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Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6 Refresher Stage)
04-09-2015, 05:04 PM
Post: #61
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(04-09-2015 03:54 PM)eternitys_child Wrote:  hey kalmah, I feel you what you're saying in the workout department. Something that helps keep me feeling like I didn't waste an entire day is to do some pushups or crunches throughout the day. It was inspired by this post on reddit my brother in law sent me.

read the first comment on this thread https://www.reddit.com/comments/1q96b5/

I have this pull up bar at my office and I make it a point to do some kind of pushups or pull ups throughout the day, even though it's not a traditional workout. It leaves me feeling like I at least accomplished something physically.

Hope this helps my friend

Thanks for the Reddit post, man. I read through it and it motivated me to at least not make it a zero day. Over the 2nd intermission in the Ranger game I went and did 3 major sets of push ups and pull ups. I feel actually a lot more energized and positive after exercising, even though it was barely anything, especially when compared with P90x.

Tomorrow I'll try to do the next stage in the program that I was supposed to do yesterday and today.

When I look back on today now after exercising, I guess today wasn't actually all that bad of a day. Even though I didn't do any homework or do P90x, I practiced in my craft a bunch (I'm an aspiring screenwriter). I wrote some pages, and also updated an online play-by-post DND campaign with my friends in it that I had been stalling on updating since like Sunday or Monday. I didn't have the most ideally productive day, but working out just that little bit tonight for 20 minutes helped me realize that getting in some writing, both in practical craft and in DnD updates makes me feel like I had a little bit more of a productive day.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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04-13-2015, 08:24 AM
Post: #62
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 10

So I'm not really sure what to do anymore. This is the beginning of Day 10 of me running EPRHA. When I run it, I don't really feel anything anymore. I feel like maybe I've been slightly more relaxed and less high-strung/stressed these past 10 days, but overall, I haven't been noticing any major life changes.

Is this because I'm already all healed up from this sub? As I've said before, last fall/winter I ran this sub for approximately 90 days and healed my emotional scars superbly. I only started this sub 10 days ago because I noticed that I was feeling really depressed, overwhelmed, and really temperamental--I was super quick to anger.

I'm wondering now if that wasn't just an effect of stress from school. Since last Monday I've received a string of good news from various professors and advisors that indicate that, even though I'm failing now, I can easily put myself into a passing situation, and once I do pass, I'm way, way, way closer to moving on with my life than I thought.

Part of me wants to continue on with EPRHA, afraid that if I change something up, I'll start going back to feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, and angry. But part of me is unsure if EPRHA is really what I need right now, and I'm wondering if maybe I should switch to running a sub that might impact my life more directly and noticeably, like ASC or something.

Thoughts?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-13-2015, 09:31 AM
Post: #63
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I'll let you know in advance that this post is not going to be from experience, but speculation.

I would say don't stop the sub. Based on the anecdotal reports I've seen from others who want to stop using a sub, the desire to stop is a form a resistance.

If it's one sub I imagine myself doing for the longest time, it would definitely be EPRHA. Why? Because 25 years of life surely has put a decent amount into the emotional pain category. Healing 25 years worth of pain will take a very long time.

I look at it this way. subs like ASC is pushing the limits forward to what we can achieve, but EPRHA is raising the bottom to bring a higher base line.

Hope that made sense.

ENFP ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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GlaizenGold777
04-13-2015, 09:43 AM
Post: #64
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(04-13-2015 09:31 AM)eternitys_child Wrote:  I'll let you know in advance that this post is not going to be from experience, but speculation.

I would say don't stop the sub. Based on the anecdotal reports I've seen from others who want to stop using a sub, the desire to stop is a form a resistance.

If it's one sub I imagine myself doing for the longest time, it would definitely be EPRHA. Why? Because 25 years of life surely has put a decent amount into the emotional pain category. Healing 25 years worth of pain will take a very long time.

I look at it this way. subs like ASC is pushing the limits forward to what we can achieve, but EPRHA is raising the bottom to bring a higher base line.

Hope that made sense.

