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EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
05-21-2017, 01:42 PM (This post was last modified: 05-21-2017 01:52 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #61
RE: EHPRA 2.0
I tried listened a bit to Stress Relief, and it felt awesome for 5 minutes, my body relaxed and liked it but after that the sound of the waves become harsh, my mind become tense and I had to quit listening...

I relax my mind every day (the tension is mainly in the back of the head but also in the neck) just by sitting and trying to relax the parts, "feeling" it and trying to breathe through it. Looking forward to the day when I can do stuff with a relaxed mind, sleep good and not be so damn tense up there all the time, or feel like I am going to die if I hit my plate with my water glass... I can try to explain the feeling:

It's like sounds are cutting into a wound, no just felt, absorbed and noticed in a normal state, but as they are knives able to cut into my head. Much like when you get a thrill in your teeth when eating something cold, a hard or high pitched sound feels in my whole head and kind and goes outside on my whole body, the crayon on chalkboard or fork against plate scraping magnified by optional number.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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05-22-2017, 12:26 PM
Post: #62
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Hey are you still on E2, or are you taking a break? It's kind of confusing for me to read your journal because it's title suggests that it's an E2 journal but your OP and you first few posts (I think) seem to reflect that you're currently on a total sub-free break. What have you been doing re: subs lately, and how long has that been going on for (Months, Days, Etc)?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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05-22-2017, 12:30 PM (This post was last modified: 05-22-2017 12:53 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #63
RE: EHPRA 2.0
(05-22-2017 12:26 PM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Hey are you still on E2, or are you taking a break? It's kind of confusing for me to read your journal because it's title suggests that it's an E2 journal but your OP and you first few posts (I think) seem to reflect that you're currently on a total sub-free break. What have you been doing re: subs lately, and how long has that been going on for (Months, Days, Etc)?

Hey there, no subliminal right now, I have had a break for around 3 months with subliminals as I my mind couldn't take the input. Right now I'm just doing regular exercise, daily Yoga and Tai Chi and just focus on getting a bit better every day and getting my mind back on track, recovering from a previous burn-out.

Some good news:
I managed to solve two whole cross-word-puzzles which is great progress (I couldn't even focus on something like reading a book a while back, so this is great).

I have been really tense in my neck and throat, have had problems with talking and my internal dialogue, and I think that those two things have to do with each-other. This morning during my Tai Chi when stretching my neck, my whole body started to jerk together, like I was like a tense string on a bow. Feels like something is starting to release...

I attach a quote by Winston Churchill that have helped me to keep going when things get tough (which they still do at a daily basis), and understand that what is happening is temporary and will pass, just given enough time and effort.

[Image: keep-going1.jpg]

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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Blink
05-23-2017, 03:55 AM (This post was last modified: 05-23-2017 04:00 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #64
RE: EHPRA 2.0
I realize that my focus on other peoples emotions have been because I have had a hard time coming down into my own, but slowly I'm getting to know these things called my emotions again. The expression "loosing touch" with yourself really make sense. Now I'm trying to get to know myself again, connecting with those emotions and feeling what is needed to come out. I guess I'm healing emotionally.

Parallel to this I go to acupuncture and do "head relaxation" to heal myself mentally and loosening up mental tension.

And I do Yoga and Tai Chi to heal physically (which should affect both the mental and emotional healing process).

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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05-31-2017, 08:21 AM (This post was last modified: 05-31-2017 08:31 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #65
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Have had great progress with the TRE exercises, it's just been an awesome way to release some deep stress that's been locked up inside my body. Every time I do it, my body starts to shake in different parts and just want to get rid of the tension and afterwards I just feel relaxed. It also led me to start releasing tension in my neck, and afterwards my mind just felt clear and like normal.

Still some healing to be done in my heart area and I think that E2 is still in progress of the healing here. I can feel "something" that is going on in the area, slowly and gently, but still. I have had much stress for a long time and the issue really had to be dealt with in a slow pace as I was so sensitive to anything but I think that it's really working. Also today I could go out for a run and only stop 1 time in a 5k, and just feel present during the whole run, rather than loosing it halfway through and just get dizzy, so that is definitely some progress.

I started to do some meditation a couple days ago and plan to incorporate it in my daily routine which feels as the right thing to do at this time.

