite with the love and admiration and validation that I've always sought.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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12-30-2017, 01:47 PM
Post: #1002
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 14:

Went out on another date last night. This girl was much cuter, and there was some decent chemistry for the first half hour or so. Then she switched the conversation to politics--a total moodkiller 99.9% of the time, and we squabbled for about 30 minutes or so before she asked for the check and left xD

Part of me feels good about myself for being strong enough to continuously putting myself out there, but it's really tough going through all these mediocre to disastrously bad first dates knowing that I had a shot with a really good girl just a few short weeks ago for whatever group of reasons, I'm going into a new year not having that in my life anymore.

I'm very disappointed but I've basically accepted the fact that I'll be spending new years alone this year, like I did for the first 23 years or so of my life. Instead of becoming emotionally saddened and depressed about it, though, I've decided I'm done allowing myself to continue feeling sorry for myself. I could thereotically go out to a nearby bar on my own just to see what happens, but either way, this is how my life is going right now, and just because I'm alone and by myself on new years doesn't mean I'm going to continue being alone and unsuccessful and by myself for the rest of my life...or even for very much longer.

The truth is that I'm slowly realizing that I actually am fairly attractive and handsome, I have a good caring personality, I'm intelligent, witty, funny, and despite my lack of experience with women and with relationships in general, I'm deeply empathetic and in-tune with the emotions of others. I have a lot to offer both as a lover and as a relationship partner, and I know I won't continue to live my life alone and unworthy of the success and love I deeply crave. More over, I've realized that I can't continue to stew in my own depression and self-worthlessness--if I want to find love, I have to be able to give back the love that I desire--and that means throwing myself into the university with as much constant positivitity, dedication, and motivation as humanly possible. The more positive energy and will I put into my life, the more positive things my life will continue to give back to me. But continuing to lament and stew on the negatives of my past, present, and potentially depressing future only feeds negative energy into the universe, and thus, I can only receive more negativity back from the world around me.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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SargeMaximus
01-02-2018, 06:36 PM
Post: #1003
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Feeling very lonely, very miserable, and very depressed. Self worth plummeted again in this feeling of deep isolation, can't do anything meaningful to change my life situation right now so it really feels like I'm just struggling very hard right now. I have no friends or acquaintances in this city and still can't get a job. I'm making plans to move back to LA with friends sometime in February but until then I'm stuck here in this frigid city with nothing to do, no one to see or connect with, and a lot of feelings of deep longing for connection and loneliness that needs to be filled. It's gotten so bad that I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating, and I'm not able to do anything at all with my days, not even clean up simple messes or empty a trash bin or something like that.

I've slept maybe about 7 hours in total these past 5 or 6 days and have eaten maybe 2 small meals. I can barely lift myself out of my chair or bed let alone take on more tasks and responsibilities to improve my life situation right now. Whatever I'm going through right now, this is some deep-level painful ass horribly emotional shit.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-02-2018, 08:22 PM
Post: #1004
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Maybe it's best if YOU stop depressing yourself. Feeling lonely, feeling so low is pointless because it won't give you the contrary. This is you have to ACT stronger. Re depressing your self because you hoped it would not be this way is only re-hurting you. It just is what it is right now. Don't feel past that axiom.

Rest at ease Chester Bennington
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kalmah0804
01-03-2018, 06:53 AM
Post: #1005
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-02-2018 08:22 PM)Darkness Wrote:  Maybe it's best if YOU stop depressing yourself. Feeling lonely, feeling so low is pointless because it won't give you the contrary. This is you have to ACT stronger. Re depressing your self because you hoped it would not be this way is only re-hurting you. It just is what it is right now. Don't feel past that axiom.

I completely wholeheartedly agree. I swore to myself a little over a week ago that I wouldn't allow myself to continue stewing in my own depression and sadness--but last night I admit I found it difficult to control myself. Today I am back and I am feeling stronger and more motivated to fight against those emotions and not let them control my thoughts, decisions, or actions.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-03-2018, 07:13 AM
Post: #1006
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-03-2018 06:53 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  
(01-02-2018 08:22 PM)Darkness Wrote:  Maybe it's best if YOU stop depressing yourself. Feeling lonely, feeling so low is pointless because it won't give you the contrary. This is you have to ACT stronger. Re depressing your self because you hoped it would not be this way is only re-hurting you. It just is what it is right now. Don't feel past that axiom.

