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My healing journey - Wim hof, Trauma Releasing exercises, Meditation & Running
12-15-2017, 12:20 PM
Post: #101
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I have definitely reached some kind of threshold in my overall well-being that is currently being surpassed. I feel OK, very close to being emotionally healed at a basic level which is a huge achievement. Things are starting to get back to normal and I don't feel so uneasy all the time. I'm getting back to my old self. Woho!

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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12-16-2017, 10:50 AM
Post: #102
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I hate the f*cking guts of my mother, her tone of voice her steps in the stairs, f*cking everything about her. She is a so damn demanding and irritating person that I can't believe my dad ever married her. Seriously, f*ck her bigtime. It's a damn torture just to be around her, a real energy vampire just trying to satisfy her own needs all the time. Ught, I could puke.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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12-18-2017, 02:54 PM
Post: #103
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I have been ranting a lot lately, because I have felt like shit. But I'm starting to get out of it and feel somewhat normal again.

I don't recognize my parents and our relationship. Things feels off. I don't know if I have messed anything up during my low periods, but it sure feels that way and that I have messed something up to a irreversible state. I really hope I am wrong on this one.

Things feels..off. Better for every day but I just feel out of it, not really myself.

Anyone who have recovered from depression who can relate to this roller-coster? Would mean much to hear some comforting words from someone out there who have gone through hell and came back...

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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12-18-2017, 04:20 PM
Post: #104
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
Before AM I had a bad relationship with my mother often. Things greatly improved on AM6 and beyond.

I had several depressive times before subs, sometimes on them over time. I wish I could give something to you "to do". But really, it just took time to resolve things internally and then stabilise.

Maybe it's important to remember you are listening to a sub designed specifically FOR internal growth, clearing and healing as a direct focus, and no limited scope at all. So the potential for this kind of feeling over time while massive C&H rages on, and resistance fights against it, is very likely. So maybe understand it's all a process and to be expected. And realise you will go through bouts of feeling crappy while this is tug 'o war is taking place. Try not to get too emotionally invested in that due to it just being a temporary state and not some "problem" with you. That's what helped me get through these times, the realisation WHY it's occurring (heavy C&H mixed with push back resistance causing these feelings), and just being patient and realising it's a temporary condition.

Hope that helps, Greenduck!
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Greenduck
12-20-2017, 04:14 AM (This post was last modified: 12-20-2017 04:17 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #105
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
(12-18-2017 04:20 PM)CatMan Wrote:  Before AM I had a bad relationship with my mother often. Things greatly improved on AM6 and beyond.

I had several depressive times before subs, sometimes on them over time. I wish I could give something to you "to do". But really, it just took time to resolve things internally and then stabilise.

Maybe it's important to remember you are listening to a sub designed specifically FOR internal growth, clearing and healing as a direct focus, and no limited scope at all. So the potential for this kind of feeling over time while massive C&H rages on, and resistance fights against it, is very likely. So maybe understand it's all a process and to be expected. And realise you will go through bouts of feeling crappy while this is tug 'o war is taking place. Try not to get too emotionally invested in that due to it just being a temporary state and not some "problem" with you. That's what helped me get through these times, the realisation WHY it's occurring (heavy C&H mixed with push back resistance causing these feelings), and just being patient and realising it's a temporary condition.

Hope that helps, Greenduck!

Thanks for sharing with me CatMan. I know what you are saying, but I have a pretty easy time to have relationships with other people, but not my mom. So I guess that how much I even grow internally, things are going to stay strained with her as some (much) of the problem is within her. I can't change her, only she can. I am starting to learn how to be around her to not get myself hurt, but it's draining to live with someone who you have a weird relationship with. I have a hard time to define what really is the problem, more than that she most often is irritated whatever I say, so I stop talking to her. I don't have any energy to waste toward trying to repair a relationship with someone who is constantly nagging and irritated. Before she has done work on become a easier person to be with, I don't know what I can do on the matter. I have my hands full of my own life and trying to stay afloat and getting out of my depression.

Yeah I get what you are saying regarding seeing that "you" are the problem, as some people tend to explain any problem in the world, by the problem being other people. My mother is constantly complaining on how my dad and I act, and I have totally lost respect for her ability to judge a persons character, as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong. Lesson learned. I did not see that before, but bought into the explanation that something is wrong with me, and I think that I am actually starting to break out of this, which have been laying very deeply and profoundly in me, that something is wrong with me.