PS. For anyone who haven't heard about TRE exercises it's basically a way to put your body into "stress relief-mode" by first doing some exercises to loosen up your muscles, inspired from Yoga and Tai Chi, and then just laying on your back and allowing your body to start shaking (which it does), starting from your pelvis and legs. When it starts it's just going along with it and it feels quiet relaxing and nice even in the moment Smile You know, like the way you start shaking when you are really tired in the legs for example, it's the same thing, but you do it laying on your back. It's really a natural reaction that animals release stress by, but because of that it may seem socially "weird" to shake or to show fear by shaking, we instead "suck it up" and we store that tension inside the body (energy have to go somewhere, right?) and with the exercises you allow your body a safe way to release all that stored up tension.

A video of the method in action (you can see how it looks at around 4:00)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27VgK0LrR3Q

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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06-04-2017, 09:25 AM (This post was last modified: 06-04-2017 09:48 AM by Greenduck.)
Post: #66
RE: EHPRA 2.0
I feel more relaxed than before, TRE exercises are doing wonders along with meditation and exercise.

Some weird thing in my family: There have surfaced some kind of power-battle and I don't get where it's coming from. Previously it's been pretty chill, my mom has been as she always has, but now I even feel pushed down (not directly but the feeling) when just sitting and having dinner. Like they are so up into themselves that they can't see me. Weird. Family shouldn't be about proving one self to another, it's should be about trust, and for some reason there is not trust there. It's no a trusting environment at all.

My dad is pretty strong in himself so I don't think that it's getting to him at all, but me at this moment, I don't enjoy it. I think it may be caused by my mother and her issues. I to have issues, but I try to keep them to myself (Well i talk about them from time to time, but I try not to spill it over someone else). But my mom is making all this kind of weird faces when my dad is telling stories, looking bored, and just all this kind of b*llshit things and it's just so weird. Maybe I didn't think about it before, but now when I do it's just so disrespectful. Anyway, weird stuff, but I manage to keep to myself and feel alright through it. One thing I know is that I don't trust my mom. At all.

And all of these things are concerning me WAY more than they should. I feel drawn into the situation, and have a hard time "thinking my way through". It's like i have a hard time to find my own interpretation of things and I am afraid of falling into others perspective.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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ngoc009
06-05-2017, 02:00 PM (This post was last modified: 06-05-2017 02:31 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #67
RE: EHPRA 2.0
6th of june - A brief positive note, some kind of reflection and a current assessment of my state through the chakra-framework

I have come to a conclusion that I have known, but not been able to put words on.

+ positive note But first some brief note that I went to a concert with a friend today, enjoyed the music and just was there without being worried and able to stay present throughout the whole event, and things just felt normal. And it was some great music to. This is big progress for me.

Back to the reflection: Most people mirror me, meaning they act from watching how i act towards them. Not 100 % of the time when we interact, but some more and some less. Other don't. Right now I would rather have it that they wouldn't mirror me, but hey maybe it'll become something good further along the road.

Anyway I have had problems with relationships with others partly because my mind made me almost crippled and "trapped in myself", but also because I have had problems with feeling what is "me".

The case where I have had low sense of self, and not connected to my "ego" and my "self" and in some times even had hard time to connect with my "mind", interactions with others became problematic for self-explanatory reasons. They lacked something solid, either a person (ego) emotions (self) or thoughts (mind). An interaction require opposites to function, otherwise there is a problem, it need to be something that separate people, that create friction and opposing powers.

What I have lacked is contact with myself - my ego. Therefore relationships became problematic as they was either based on emotional bonds or shared ideas or archetypes, but they lacked stability as I was lacking the stability in myself. Chakra-wise this is a blockage in the solar-plexus chakra which I now am working on resolving with my other problem areas:

Chakra-status

Root [some problems, continuous progress]
Pain under feet, stiff legs, knee problems, have had problems with releasing energy and grounding, have become better with body-work, walks, dancing, etc

Sacral [Have been fully blocked or close to it, continuous progress, almost open]
Pain in lower back, stiffness in back, lack of ability to connect with other

Solar-plexus [Blocked, working on opening]
Low confidence and will-power, let mind rule over will.

Heart [Semi-blocked, continuous progress]
Have had emotional problems that made me "close up" but I'm working on them with exercise and going to a therapist. Also yoga and Tai Chi help here

Throat [Being totally blocked, now opening up]
Working on opening up with Tai Chi and stretches, have had problems with communication, making myself understood, as well as my inner dialog but the tension is loosening up, I had neck-pain which is becoming better, also acupuncture is helping here.