I completely wholeheartedly agree. I swore to myself a little over a week ago that I wouldn't allow myself to continue stewing in my own depression and sadness--but last night I admit I found it difficult to control myself. Today I am back and I am feeling stronger and more motivated to fight against those emotions and not let them control my thoughts, decisions, or actions.

It isn't so much as "fighting" against those feelings.

Whether you realise it or not, you're subconsciously doing behaviours which support your current state. That could include; comparing yourself to others, looking back on your past with regret etc etc

You need to knock out the pillars supporting it (i.e the behaviours you're doing which support the "depression"). Only then will you be free of it.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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kalmah0804
01-03-2018, 09:38 AM
Post: #1007
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
I'll add this in for you Kalmah;

Your neurology is in the present moment. If you're depressed it's because you're doing depression. Do it long enough and you'll change the chemical balance of your brain. So stop doing depression.

And if that isn't enough of a kick, have a look at EEG's of brains with chronic depression. Everything shuts down. Brain function basically atrophies. In laymen's terms, you're turning yourself into a potato.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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rayrocanaldo
01-03-2018, 10:14 AM
Post: #1008
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-03-2018 09:38 AM)Determined Wrote:  I'll add this in for you Kalmah;

Your neurology is in the present moment. If you're depressed it's because you're doing depression. Do it long enough and you'll change the chemical balance of your brain. So stop doing depression.

And if that isn't enough of a kick, have a look at EEG's of brains with chronic depression. Everything shuts down. Brain function basically atrophies. In laymen's terms, you're turning yourself into a potato.

Yeah, thanks man. I realize that on some sub-conscious level, I'm doing this to myself. The more I allow mself to give into thoughts and feelings of depression, the worse off I'm going to become and the more difficult I will find it to get myself out of that depressive state. I think a lot of is definitely sub-related--I'm so cyclical, every 4-5 days I go from being calm, confident cocky or euphoric to drained, lifeless, depressive, hopeless and more. I need to take more conscious actions to try and recognize when I'm going on a downwards spiral and to stop myself from allowing these negative feelings to develop and to fester.

I just don't ever really know what behaviors or thought patterns are the ones that are triggering these downwards spirals. Sometimes it's because I didn't get as much work done as I would have liked, sometimes it's because a planned/desired social interaction (such as a job interview or a date) didn't go as well as I would have liked, and other times it's just a myriad of a bunch of little things just slowly weighing me down until I fold in on myself. I need to make a vow to myself to demonstrate more mental toughness--when the world is bringing me down, I need to take on actions and create conscious thought patterns to get myself out of that funk--if I work hard and focus on doing actual activities and practices that can make me feel like I have more control/promise/benefits in my life, maybe I won't allow myself to stew in my own depression and become a potato, like you mentioned.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-04-2018, 08:30 AM
Post: #1009
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 19:

Bumped up my hours yesterday from 14 to 16, woke up this morning feeling a million times better. Realizing more and more now that I am my own keeper, my own protector, and that it's my job, my responsibility to keep my own spirits and emotions uplifted and high--that I can't accept dwelling on negative memories or experiences or faults or worriesome thoughts or anything like that--that I need to spread as much love and joy and gratitude and appreciation for life into the world around me as much as humanly possible. I don't need to beat myself up if there are some days where I'm not a cute little cucumber, but I need to do a better job taking care of myself--with my Dad gone, and me basically being a full-fledged adult, I need to start taking care of myself in all facets of my life. That doesn't just include taking care of my hygiene, getting my annual flu shot, and making sure my rent is paid--it also includes taking care of my own mental health, and this means being more vigilant in protecting myself from negative emotions and energies, whether they come from myself and my own thoughts or from other people around me--I have to do a better job at identifying these negative elements in my life and removing myself from their influences as much as possible.

