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Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
09-28-2017, 08:42 PM
Post: #41
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
If you default has been to hide from attention, and you stop or lessen that, its going to feel like you're getting more attention since you're not blocking the new normal interest from others to you, or from you to others - my guess.

Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
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09-28-2017, 09:07 PM
Post: #42
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
The last post, though there's alot of anger it sounds like progress. It reminds me of AM when I first did it.

I started getting frustrated and angry at the way certain people treated me. And the beneficial thing of that was it was what got me to start to stand up to them and be assertive, which I had found difficult before that.. but it made my anger enough that I started doing it. In the end that evened out and I started getting alot more respect from those people.

So it may not be such a bad thing.
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10-08-2017, 04:43 PM
Post: #43
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
I was at a 12 step meeting today, and I admitted something I'd never owned publicly. I shared I'd been in 12 step meetings for most of 20 years, but I'd made the meetings a place where I put on my best front, and I have been sharing for years whatever YOU needed to hear, or what I knew would make ME look good. Even before UD, I knew I was lying and ignoring me, and it disgusted me. I didn't know how to do anything different.

I shared that recently I've seen some who, by doing real and tough program work, were freeing themselves. I shared it been gradually been pissing me off since I've played the faithful "nice" guy for many years, and it's been a complete lie--to myself. I traded me liking me for you liking me.

Growing up I learned that being honest was not acceptable or wanted, so I had been practicing old family rules all these years.

Along these same lines, I have been unwilling to write here knowing I was motivated to "look good in your eyes".

I'm becoming angry at my bulls***, my lies to me.

The real pisser is that I'm not a victim here. I played that "poor me" violin for years. I created that.

And only I can create something different. I need to.
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10-13-2017, 03:48 PM (This post was last modified: 10-13-2017 04:02 PM by findingme.)
Post: #44
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
I've had something growing in me, and I've written about it before. I acted on it tonight.

I've shared how I've put on a false face to win people's approval in my 12 step rooms, the atmosphere I've spent the majority of my free time in. What's been growing in me is a discomfort with me. Yeah, a discomfort with me.

I didn't go to my meeting tonight. I've habitually put on a "I'm good!" face. I'm sick of doing this, and a slight anger is motivating me. Not pride, not fear, nor dishonesty. Like a kid in me is pissed by me ignoring me to win their approval.

I even skipped my "important" meeting Wednesday--since I don't like me there (and another guy who I feel unsafe with). I felt guilty about it Wednesday, but feel "sure" about it now, which is new to me. A fear of rejection has guided me for years.

I thought UD was kind of quiet, but having sat on it, I'm seeing it is very, very active in my thinking.

So.......this is a VICTORY for me. I did something I wanted to tonight. I took care of me.
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10-13-2017, 04:23 PM
Post: #45
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread
Crap. An admission.

I blamed a guy who is emotionally unhealthy for my not going Wednesday. I couldn't control him, he's been a dominating controller his whole life, and I hid in that belief, fearing his anger at my dislike of it.

I don't think that was my real fear. I have been more afraid of me, a new me. Who will I be? How (should) I react? Who am I now? I'm so used to reacting to anyone and everyone around me. This is not a small admission. Whether it's with my daughter, coworker, mother, or whoever, I'm always waiting on them to admit their present mood on life (or a situation) so I can match it. No s***. I've played "nice" by agreeing with almost anything. I did say almost.

But in a coworker's words, I've played a "bitch" for others, my whole life long. I've been your "yes man". I saw nothing good in that--for ME--so I didn't go.

(What the frick is this sub doing in me? I like it)
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