Third-eye
[overactive/blocked]
Not sure about this one

Crown [blocked]
Still hard to see bigger picture, have memory problems, sometimes feeling ungrounded and disconnected. Have had some problems with mild obsessive thoughts.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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06-09-2017, 07:42 AM
Post: #68
RE: EHPRA 2.0
For Me its


Root [some problems, continuous progress]
Have Hip Problems and Lack of Mobility, Fat gain due to wanting to "protect myself during a time of going in" (i.e look at the fat bhudda). Dont feel the right to stand my ground. Am easily push around.

Sacral [blocked]
I am to indulgent in pleasures to numb my pain and i think about sex.... alot.

Solar-plexus [Blocked]
Low confidence and will-power, let mind rule over will. Dont have ability to assert myself. Afraid of my inner power.

Heart [blocked]
It is hard to open up to people and be vulnerable to others

Throat [Being totally blocked, now opening up]
I am afraid to speak up for myself and speak my truth. I have massive Jaw and facial tightness in this area.

Third-eye [overactive]
All thought no action

Crown [blocked]
Am able to see the full picture but am not grounded in earth.

I have been running E2 for 460 days with 571 days left and although i have gotten rid of many surface fears and old things in my life. Alot of old habits are still there that cause self-sabotage.

E2 Days in All: 606 Days

UD Start Date: November 1st, 2017

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06-09-2017, 01:32 PM (This post was last modified: 06-09-2017 02:10 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #69
RE: EHPRA 2.0
(06-09-2017 07:42 AM)Daredevil Wrote:  For Me its:

I can give you some examples of things that have helped me with each chakra. My general advise is Tai Chi, have done much for finding ways to stretch out my body, and find ways to open up my inner "being" with breathing and movements. Healing must come from within, and your breath is a great tool for that, but sometimes the breath need some assistance in "unlocking yourself" where Tai Chi is a great tool for using your body in healing. There is an app in Appstore with instructions for fundamental Tai Chi movements.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/tai-chi-...32694?mt=8

Quote:Root: Exercises that make your feet muscles softer. Like rotating your wrists, standing on your toes, stretching, etc.
Sacral: TRE-exercises (wrote about it earlier in the journal). Hip-rotation. Hip-streches. Child-pose in yoga with deep breathing.
Solar plexus: "belly-breating" - i.e. pushing your abdominal muscles in and out and doing kind of a belly-dancing movement. Loosen up muscles in your abdomen.
Heart chakra: Talking to a therapist, meditation where you focus your attention on your breath in the chest
Throat chakra - Gentle stretches, just stand and bend slightly backwards and feel your throat stretch (gently!) and just breathe as your body is telling you.
Third eye - I believe it become balanced from balancing the other chakras
Crown - Same as third eye


I have had my third visit at my therapist and had some great progress. Really felt that I could share myself with her and my ability to trust her grows for every time. She mentioned that there had been great progress even from our first meeting and noticed that I was carrying a different energy with me, which I also felt.

My Tai Chi practice move forward, I have had some larger muscular releases where I feel as a muscle in my abdomen and in my chest are loosening up and I kind of feel...not nauseous but something close to it when it happens and then relieved afterwards. I feel that my breathing is not so much contracted anymore but my chest is moving more freely.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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06-09-2017, 02:24 PM
Post: #70
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Yeah you should start back E2 again. I know it's tough but the more you wait the more time your stuck with your trauma.

TRE deals with all the Chakras and if you release trauma with it it releases it all across the body.

Tai Chi takes way to long to master, sorry not interested. Actually it takes lifetimes to have a emotional clearing effect. And most people don't follow the prerequisites which is martial arts training and long periods of meditation which was done to better control their energy.

E2 Days in All: 606 Days

UD Start Date: November 1st, 2017

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06-10-2017, 02:25 PM (This post was last modified: 06-10-2017 02:33 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #71
RE: EHPRA 2.0
(06-09-2017 02:24 PM)Daredevil Wrote:  Yeah you should start back E2 again. I know it's tough but the more you wait the more time your stuck with your trauma.

TRE deals with all the Chakras and if you release trauma with it it releases it all across the body.