So today I'm feeling refreshed and almost reborn in a sense. I know that I haven't yet come close to living the life I've always wanted, and I may not be realistically close to capable of living that life yet at this current point in my life, but there's always hope for the future, and as long as I am leaping into the world and into life's tests and adventures with positivity, strength, gratitude and joy, I can succeed and am capable of taking on any challenge that comes my way.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-04-2018, 05:12 PM
Post: #1010
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Hey Kalmah, just wanted to drop by and let you know what's been working for me lately. It's not a magic bullet, but I feel like it's a lot easier than trying to figure out these negative thought patterns and work at them. I find that I'm often already high strung mentally and actually have to do less thinking not more. So basically what it amounts to is just mindfulness. Observing the thoughts and feelings you have but not engaging them. The goal isn't to think more positively or figure out the source of the thoughts, it's just to watch them and understand they come and go. They are as trivial as any other 1000s of thoughts you have a day. It's just the excess importance we tie to these negative thoughts that holds us back the most.

I see a lot of ups and downs in your posts which I relate to. I've discovered that my up times are mostly sheer force of will to be positive and this runs out. When it does the negative comes crashing back in hard and what's even worse is I get consumed by that negative because my willpower to fight it is depleted. It's so important to have a mindset that allows you to brush off these negative things without investing a tremendous amount of energy into trying to be positive or fight off the negative. This is because like I said, willpower is finite and when it fades there needs to be something to catch you before you plummet.

To add to that. When we try or exert excess effort, it's basically the equivalent of us saying that we don't believe what we are trying to accomplish. The definition of try "an effort to accomplish something; an attempt." We've already made up in our minds something might not work or come to fruition. What we have to do is decide, because life is all about choice. Deciding to be positive is like accepting it as a truth, you embody it effortlessly. Just as one can decide to be negative and effortlessly embody that. Another way to look at it. Do you try hard to be negative, self-critical, and self defeating? Most likely not. Which means attaining the opposite involves the same principles of the mind, just a different goal.

Just some food for thought. I know you're trying your hardest and some days it's hard to keep afloat. I'm not saying it's easy to internalize this type of mindset, but I believe it's the key to happiness. Once it really clicks that we ultimately choose how we feel and what we believe. Sometimes we are too afraid to accept that responsibility and hide behind stuff. But it's always there, we just have to be aware of it.

INFP
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kalmah0804
01-07-2018, 08:45 AM
Post: #1011
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 22:

So a lot has changed, as per usual, since my last update. For starters, for the past 3 days or so I've been sick with a horrible case of the flu. In fact, my whole family has been sick with the flu, so it's been a difficult time. That being said, today especially, I've jsut been feeling really good about myself, my life, and where everything is headed.

I just have this overall really assured belief deep in my gut that everything will work ou okay. I know that I may not always feel great about myself or my life, but I know deep down that I am a loving, lovable, deeply handsome, deeply sexual, deeply confident, intelligent, talented and capable individual who has a lot to offer the world professionally, romantically, sexually, and socially. I just feel very content with the way my life has turned out so far. I'm very much at peace with myself and my current status right now. I may not be living the rock star life I always thought I would be by age 26, but life is funny and can take many surprising and interesting turns. Knowing just how much adversity I've already had to battle throughout my life and knowing that I'm still here, still working towards my goal, every day inching a little bit closer than I was before, even if I may not know it, even if it may not always feel like it, I know deep down that I am inch by inch, day by day, moving ever closer to my life's purpose and mission, and that I everything will turn out okay for me in the end, regardless of how it turns out--I know I will be happy.

I have also been feeling strong positive sensations of love and joy--which is something I had never been able to feel before. I know it may sound cheesy or cliche or even a bit crazy, but when my Dad died, it was like a part of me had a switch flipped off in my brain, and all of a sudden, everything in the world and everything in my life was just pure negative energy. All I could feel was sadness and anxiety and fear and rage. One by one I lost all of my friends, feeling distant and closed off from them. I began going out of touch with my family, even began feeling closed off and unloved by my own mother, who I know deep down loves me so much and has sacrificed so much for me. I couldn't stop dwelling on my own painful, traumatic suffering that I had endured throughout my life, and how everything in the world was so shitty because my life had been forever ruined by my past experiences, and especially by the shitty people who had been in my past.

I don't think I feel that way any longer. Sure, I may still hold some leftover grudges and resentments towards certain teachers and bullies from my past, but I don't feel like I even want to continue dwelling on my past. I have been experiencing frequent vivid physical flashbacks to my younger life, back when I was happier and could feel more love. I have been remembering loving, tender, close-knit moments with certain friends, my mother, my father, and other members of my family. Re-kindling these key moments of pure tender love and companionship has really in a sense opened a floodgate within my own heart. I just feel like there is so much tender, precious, radiant light and joy and love flooding out of my own heart at almost all possible moments.