Anyway - if you want, maybe you can explain the difference in your relationship with her, how it was before, how it is now? What changes did AM to you and how did they affect your relationship with your mother? How do you handle irritated people in general? How have you changed, and how are you as a person right now towards other people? A lot of questions, but maybe you get the gist of what I am looking for in your answer Smile Take care / Greenduck

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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12-20-2017, 05:03 AM
Post: #106
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
Jesus dude, your mum sounds like my last gf.

"as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong"

From this I recognised the value of "emotional maturity". Emotionally mature people can take responsibility for themselves, understand where they are wrong in a relationship and can process their emotions and convey them in a mature manner conducive to relationship building.

Emotionally immature people are the opposite; incapable of ownership so they blame others within relationships, expect that their emotional outbursts will be well tolerated and generally unsympathetic to the feelings of others causing relationship degradation over time.

Its funny how despite a person's age they may still be undeveloped on the inside. If you can develop your own emotional maturity, it'll safeguard you from her behaviour and may eventually teach her by demonstration how to behave in a relationship.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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12-20-2017, 05:11 AM
Post: #107
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
(12-20-2017 05:03 AM)Determined Wrote:  Jesus dude, your mum sounds like my last gf.

"as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong"

From this I recognised the value of "emotional maturity". Emotionally mature people can take responsibility for themselves, understand where they are wrong in a relationship and can process their emotions and convey them in a mature manner conducive to relationship building.

Emotionally immature people are the opposite; incapable of ownership so they blame others within relationships, expect that their emotional outbursts will be well tolerated and generally unsympathetic to the feelings of others causing relationship degradation over time.

Its funny how despite a person's age they may still be undeveloped on the inside. If you can develop your own emotional maturity, it'll safeguard you from her behaviour and may eventually teach her by demonstration how to behave in a relationship.

That was so damn straight to the point. Thanks for clarifying it to me, sometimes I think that I am the bad guy due to her outbursts, but as you put it I get that I'm probably not. Yeah degragation over time, no shit, more like there haven't been a real relationship at any point.

That is my plan actually, to develop myself to be able to withstand the impulse that her mood is awakening, and be calm, fair and sound. But really my hopes for that is pretty low...

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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12-20-2017, 05:21 AM
Post: #108
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".

The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.

Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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Greenduck
12-20-2017, 06:11 AM
Post: #109
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
(12-20-2017 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote:  I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".

The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.

Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .

On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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findingme
12-20-2017, 07:05 AM
Post: #110
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
(12-20-2017 06:11 AM)Greenduck Wrote:  
(12-20-2017 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote:  I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".

The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.

Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .

On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.

Peoples own emotional states are largely dependent on their "locus of control". The more internal a personal holds their locus of control, the more influence they exert on their own emotional states.

Conversely if they have an "external locus of control" they're more likely to attribute their state as a consequence of what's happening around them.

Personally, I think having an external locus of control is the worst thing a person can subject themself too. It's like holding yourself hostage to whomever's in the environment. Statements like "you made me feel this" or "that put me in a really bad mood" underlie this well.

Internal locus of control is one necessary ingredient to breaking away from other peoples crap.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"
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Kol, Greenduck
01-05-2018, 11:18 AM
Post: #111
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I feel so damn much better! It's amazing, I'm breaking out from the depression and I'm almost myself again! So damn grateful for this and even though it's a bit more left, I just feel amazed that I'm almost there.

Side-note (sorry for ranting again but now as I see things clearer I need to get this off my chest).

I hate my parents, and I am not kidding around. I hate being around them. They are so negative, and demanding of everything around them. They complain as they come home, they get angry when they don't get attention, they are just sucking any energy they can get from you. But I am stronger now, and able to withstand it, they don't get what they want from me.

Example: I am sitting at home just surfing, my mom comes home downstairs and as soon as she enter I can hear her saying "damn shitty home I hate this" because my dad is asleep and didn't greet her (wtf?). She comes up to me, say hello, I say hello and just talk about something. I am surfing and she tell something about how her evening was, but I keep my eyes on the computer (not in an "ignoring"-way, just relaxed sitting there listening, but not actively looking at her - which is DAMN OK she is not 5 years old) but then she interrupts and rushes away and complains "oh damn it doesnt matter" in a - no one will listen kind of way and gets angry and upset.