Tai Chi takes way to long to master, sorry not interested. Actually it takes lifetimes to have a emotional clearing effect. And most people don't follow the prerequisites which is martial arts training and long periods of meditation which was done to better control their energy.

Not right now, but thanks for the suggestion.

Sounds right.

Ok. I disagree on the long time for emotional effects as it have had impact on me just doing it 70 days in row.

-------------

Exclamation

I'm feeling better. The I of me is slowly becoming stronger - my self - the vessel that we experience life through, the thing that emotions vibrate with, the place where personality, and thus relationships are created from, the place where I experience life from, where my perspective is created. That is a good thing and I believe a fundamental thing for my recovery. I feel like I'm more able to relate to things and people, but the biggest thing is that when I'm alone the extremely empty vortex that made being alone dreadful is now not only an empty vortex where I could feel nothing but just emptiness and despair, but there is somethings else there now even if there is just only a little bit of it, a feeling of something, a feeling of myself.

Quote:"Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." — Leonard Cohen

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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06-11-2017, 01:31 PM
Post: #72
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Sometimes I think u should give DMSI Healing version a try.. But do what ur conscious tell u to do.

“I'll Take a Nightmare That's Real Over a Dream That's a Lie"-Sarah
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08-17-2017, 01:35 PM (This post was last modified: 08-17-2017 01:38 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #73
RE: EHPRA 2.0
2 months since I was here last time, but it feels much longer, much much much longer. I have gone through so many things, hard nights but constantly have been in a positive direction. I feel much more like myself, even though it's still some road left before I will have come out on "the other side" from what I have experienced. I just wanted people to know that I'm here, even though I haven't written on the forum, and maybe shed some light to those that are battling.

What I have experienced was some kind of fragmentation of everything, where I couldn't find any center in anything. I just couldn't keep it together. Putting it that way you can figure it's hard to express oneself and don't talk about connecting with other people. Connecting would engage emotions and that just stirred up things and made it worse. BUT. Things have changed. I feel more centered in myself, in my emotions, in "me" not drifting away, but having some kind of red thread in my thoughts that wasn't there before. Past memories are coming back and things start to make more sense to me, just general things like reading an article, a book, making sense of it, being able to just peel some potatoes and just do that, and not be worried and drift away every third second. Hope you get the picture.

So what have helped me? Well it have been a combination of things, done consequently on a daily basis, with patience, self-compassion and trying to instill trust over time. But foremost to listen to what I need and just follow that inner guidance, even though that it at first appeared to be very silent and hard to reach. But some of the things:
  • Meditation - Very hard at time and putting up some serious confusion and stirred up emotions, but just to learn to let it pass, be inside it and trust that it will be better have been necessary to learn. And I believe this is one of the few ways to dissapate the emotions that have been haunting me. My breathing have become much freer thanks to focusing on tense areas in my chest and breathing "through" them even though it have been really uncomfortable at times
  • Tai Chi - Learn to build up my strenght in my body again and also practise breathing and loosening up my body
  • Trauma releasing exercises - I think that those in combination with meditation have helped me become more grounded and help my body relax again
  • Wim-Hof breathing - I discontinued this practise as it didn't felt "right" at the time i started it, but have slowly started to do it again ,and can feel how i have tensions in my abdomen that I slowly work through
  • Reading books - Read books about trauma, the one I enjoyed most was "the body keeps the score"
  • Therapy - Going to someone experienced in mental health to get some perspectives on things from time to time, or just have someone to talk to.

That was my cents. And I haven't been able to listen to subliminals, as when I do I become really uncomfortable and it just don't feel "right", somehow they make me feel ungrounded. Maybe it's because I need to come to terms with my emotions before doing the intense healing work that subliminals here are. However, I think that my past listening to E2 have helped guide me to listen more to myself.

Good luck everyone out there!

EDIT:

Lol I came here to write one thing and wrote a whole post, posted it and almost forgot about it. I feel that I'm better inside, like I start to "exist" again and being able to "do" stuff again (sounds weird for some, but I didn't experienced myself existing at times). But I still can't really reach out to people like i did before. I guess it's just a matter of time, but I feel the longing for intimacy and connection, but just can't really get myself to reach out for it. It will probably get solved over time by doing small increments of action towards this goal when I see them, but right now it's I don't know how to put it, but frustrating is the closest word to describe it.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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Kol, ichigo
08-24-2017, 09:52 AM
Post: #74
RE: EHPRA 2.0
My "real" perspective is coming back (i start to feel familiar with how I perceive things around me) and the mist of confusion I have found myself in is starting to clear. What I find is both, a perspective on who other people are, but I'm also starting to remember who I am, and not only the person that others want me to be. I understand who are safe, and who may not have my best interests at heart, which will be crucial for my continued recovery.

