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Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences
01-14-2018, 04:55 AM (This post was last modified: 01-14-2018 12:56 PM by findingme.)
Post: #1
Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences
I picked up SE 5.5 six days ago, having run UD for over 3 months. SE was and is a new experience for me.

I'd been reading Shannon's journal daily prior to this, someone asked if SE would be in DMSI, and the conversation had me be honest with myself. I haven't had much self esteem, shown by lifestyle choices I've had for years. So, I picked it up, excited and scared--both really.

I had some fears which surfaced the first 2 days or so, and I read others have them too. I kept reading Shannon's journal, and he pointed something out which I'm hanging on to. How can I expect something new, something unknown, or something that even scares me (secretly) to actually work if I'm always paying attention to it and messing with it? He spoke of set it and forget it, something not completely possible due to 6 loop limits. Still, I'm running the US version right now, having run hybrid the previous 4 days. Trust the process--words for myself.

Most of my reason for writing now is seeking answers to questions. For example, on day 2 our work truck stopped for lunch at a gas station. I walked up to the door, an attractive woman was walking out, she held the door for me--and we locked eyes. My habit is normally to look down to kill the tension, but we kept eye contact. We both smiled, and I said something to have her smile more. We kept going our separate ways, but I never do this. Never. What's in SE? I noticed my sexual desires waking up some that day. Is this why people jump on DMSI? It truly got my attention. I could use a little more of that.

I looked for other memorable moments like that with women, but none so dramatic. I am having a few more real, honest moments with male coworkers, when moments arrive. It feels good when it happens. I worked with one guy this week who is very encouraging. I felt like I had something to offer, whereas I've very often felt inferior to vocal, articulate men with charisma. I really enjoyed work this week though. SE is doing something positive in me.

I did ask Shannon weeks back if SE did any clearing like UD did. He said yes, but the focus is on its goal, not clearing.

With that said, I know MLS will make you pull away from people who are negative or who heavily detract from its goal. I know one MLS user who has experienced such effects. Now........ my mom has called 2ce in the last few days. I keep.......ignoring her. I haven't listened to her voicemail yet, for it's guilt-ridden, for me. She is an active dawn-to-dusk alcoholic, hides in her house, and my hesitation is that she needs me to feed her emotionally when I'm over, like it's my job to make her feel good about herself. (It's draining, actually). I've done the same, most often seen at work with males throughout the years. I just have no drive, no pervasive guilt, to go see my mom or call her. I'm still feeling this out, making no changes. I'm wondering if SE is doing this to me, for it's very real and very subtle.

Powerful changes these are, when I think on them.

I'll share one more thing, linking to the last thing I wrote. I've expected and been disappointed by males numerous times over the years, me needing and expecting them to validate me, encourage me, make me feel "good enough", and it never lasts. In fact, the fear of rejection has kept me off this board many times; other forums too. I could be an emotional vacuum. I'm not wanting or needing to be in that loop here on this board. This is very new for me. I have this entire book of stories in the negative in my head, and I've spilled them to receive attention or validate myself. I've never done the opposite much. But I am doing it now, even imaging something good in the future, where possibilities lie.

SE is having me feel good, really. I'm allowing it presently, listening to SE.
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01-14-2018, 12:31 PM (This post was last modified: 01-14-2018 12:45 PM by findingme.)
Post: #2
RE: Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences
I experienced something early on with Universal Detox (UD), and I'm feeling it now with SE.

It's an awareness of my own habitual, fear-driven, and survival minded BS. I'll lie in a heartbeat to look good in front of others. I've not been social in the last 24 hours (after getting off work yesterday), but I'm seriously questioning my honesty now. I became aware of it in my first post here, since "looking good" was (maybe still is) an old known survival feel-good tool.

It bothers me. Most of my (imagined) interactions are based off old tools. I don't like me when I lie, lie, lie. This must be a clearing stage.

TBH, I'm a little insecure sharing since my old MO was seeking attention when I had problems.

I'm not up. I'm not down.......well, I feel a little sad. However, I know letting go, or grieving, is a good thing. Yet a little fear surfaces since this is "new".

Not major problems, just part of the journey.

Thanks to Greenduck for saying "think less, feel more" in a post of his. I need more of that.
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01-14-2018, 03:07 PM
Post: #3
RE: Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences
My mom called, and I picked it up. I felt like hiding, so my voice was low initially. I hid behind the excuse of working 6 days this week, yet I was simultaneously hoping I could come out of my preset "I don't want to be honest with you" mode.

I relaxed, forcing nothing on myself, aware I could lie, but I didn't want to. It was a pleasant enough conversation for me, though my one sharing of why I'd not called.........was not me being emotionally honest. I totally dodged the elephant in the room, saying I'd began being aware of old feelings and held off from calling back since it was all my stuff, not hers. So, maybe I was being dishonest with her to not stress her. It didn't and doesn't sit well with me. I felt and acted like a little boy afraid of being punished.

What I'm saying is that lying/hiding/dodging the truth does not build my self esteem. I lied to myself to cope with her possible (imagined) disappointment, and I deserve better treatment--from myself.

Did I just write that?
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01-15-2018, 04:17 PM
Post: #4
RE: Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences
I need to share something.

I had a pleasant day with my coworker. I'd been a bit befuddled mentally in the morning (listened too long yesterday), yet. Yet. My coworker, here and there, began opening himself up to me about life experiences, his feelings around certain coworkers, and beliefs on certain topics. Nothing major, but since he's like 3 steps down from the head boss, he's a recent Army combat veteran (over 3 tours), and he doesn't make friends easily, I realized he was attempting a friendship with me. He wanted to be an equal. He wanted to feel safe being himself. He was trusting me.

Well, about 10 minutes before we got back to our shop, he began talking about some coworkers he didn't trust, and why. While he was talking, I realized that I can be exactly like some of those men--giving myself away for wrong reasons, only to receive some attention (attention was love to me growing up).

I considered opening up with this very truth.............but didn't. I almost got honest with him. I almost did. I almost trusted him, in my actions.

So, what I realized is: I'd sat listening, and when he got honest, I checked my own honesty. I realized I lie to myself first, as if it's a game and I'm hiding--from me. There's no pride sharing that. It's my "scared to share/scared to know/hidden all the time" truth.

Shit. That's it.

I began crying just now, just a little.

How do I not abandon myself so much?
How do I love myself?
How can I heal the wounded part of myself? (I own E2 and UD)

Being real here--well, I had to squelch fear to write this. I had a big cup of coffee to do this, and it's almost 7PM. (head-smack)

P.S. I have been listening to SE on hybrid as I write. Last night, I read Shannon's description of PTPA 5.5 .......and it sounded like me. I owned that description. (E2 has PTPA..........)

I'm unsure how to handle this, having no clear "do this, do that" instructions. My head is trying to be louder than my heart. Going to post this now.
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