It did, thanks. I've basically wasted the past 8 months of my life starting subs and then stopping them 10 or 15 days in due to this same type of resistance. I have no backbone/spine/commitment drive and this causes me to often change my mind, go back on my own plans/ideas/responsibilites, or give in to doubt, etc, and not see things through to the end.

It's partially why I decided to start this journal up again--because I wasted so much time starting and changing and stopping and restarting subs that I could have used to stick with one or two subs for a long time and really change my life in profound ways--that I felt I needed to stay committed to a journal to stay committed to an actual sub.

I'll probably be making similar posts like the one I did above several times throughout me running this program, and hopefully, I'll remember writing this so that I can actually stick with a sub for once and bring about some positive change Tongue

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-13-2015, 01:11 PM
Post: #65
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
lol right on. by the way is your user name from the metal band of the same name?

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GlaizenGold777
04-13-2015, 03:18 PM
Post: #66
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(04-13-2015 01:11 PM)eternitys_child Wrote:  lol right on. by the way is your user name from the metal band of the same name?

Yes Big Grin

And the song Alteration by them is from my 2nd favorite album of their's. They're my all-time favorite band, my first ever real death metal band (the genre of music that absolutely changed my life forever) and I made the long trek all the way out to Canada in 2010 (I think) to see them live in Toronto and it was probably the best concert of my life.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-14-2015, 04:58 PM
Post: #67
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 11

Had a bit of a tougher day today. I was getting frustrated not feeling any major life improvements with EPRHA after 11 days so I tried running about an hour or two of Become Irresistably Attractive to Beautiful Women. While I definitely was a little bit more confident and relaxed around women, and definitely immediately noticed women walking by me checking me out more, I was starting to feel an overall sadness/nervousness in me, and it immediately went away when I started running EPRHA again.

I guess I'm just realizing the obvious for myself now: I really do need to stick with it this time. I can't move forward until I heal myself first. Kind of bummed out about that, seeing as 90 days of this did nothing for me last time. I'll probably have to waste a ton of time running EPRHA for the next 6 months or so--would like to just skip this step and jump right to the good stuff, like ASC, BIABW, and AM, but I know deep down that this is more important. Sucks Confused

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-14-2015, 09:54 PM
Post: #68
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
It's only 11 days, sure I have noticed things that early with subliminals but keep in mind it is only early days, patience will help you really get the results Wink
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GlaizenGold777
04-15-2015, 06:56 AM
Post: #69
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 12

I'm already only on Day 12 and I can't stop fighting the urge that I desperately want to quit this sub and move onto something else, like BIABW or ASC. Every day it seems to be getting worse. I hate walking around the city and being looked at like I'm weird or creepy, I hate feeling socially awkward and uncomfortable around people--especially girls--all the time. I wish that I could just skip this stupid step and move right onto something like ASC.

Last time I ran ASC for 56 days or so and it helped me tremendously--but I gave up on it like an idiot because I decided that I'd rather run AM5. I know that in the end I might regret not re-running a full segment of EPRHA, but a large part of me feels like if I ran ASC for the next 90 days instead of EPRHA, most of my problems would be solved, and I'd be moving forward at the same time.

I'm over the traumatic loss of my father and the moving away of all of my friends--but I have no confidence, no drive, no swagger, no optimism, no belief in myself--and part of me thinks that that's my biggest problem.

Maybe I'm running the wrong sub? Maybe my emotional pain is largely over, but what I've needed most to get over this hill of stress and doubt and anxiety isn't emotional healing, but confidence boosting?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-16-2015, 05:17 AM
Post: #70
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I couldn't take it anymore. EPRHA was making me feel sad, depressed, and bummed out. I started cutting classes again because I couldn't deal with the stress of going and attending and getting assigned more work. After 6 years, I'm so, so close to graduating my 4-year program, and I can't afford to sit around, feel sorry for myself and unconfident and let my semester fall apart.

I switched to ASC yesterday and have already noticed drastic results.

SO without further ado...

Day 1

I feel so much more energetic, so much more happy, positive, optimistic...dare I even say euphoric. And that's only after starting yesterday at around 4:30 PM my time and listening all the way through my sleep until 9 AM this morning.