One person that can be really damaging is my mother. I have written about it before, but I now can see it clearer. At this time I live at home with her and my dad because of my financial situation which is limited due to not being able to work at the time, so changing the situation is challenging, why I instead have been forced to learn to change how I respond to the situation.

However, my mother... When she don't get as she want, talk about what she want, people don't act as she want, she get upset, angry and create a lot of drama. Everything about her is drama. My dad is a pretty simple guy with a good sense of humor, so at times we have a good time.

Hm. My thoughts was clearer when I though about writing this post, well maybe I'll come back to it later.

Sometimes it just feel like my parents are so wound up into stuff, often the drama my mom carries with her, that they can't see me and see how bad I am feeling, and how damaged I am at the moment. They are just irritated that I'm not happy and outgoing as I used to be, and that just work as icing on the shit-cake that I am trying to get away from.

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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08-25-2017, 02:11 AM (This post was last modified: 08-25-2017 02:11 AM by Zane.)
Post: #75
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Well my mother is something like that and she used to waste a lot of money on other to get attention. So I got fed up and played E1 (EPRAH) in her room on comfortable volume. Even though she can speak English and has difficulty typing it. She is somehow responding to E1. She is now taking steps to save money and cutting negative people out of her life. She is changing slowly.

I recommend u just play E1 and in mom's room on some device which plays it 24*7 on low volume and things will be okay then

“I'll Take a Nightmare That's Real Over a Dream That's a Lie"-Sarah
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09-30-2017, 12:21 PM
Post: #76
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Just diving in here to give a update and ask about a specific behavior that I find in myself, and see if anyone can relate to it.

Overall I'm feeling much better. The state of "panic" that I almost lived in all the time has become much better, I'm very much more emotionally calm, I have more energy, can laugh at things and almost function as normal. So this is GREAT. Super huge development, and I am really happy about it!

What is "left" to be done until I can feel that I am fully healed, ergo what I am missing at this moment, is becoming fully in contact with "myself" and my emotions. Right now I feel like I'm 70 % me but still have some cracks that need to be healed. I believe it's stress that need time to heal.

So I'm pretty OK on a emotional basis. But that is just one dimension of well-being (haha bear with me now) , as there is also a "core self" and "emotional self". The core self is what people refer to as "solar plexus chakra" self. And this part is not fully healed. I feel like I don't have my core-confidence that I had before, and I am working on that by doing Wim-Hof (week 6 now) and regular core exercises.

Mentally I am a bit off, and have a hard time to "think" actively, like sit there and do analytical thinking, I just don't have the mental energy for it.

So that's the current status. Overall huge improvements and I almost can't believe that I have managed to get to where I am, from a point where everything felt like it was falling apart, and just being in the moment was dreadful.

Regarding the issue: It's with my mom, who probably is like any other mom, but the problem I have is that I feel how she feel, and feel like I am supposed to do something, like help her feel good or something, but it never work that way. Like her emotions is overwhelming me, and just to make it stop I feel i need to do something about it. But I really have to focus when this happens do not get sucked into it. Before this was no problem. I felt the "dynamic" behind it or what you want to call it, but could shield myself from it, but now when I am not fully emotionally healthy this become a problem sometime and is stressful. Anyone who can relate to this and maybe clarify it for me?

Hope everyone is well!

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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09-30-2017, 12:59 PM
Post: #77
RE: EHPRA 2.0
Have you ever taken any medication for anxiety or been diagnosed as potentially having an anxiety disorder? What happened/is still happening to you sounds a lot like what happened to me, but taking a break from subs and getting real medical treatment for my anxiety helped bring back my mental clarity and made me feel like I was a real, normal person again. I also think perhaps you might have some buried trauma that is "triggering" this high state of agitation and you may benefit from other forms of mental health treatment.