The other side to this, however, is that occasionally instead of feeling overwhelming light and love, I feel very aggressively cocky and even arrogant or angry. I am quick to provoke people around me into arguments by saying things I know might upset them or make them feel bad. This being said, I feel like this is actually somehow WM working to extend bits of the AM training within me. I am only aggressive towards specific people in my life with whom I have noticeably toxic relatonships with. Certain friends and family members who tend to realy make me feel miserable about myself and tend to belittle me and treat me like garbage while also asking me to treat them with respect, compassion and sympathy often are receiving the blunt end of my wrath. A part of me wishes I could control that side of me a bit better, but another part of me feels indignant--I have suffered and put up with their dismissive, snide, rude and insulting commentary and treatment while turning around and being kind, supportive, and caring to them for far too long. If you want to be a part of my life, and you want to receive my radiant joy and light and love, you have to be able to reciprocate.

Work is going reasonably well despite my occaisonal mood turbulence and my sickness. I've been applying to LA jobs like crazy since it's looking more and more like I'll be moving back there within the next 1-2 months or so. I'm very much looking forward to living on my own again and trying to jumpstart my career again.

I sent out an email a few days ago to my former boss, a major literary manager who always used to really like me, but I haven't heard back from him now in a few days. The last time I reached out to him, he was kind of curt and sort of blew me off actually, and I had been hesitant to email him again. I emailed him letting him know I saw the new trailer for one of the movies he was acting as a major producer on, and just casually wished him well for the holiday season. I haven't heard back from him now in 4 days. Old me would have been obsessively freaking out, having panic attacks, and spiralling into a deep tumultous depression over this feeling of helplessness--how am I supposed to get a hollywood job if the biggest contact in my arsenal is no longer willing to bat for me?

New me is calm, relaxed, patient and maybe even a little bit confident. I know that everything will work out okay and that I am fully capable of getting a Hollywood job all on my own, that I have plenty of other contacts and plenty of other options, that I am smart, experienced, and good at doing this kind of work. I'm a valuable commodity, and I'll get myself an opportunity with or without his help. I trust in myself, in my innate abilities and in the ability for everything in my life to work out okay for me in the long run.

Since starting stage 2, I thought I'd point out that my interactions with women have basically dropped to zero. On stage 1, there was a horrible amount of resistance and turbulent emotional states, with lots of panic and anxiety attacks, fearful living, nightmares, deep emotional depressive states that were almost impossible to get out of, and a fuckload of self-sabotage. On this stage, I seem to be really starting to smooth and even myself out, becoming more self assured both in myself and towards my life in general, but on stage 1, I was receiving a lot of eye flirting and other IOIs from women as I passed by them on the subway and such--on Stage 2, women have almost been avoiding me like the plague, refusing to sit near me on the subway, immediately avoiding eye contact with me if I ever establish it, as if they sense that i am some kind of danger to them. It feels like they might think I am coming across as sort of aggressive or even creepy, although I know that those are just old self-sabotaging thoughts that the subs are trying to remove from me altogether. I don't feel that I am creepy anymore, and don't think I come across as creepy--I think I'm a very handsome, sexually attractive man with a lot to offer, both as a sexual lover and as a romantic companion, despite my overall lack of experience, and I know it's just a matter of right time, right place for things to start clicking for me.

I just thought I'd point out that Stage 2 of this sub for me has been very lacking in the ladies department, with a HUGE HUGE HUGE stress on positive self growth and reinforcement. Stage 1 had a bit of female attraction for me in it, and a FUCKLOAD of horrible resistance, trauamtic thoughts and memories being resurfaced and relived, a lot of depression, tears, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, unease, aggression, et cetera. Stage 2 has seemed to really begin to vault my levels of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-assuredness in almost all areas of my life to totally new heights, while also clearing and healing past deeply buried emotional traumas and harmful beliefs about myself and the world around me, while also serving to extend a lot of the training from the original Alpha Male set.