I am SO F*CKING TIRED of this childish behavior. I don't have energy to do anything about this. She can be angry if she want. I am there as much as I can, and I have tried to explain to her that I don't always have energy to be happy and listening. But she never learns, she can never learn a lesson. For F*CK sake, seriously it grinds my gears but I have learned to just let it go and let her go f*ck herself (would NEVER say anything like this, but for my own peace of mind I need to blow off some of the steam inside before I calm down).

Reflections or thoughts on this? Hope I can convey the situation in a way that is not to scewed.

I live as good as I can, I try to do as much as I can, but I am not fully healed yet and can be there for other people, but somehow this cannot fit into the mind of my parents.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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01-05-2018, 11:19 AM
Post: #112
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
(12-20-2017 07:05 AM)Determined Wrote:  
(12-20-2017 06:11 AM)Greenduck Wrote:  
(12-20-2017 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote:  I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".

The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.

Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .

On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.

Peoples own emotional states are largely dependent on their "locus of control". The more internal a personal holds their locus of control, the more influence they exert on their own emotional states.

Conversely if they have an "external locus of control" they're more likely to attribute their state as a consequence of what's happening around them.

Personally, I think having an external locus of control is the worst thing a person can subject themself too. It's like holding yourself hostage to whomever's in the environment. Statements like "you made me feel this" or "that put me in a really bad mood" underlie this well.

Internal locus of control is one necessary ingredient to breaking away from other peoples crap.

wow thanks for this, I didn't see you post until now. that describes exactly the situation with most my mom but also my dad at some part. It sucks the energy out of me

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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01-05-2018, 12:32 PM (This post was last modified: 01-05-2018 12:48 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #113
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
Sorry for that outburst. I took a car ride and feel more composed now.

I know that I am better, but I still have some unreality feelings coming and going, don't like that at all, I feel very spaced out :/

I currently feel like I am "flat" over my chest, like i want to take a big breath but it's just not "there". I'm workign with the area and feel tension in it, I have had some good cries and feel that it's "loosening up" and I hope I'm coming closer and closer to a threshold in my healing. As I said some unreality-feelings which is due to the tensions in my upper chakras, which I also feel a loosening by crying.

I forgot to mention that I had a huge release in emotions last week during my daily TRE-session. It took long time, I have doing them for around 30 weeks and people usually have releasing much earlier but I guess I was seriously f*cked up. But it was amazing. I started laughing, then crying very intensively but it felt GOOD. I had been afraid for the release so long but when it came it felt so natural and so good.

The 27th of february will be the 1 year "anniversery" of this thread, and I hope that I will be healed until then, almost 2 months. I set up these small goal-points, last one was christmas and I could compare how I felt last christmas, and it was big difference, even though I still wasn't feeling well but overall much better and more centered and calm. People around me see that I have changed and become better. I can feel music more, feel my own emotions more, many things are better!

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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01-11-2018, 11:12 AM (This post was last modified: 01-11-2018 11:15 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #114
RE: My healing journey - Wim hof, Trauma Releasing exercises, Meditation & Running
For so long I have gone through life using other people as a compass of how I should be, think and do. Sure I have done things that I wanted, like go to the university, travel, etc. but I always looked to other people on how I should "be". Ergo, I have been pretty insecure in myself and catered other peoples needs over my own. I start to realize this, and how deeply ingrained it is in my behavior and attitude toward many things. Hard to give an example, but I maybe come up with something later. The important thing is that it's colored my behavior and sat in the way of my own happiness and enjoyment of life. I also realize that I have felt empty for a long time, and I believe it come from that I looked for someone else to fil that hole inside of me. Someone, or things, status, etc. But things and people are temporary in that sense, they can't fill your hole more than for a brief time, you need to be content inside yourself first.

I now know it has started with my mother, and her desire to control people around her. She spend a lot of her time reacting to the outer world and being emotional about it, feeling angry when people don't are as she expect them to be, and in general is dependent upon everyone else to feel good. Being unconscious about this, and realizing that it isn't my responsibility to keep her happy (or anyone else for that matter), I have fed into this and neglected my own emotions and needs. Isn't it crazy that I'm at the age of 27 have to realize that I also have emotional needs? Well, better to realized it at 27 than to never realize it.

i am discovering/rediscovering who I am, and who I have been, and it's an interesting journey so far. Possibilities are going to open up, now that I know that I don't need to feel shameful about my needs, but can acknowledge them and then go out and fulfill them - the world is my oyster. I now know that my emotional needs are my responsibility and i ow my self to fulfill them, high and low. I'm getting to know my "emotional-self" more and more and it feels good.