This is just from my own personal experiences, but your symptoms you had several months ago were the exact same ones that I was having back then too, and now I am doing worlds and leagues beyond better and am continuing to improve with each passing day.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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10-06-2017, 12:28 PM (This post was last modified: 10-06-2017 12:43 PM by Greenduck.)
Post: #78
RE: EHPRA 2.0
(09-30-2017 12:59 PM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Have you ever taken any medication for anxiety or been diagnosed as potentially having an anxiety disorder? What happened/is still happening to you sounds a lot like what happened to me, but taking a break from subs and getting real medical treatment for my anxiety helped bring back my mental clarity and made me feel like I was a real, normal person again. I also think perhaps you might have some buried trauma that is "triggering" this high state of agitation and you may benefit from other forms of mental health treatment.

This is just from my own personal experiences, but your symptoms you had several months ago were the exact same ones that I was having back then too, and now I am doing worlds and leagues beyond better and am continuing to improve with each passing day.

Hi Kalmah,

Nope, no medications. Right now I feel I have passed over a threshold in my recovery from depression with good progress every day, but it could probably have been a good idea to try out some meds before when I was deep into the valley to make my days go by a bit easier. I got to the conclusion that I would try to get better the "natural way" which was why I cut out subliminals, also because they made me very mentally tense, but I hope to be able to give them a new try when I have recovered as I have hope for them being a good additional tool for self-improvement.

Love to hear it (that you are getting better every day, I have had the same feeling for a while now), it's almost hard to believe that you are getting better after having been in a place where "better" was so off the map and you thought that you would stay in that hell for ever (at least that is how I felt for a very long time). But finally the clouds are starting to clear somewhat and I'm starting to get a grip around my life again.

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Today I baked a cake (woho, haha) and that's some kind of achievement, you know just doing something and accomplishing it, all by yourself. Even though some things made me irritated and upset when not going as planned, the feeling of being done afterwards is nice. Also have been starting to work a bit in a small company, really interesting with a super nice guy as a boss. I have a good feeling about it. I have good ability to decide of how much I work which is suiting my current situation very much.

I have noticed that what I have problem is to stay focused, then I get anxious and stressed. Social interactions are still hard (with particular people, so maybe it's not that bad as it sounds), and feels unnatural sometimes. I feel that some people are tiring to hang out with, people who want to control things, and control how I act (or at least it feels like they want to), again I am probably exaggerating.

But I am getting more in line with myself again. Calmer and more relaxed, even though I don't feel quiet as myself, but on a good way there. I am sleeping way better, and I have started to enjoy meditation, which previously was just a dread 30 minutes of feeling like shit and being exhausted afterwards (I have meditated around 130 days in a row now, around 30 minutes every time). I have also stayed committed to the "wim hof" breathing ritual every morning followed with doing some cold showers after my initial morning-shower (in warm water). It feels like it have helped me to improve my breathing and release tensions around my torso, making me feel more loosened up and also with some additional energy that I was lacking before. Same thing here, first 5 weeks I felt like shit, even more socially anxious and tired, but now it seems to have turned and make me feel better by doing it.

My psychologist called today and I just felt anxious talking to her, as I have been when meeting her every time. I don't know why, but I just feel anxious talking to her. Shouldn't be that way, so I won't go to her anymore, but probably look for someone else that it feels natural to talk to. It's just to tiring to go talk to her.

Noticed that I can get EXTREMELLY irritated at small things, as when my dad was sitting eating a piece of chocolate with crunchy bits inside of it when we watched a movie, I almost jumped out of the window. That is not like me, but must be a result of tense nerves or something like that.

My relationships with my parents feel off and unnatural for some reason. They feel that I am not "as usual" and that make them insecure about the relationship (I'm guessing here). I trust that it will solve itself over time, but it can also be frustrating in the moment. My dad is overall relaxed which feels good, but my mom usually blow things out of proportion, worry a lot and have the need to control things around her which at this time take much energy from me.

Tomorrow going to a b-day party for a friend. Looking forward to it! Go out, have some drinks, enjoy some music, dance and just blow some steam off (I hope). Now I'm out for a evening run.