Excited for these final 10 days of Stage 2--hoping they continue to build me up, because right now, this feeling of light love and joy is absolutely positively amazing, and I only want it to become more solidified and permanent in my life. Also getting really excited for Stage 3 and very hopeful that it will start to draw high quality single women to me in my life.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-08-2018, 02:08 AM (This post was last modified: 01-08-2018 02:08 AM by Alpha360.)
Post: #1012
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
I have the flu too, but thanks to pepper mint oil I barely feel sick.

The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.
Only the madman is absolutely sure. Robert Anton Wilson
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kalmah0804
01-08-2018, 04:22 AM
Post: #1013
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-08-2018 02:08 AM)Alpha360 Wrote:  I have the flu too, but thanks to pepper mint oil I barely feel sick.

Yeah, we've all got our own little tricks and tips for getting over a pesky flu. My fever's basically gone at this point, all I'm left with is a fairly nasty bit of chest/nasal congestion and a fairly sore throat with some coughing. Nothing too bad, itt'l go away on its own in a few more days.

In other news, something potentially devastating happened to me yesterday. My lovable dog, who is honestly one of the most important things in the world to me, is deathly sick and is in the ER on life support. He has a horrible lethal infection in his stomach and is on a lot of life-saving drugs right now. He's been a healthy, perky, happy puppy his whole life, even though he recently just turned 7, but practically overnight he became horribly ill and we decided to get him checked out. I'm really glad we did because looking up the disease, the first 24 hours are crucial and if symptoms aren't recognized and treated immediately, the chances of organ failure and death go up drastically.

I love my dog more than anything in my life right now. That may sound kind of silly or childish, but he was there for me more than my own family, that is to say, my mother and my sister, were there for me when my Dad died, or when I've been going through all of these horrible depressive issues for the past 6 months of my life as well. I don't really feel like I have very many positive connections in my life anymore, but my dog is one of them, and he is a very strong source of positivity, love, joy, and a love for life. If I lose him, it would be a truly devastating blow, considering how much I've already lost and suffered through, and especially considering the fact that I was literally just getting to a point in my life where I was feeling open to hopefulness, joy, love, positivity, and feeling a strong sense of renewed stability and self-trust. To lose him would be like losing my rock, and I honestly have no idea how I'll be able to keep myself calm and stable without him in my life right now. So I'm definitely really worried. We're about to go visit him at the vet's office today in a little less than an hour. It will be good to see him again after sleeping without him in the house for the first time in almost 7 years. I am hopeful that when we see him they say he's healthy again and can be discharged home with us, but I have a bad feeling they are going to want to keep him overnight for another 24 hours.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-11-2018, 05:23 AM
Post: #1014
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Woman Magnet 2.0: Stage 2, Day 26:

Well that didn't take very long. Last night, I went out on a last-minute date with a girl I matched with on tinder. I met her by her office in Brooklyn for a drink and it turned into 5 more drinks and over an hour of sex at her place afterwards.

I knew this girl was a bit on the heavier side because in her tinder photos she was slightly overweight, but in person she was actually really, really heavyset. I don't want to sound crude or even sexist, but obesity is really the only thing that turns me off sexually in a woman. Still, I decided to continue on with the date--doing everything I could to seduce her and try and get the lay. It has been over 6 months since the last (and first) time I had sex--I felt like I should at least see if I can get it again.

It didn't take very long. About 2 drinks in she was rubbing her hand on my leg and playing with my hair (I have very long hair). By the end of drink 4 she was already inviting me back to her place. By drink 6, we were at her office, and I had her pushed over her work desk and was making out with her and had her shirt and bra pulled down and was going to work on her breasts (sorry if this is TMI and is breaking any rules, lol).