If you go around trying to make other people happy/feel good/satisfy their needs you will:

1) Loose yourself, and what is important to you
2) Feed into other peoples victim mentality
3) Also become a victim as you may start depending upon other peoples emotional well-being

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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01-14-2018, 10:46 AM (This post was last modified: 01-14-2018 10:49 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #115
RE: My healing journey - Wim hof, Trauma Releasing exercises, Meditation & Running
Ok I start to see clear signs that I am getting better. I still am sensitive to some people, especially my mom who have no sense of boundaries whatsoever, but instead of seeing her as the devil and en evil person, I start to see her as "just" a pain in the ass. Still a pain, but not as serious as before.

An example:
We are having dinner and afterwards I feel really tired, I go up to my room and she just have to follow into my room and tell me that I need to change the bedding (linnens, etc) in a way that it "needs to be done right now". But now, I have the strength to tell her that "I need to be alone right now for a while", not at all in an aggressive way, just telling the facts, while she become upset and get all "OOOH I AM SO SORRY" and rushes out from the room. This is just an example but it's pretty explanatory for how she is on a regular basis, constantly taking things personally, talking about how everyone else (mostly one of her friends) is only thinking about themselves and are egoistic, etc. Try to point out ways that my dad are "misbehaving" (it don't really get to him though, he have just learned to take her for who she is), etc. But for me, right now, it's dreadful to live in. But I have survived so far, and started to be able to have some emotional integrity and enforce boundaries that I need, so I will be alright.

This is my everyday life with her. I am glad that I can start putting up boundaries, before I didn't had the strength/courage/whatever to do so, or maybe I didn't realize that I should do it. Anyway, sign that things are improving. Now I am heading out to the gym Smile

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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Yesterday, 05:14 AM
Post: #116
RE: My healing journey - Wim hof, Trauma Releasing exercises, Meditation & Running
For some reason (I guess it's not about me, but her own issues) my mom blames me for something. It shows, by her trying to make me feel guilty over different things, such as just being at home.

I have hit a burn-out and have not been able to work, been very tired, had low energy and so forth. I have spending some time at home to recover, and have soon hit full recovery.

Yesterday I finally had the guts to go against her, previously I have just folded down when accused or got angry, which resulted in that she "won". She is somewhat a manipulator and tries to make people think in a certain way, even though she is not always successful. With me, when I was emotionally weak, she took advantage of me and carried out her bad behavior because she noticed I couldn't "fight back" or it made me angry which make her feel in control, which in her victim mentality make her feel better.

Anyway, we were sitting at the dinner table, I'm doing something at my computer and she on her iPhone. She laughed at something and I saw it as an opportunity to open up some conversation and asked what it was, and she get's defensive as usual, but told me what it was (instead of opening up and having a laugh together). She then, as always, start asking something that is hard to me to talk about - when are you going to start to work? Not in a friendly way, but in a way like "you lazy **** you don't do anything". And i tell her my honest answer that "I don't know yet" and she gets traction and starts with her whole "you should get help" which usually make me really upset as it's more like an order rather than an sincere intention that she want me to feel better. Like she is disappointed in some way. And she goes on with something like "you are a burden here at home" and then I did what I haven't in a long while I stood up for myself and asked "how? I am not throwing stuff around me here at home, I am not being an asshole, I am an easy person to have around" and I didn't say it just to prove my point, it was an honest reply. She goes silent, and the tension was high, she got angry and after a while she calmed down in a sort of accepting way. Don't really know what happened here on a deeper level, but I just was tired of always taking her ***** that she throws around and expect people to buy into. She is so damn used to people not taking their stand because she is a pain in the ass that she just goes on and on sometimes.

Damn, can't people just sort out their own f*cking problems so they aren't a pain in the ass for the world around them? Where is the f*cking sense of responsibility?

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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Yesterday, 06:21 PM
Post: #117
RE: My healing journey - Wim hof, Trauma Releasing exercises, Meditation & Running
It feels like I am coming back from have been in another world (I am totally serious). I have felt like I have been somewhere else, not being able to communicate to other people what I was thinking or feeling, like I was trapped inside my body watching my life float by in front of my eyes, shut out, alone. I start to realize what the hell I have been through, but it's still hard to grasp and digest. But I am coming out from it.

Seeing one of the later episodes of black mirror the "black hotel" gave me something to relate to, the claustrophobic experience, feeling trapped inside oneself is the same feeling I got watching it. My mind is coming back to me, and I am starting to see the light in the tunnel.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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