Edit:
As I was leaving the computer I though of an explanation that fits well with how I feel - I have low levels of "social energy". It takes so much out from me. I am not socially incompetent, I have previously had an easy time to socialize with different kind of people, good sense of humor, love to laugh, etc. But right now it's not fully there. But it will Smile

Quote:As I am doing a break from subliminals, maybe someone is interested in what I am doing instead, for that person:
  • Wim-Hof breathing and cold showers - Every morning
  • Meditation - Every evening 30 minutes
  • Trauma releasing exercises - Every day for 15 minutes
  • Running - Around 3 times a week, 20-40 minutes
  • Relaxation exercises - Every morning (google kegels and reverse kegels) 4*25

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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10-08-2017, 12:24 PM
Post: #79
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
Had a good night at the birthday party, where I most of the time enjoyed it. I wasn't 100 % as usual, but patience is key they say, anyway I'm just glad I could enjoy it.

I have been musical and liked music before, and I am starting to be able to do it again. To dance with the rytm of the music and feel the music in my body, was great to feel that kind of sensation again, as I have been worrying that it was lost.

I wasn't very drunk, just enough during the night. At the end of the evening I stood beside the dancefloor with people all around me, and just enjoyed listening to the music and being present, which felt great. I felt calm, and at peace and at the same time present, not being conscious of myself in the crowd. I am looking forward to enjoy more of this "state" as I feel that it is what awaiting on the other, healthy side.

Emotionally I am still a bit upset, which make it hard to talk to people who are emotional, and guess who these often are - well girls. As I am growing more calm in myself and releasing store up tension, so is my emotions and my emotional state much more calm and therefore I am not drawn into them as before, more being able to be "myself", in a more harmonious way.

I starting to be able to take deep breaths where I see my chest is moving out, which I believe is a result of having let go of tensions in this area which is correlated to upset emotions.

thums up - New week starting tomorrow!

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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10-13-2017, 07:11 AM
Post: #80
RE: EHPRA 2.0 (Sub break - Wim hof, and more)
I'm having one of these day where everything feels to hell, like I am shut inside of myself and trying to break out of a shell but I cant, because I am stuck. Like I have hit a dam and I am just hitting it over and over and the water is just piling up behind it and can't get through. Like a ocean that is trying to flow into a thin lake, pushing, pushing, pushing and it just feels like hell. Like everything has not given anything, like I am still stuck at the bottom, worthless, with no ability to concentrate, to access my skills and abilities, like I am just sitting here and not being able to work. Like it's so long until I am recovered.

BUT. I know that is not true. It's a feeling, a state of being which is created because I hit some new layer to heal through. Still, it sucks, it's feels just like I am describing above. Like I am here, but now here. Like "I" am behind a light switch that goes on, and off, on and off, on and off, but not really fully on. It's frustrating. And that is good. Why? Because when it's frustrating, there is something behind that wall, something that want to break out. The frustration is coming from the real me that want to break out. Giving up is never the question, not anymore, now it's just pure frustration and is lingering through my existence. And other people frustrate me, not because of who they are or what they do specifically, but because they make me even more frustrated and aware of my inability to express myself.

Maybe I should just try to express, but I fear something fear of being interrupted, not understood and ridiculed. Because of that other people have a hard time to listen carefully and understand as they often are absorbed inside themselves. I have tried. But it just create more irritation for myself. The best outlet I have is this, writing and letting my thoughts flow out in a way that is unconstrained and not so vulnerable to other peoples judgements, as I am vulnerable to those in real person. Here they can flow as they want, be as they are and not having to be explained and interpreted by someone else, just be what they are for themselves. As they should. Maybe sometimes they need to be clarified, but not always, sometimes they just need to be for themselves, to let the person behind them express them for their own sake.

F*ck me. Really. Sometimes it's just sucks to be me. F*CKING SHIT, HELL. Yes that's how i feel. But I also feel that the dam is slowly dissipating, and with that I'm more able to express myself and find my way back to who I am and just "be", not be stuck inside my head with my thoughts and this constant babbling and worrying. F*ck that. It's not productive in any way. I know my perspectives are skewed but what should I do about it? They get better for every day, but right now they are as they are, and I am as I am and I just need to be able to be that way, not being worried about that I have done something wrong ,that I need to do something for things to be OK, but JUST BE SO LET ME BE FOR F*CK SAKE AND MIND YOUR OWN F*CKING BUSINESS (not adressed to you as a reader but for certain people in my life).

- "No problem can be solved by the same kind of thinking that created it." Albert Einstein
- "Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going" - Will Smith

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