By the end of the night, we had sex at her place for over an hour. The only shitty thing was that by the time we uber'd all the way back to her place, the alcohol had mostly left my system, and I felt horribly depressed, tired, and also really sick and dehydrated. When we started, I felt myself about to ejaculate within the first 5 minutes, but she told me "Don't cum yet baby!" so I channeled my focus and tried to last as long as possible. About an hour later and several loud orgasms later, she started begging for me to finish--only by this time, I was so not drunk anymore, so sick, so tired, and so dehydrated, I could barely open my mouth to speak. She gave me a BJ for a few minutes--it was the sexiest thing I've ever had happen to me--definitely an unbelievably good BJ--but I was so ***** done by that point. I just couldn't finish. It was definitely a little embarassing, and hard for me, because this happened the last time I had sex too (although that time I did finish in the first 10 minutes, but then lasted another 2 hours and couldn't finish due to alcohol sickness and dehydration yet again). I know I'm not gay, because the subs wouldn't be affecting me like this (I'm also not attracted to dudes) but a small part of me feels ashamed now that in literally all of my sexual experiences, I have been unable to cum after a certain point. I'm not sure if that's an emotional issue or simply just from a lack of overall physical and emotional attraction/chemistry to the girls I have slept or hooked up with--but still, the OLD me would have focused ONLY on that one negative event and harped on it over and over and over again nonstop all fuckin day to the point where he became horribly broken up about it--but the NEW me is choosing to just focus on all of the a million positives. Even thoguh tis girl was overweight she was still fairly attractive. She's very accomplished in her chosen field (which is a very competitive one) and she could have a lot of guys. She was insanely attracted to me, I made her cum at least twice and she gave me an exceptionally sexy [Sexually graphic comment - unsuitable language. Moderators take note], which is something I have never experienced in my life. It was a HUGE confidence booster knowing I can do that to another girl and not have it be some really desperate girl looking to get laid, and knowing how easy it was to make this girl start touching me and groping me and being unable to keep her hands off of me was pretty crazy.

Overall, an amazing night that sadly ended on a slightly sour note--but hey, I'm not really complaining! It was a great time, a huge confidence booster for me, and anytime you get laid, even if the result is a bit embarassing at the end, you shouldn't be complaining, right?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-11-2018, 08:56 AM (This post was last modified: 01-11-2018 08:57 AM by Alpha360.)
Post: #1015
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
I noticed 2 thing when having sex, the point of no return and the point can't finish anymore.
At first the problem is that if you push too fast, you ejaculate too earlier, and it doesn't feel good at all when you do that.

And when it's taking too long, past ~30 min for me, I feel less and less to the point it gets harder and harder to have a good end, if any come out.

I think it's totally normal though. Most people probably have some limit (some pretend to have none), but they probably don't say anything about it or take drugs to get better results, or use subliminal to last longer Lol

The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.
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kalmah0804, Darkness
01-11-2018, 09:24 AM
Post: #1016
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-11-2018 08:56 AM)Alpha360 Wrote:  I noticed 2 thing when having sex, the point of no return and the point can't finish anymore.
At first the problem is that if you push too fast, you ejaculate too earlier, and it doesn't feel good at all when you do that.

And when it's taking too long, past ~30 min for me, I feel less and less to the point it gets harder and harder to have a good end, if any come out.

I think it's totally normal though. Most people probably have some limit (some pretend to have none), but they probably don't say anything about it or take drugs to get better results, or use subliminal to last longer Lol

Thanks for that. To be honest, as the day has been going on, I've become increasingly more bent up about my lack of 'results' from last night. Not being able to finish has been a very common theme amongst all of my life's sexual experiences, and it really disappoints me and worries me that something could be really seriously wrong with me.

I almost came directly in her within the first 5 minutes, I was so ready and turned on, but she looked at me and begged "don't come yet baby" so I took a deep breath and slowed down. Then after like 30 minutes or whatever when she was begging me to finish I was just so brutally exhausted, dehydrated, and to be honest, distracted--my mind had already gone elsewhere and I was rapidly losing my ability to stay focused within the moment and receive pleasure or stimulation. I feel really bent up about having yet another sexual experience where yet again at some point I wasn't able to come, but I also think that maybe I am just getting to know my true sexual self, figure out what I like, what I don't like, and what gets me going. The more experience I have, the quicker I'll figure out what does turn me on enough to receive a lot of pleasure as well as give maximum pleasure to my partner. For now, it's just about having more experiences, enjoying living in the moment, and really genuinely appreciating getting to have each experience, recalling both the overwhelming positives and (perhaps) the subtle negatives, until I've gained more experience and truly know what does turn me on enough to finish me off, so to speak. It's all good experience, positive and confidence building when viewed through the right lights. It's just a really shameful and negative one when viewed through that singular negative lens... it doesn't really have to be that way. It can be all positive and playing down the subtle negative at the end, or just a balance of both and an accepting and understanding that not all experiences in bed are going to be overwhelmingly positive, especially when I am so new to all of this and really just figuring out what I like, what I don't like, and so on and so forth.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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Darkness
01-11-2018, 03:15 PM
Post: #1017
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
Quote:I knew this girl was a bit on the heavier side because in her tinder photos she was slightly overweight, but in person she was actually really, really heavyset. I don't want to sound crude or even sexist, but obesity is really the only thing that turns me off sexually in a woman.

Nothing 'sexist' or crude about stating the truth. Girls go on about honesty and 'what you see is what you get' then stuff like this happens. If they have angled photos and don't show their whole body it's safe to say they are fat, sometimes hugely fat. I've seen some bad ones I never expected.
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Mr. Anderson
01-11-2018, 03:48 PM
Post: #1018
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-11-2018 03:15 PM)Benjamin Wrote:  
Quote:I knew this girl was a bit on the heavier side because in her tinder photos she was slightly overweight, but in person she was actually really, really heavyset. I don't want to sound crude or even sexist, but obesity is really the only thing that turns me off sexually in a woman.

Nothing 'sexist' or crude about stating the truth. Girls go on about honesty and 'what you see is what you get' then stuff like this happens. If they have angled photos and don't show their whole body it's safe to say they are fat, sometimes hugely fat. I've seen some bad ones I never expected.

I mean she showed her body in her photos and she looked slightly chubby but in person she was clearly twice as large. I was okay with the level of chubbiness she displayed in her photos but when I saw her in person I almost had to do a double-take, I was taken aback by how much fatter she was in reality. It was definitely a huge turn off for me and I kinda only went through with it because I wanted to see if I could get it done and get my second ever lay. She was definitely much better than my first girl, although I'm still a little disappointed that the result was just as embarassing and awkward as the first (acutally possibly more embarassing since with the first girl I did cum once and then just couldn't cum a second time). Still, you learn your limits and how to control yourself and get better at sex with each experience, and this was an overwhelmingly positive sexual experience for me, albeit not the golden standard perfect one I've been looking for. I think sex with a skinny girl who I'm more sexually and emotionally attracted to will definitely be supremely fulfilling for me in the way that I've always wanted, but for now, I won't turn down overtly-obvious offers from girls who, despite their weight, are still at least somewhat attractive.

Also, I definitely don't look exactly like my tinder photos, but for me it's actually kinda the opposite Wink

I was a little bit fat and very much baby-faced and my hair was at an awkward length in my tinder photos, and now I have a skinny, trim body with clear-defined shoulders, a much stronger, taller and more confident posture, whiter teeth, better looking hair and a masculine beard that is just now starting to really fully grow in. Kinda funny how that works Tongue

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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01-11-2018, 06:38 PM (This post was last modified: 01-11-2018 06:39 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #1019
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
They are really good at making their photos look good, i've had a few shocks like that myself.

Where I have no idea and my photos probably aren't that good. I usually have pretty recent photos though.

Anyway, good result in general. It should get better with more experience. It is better with a skinny girl because then you can manhandle them, pick them up and stuff, bigger girls you can't.
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kalmah0804, Darkness
01-11-2018, 06:59 PM
Post: #1020
RE: Strange Gateways Beckon - Kalmah's Journey Into Greatness (WM2.0)
(01-11-2018 06:38 PM)Benjamin Wrote:  They are really good at making their photos look good, i've had a few shocks like that myself.

Where I have no idea and my photos probably aren't that good. I usually have pretty recent photos though.

Anyway, good result in general. It should get better with more experience. It is better with a skinny girl because then you can manhandle them, pick them up and stuff, bigger girls you can't.

Yeah, that's what I'm really hoping for. Also I like to be a bit more submissive too, would love to have the girl on top, but with a whale that's a very tough position to be in Tongue

I'm super psyched for Stages 3 and beyond. My tinder and OKCupid have literally EXPLODED today. Ever since I had sex I've had 27 matches on OKCupid, 12 matches on Tinder, I have about 8 different messaging chains going on with girls of all shapes and sizes. If I'm starting to execute this much at the end of stage 2, I can't even ***** imagine how good life is gonna feel in Stages 3 and above!!

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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