I forgot how much I loved the early stages of this sub.

I woke up this morning feeling focused and recharged, ready to handle a busy, stressful day full of work, reading, papers, final exam studying and more. I don't care that I've got all of the work in the world cut out for me if I want to pass; the only thing that I care about is focusing on one small task at a time, because I know that if I stay as positive as the way the sub has made me feel upon waking up today, I can achieve anything.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-16-2015, 01:47 PM
Post: #71
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
So this is my full Day 2 update for ASC:

My morning was great but I declined quickly as the day went on. At first, I was riddled with horrible irratibility and an extreme lack of patience and politeness when dealing with people around me. As the day went on, my irritibality (seriously **** this stupid ass ***** word now I'm so ***** mad that I'm not even going to bother right clicking and doing spell check this word just doesn't ***** make any goddamned sense) grew into extremely hostility and deep-seated anger (see the above parenthetical).

I'm going to switch back to EPRHA again. I mean, obviously, if I'm so incapable of dealing with even the least bit of stress without throwing a childish temper tantrum every five minutes of my life, something's wrong enough for me to need to slow down and heal whatever stupid thing is bothering me using EPRHA until I feel calm, responsible, and ***** mature enough to handle something like ASC.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-16-2015, 06:29 PM (This post was last modified: 04-16-2015 06:30 PM by Why So Serious?.)
Post: #72
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
You have switch subs quite a few times. It looks like every time you hit some resistance your ready to throw in the towel and try something new. I used to do that too and never got anywhere.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to stick to something. Don't expect this to be a quick fix and/or easy ride.

If you stick to it you will be rewarded.

Alpha Female 1 year complete
E2 6 1/2 months. To be continued
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GlaizenGold777,
04-16-2015, 08:17 PM
Post: #73
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
one of my favorite lines from a movie, which i forgot the name of:

chase two rabbits, you lose them both.

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GlaizenGold777
04-17-2015, 03:54 PM
Post: #74
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
How many others do you guys think I should run the sub for per day? Last time I ran it for at least 18 hours a day, usually closer to 21 hours a day--but lately, when I do that, I suffer from terrible migraine headaches and exhaustion when I do that.

Since I re-started this sub about 14 days ago I've been running it only 16 hours a day--I usually run it for the whole time that I'm asleep, and then I wait 8 hours (there's 24 hours in a day and 24-8 is 16) and run the sub all from then all the way through whenever I wake up the next morning.

However lately I've been noticing that in the 8 hours from when I wake up until I get to run the sub later in the day, I've been feeling like I've really been needing the sub earlier on in the day. Like today, I got into a huge horribly angry and vicious fight with my mom because I still had to wait an hour or so to run the sub before it had been 8 hours--but I was so flustered by the end of the fight that I decided I needed to run the sub a little bit earlier.

Do you think I can move up to running the sub for 18 hours a day without receiving headaches/fatigue? I definitely know that 21 hours a day is way too much for me, but for those of you who have run 5G Subliminal programs for a long time, what was your experience when running the sub for 18 hours a day?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-17-2015, 04:57 PM
Post: #75
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
If you get that when you listen too much it's a good sign to listen less. I remember experimenting in the past and I found that doing too many hours I had problems sleeping and it was like my mind was spinning trying to process and it was okay when I lessened the hours.
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GlaizenGold777
04-17-2015, 09:20 PM
Post: #76
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
i'm at 19 hours per 24 hours doing AM6, have kept it between 16-21 from the beginning. Any more than 19 hours is overkill for me, and like Benj said, head starts spinning. not in a dizzying way, but like extreme mental exhaustion and i feel like i've been up for a few days. and it starts to impact day to day life in a detrimental manner. not to mention I have to go out of my way to make sure headphones are on, and i miss out on life happening around me.

don't mistake temporary for permanent. The resistance you feel, the negative emotions that come up, all are facilitators of growth. trust me when i say you won't even remember why you were feeling that way in 72 hours. when you read your journal later, you'll be surprised that it even phased you the way it did.

Trudge through swamphell my friend. find the greenery beyond

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GlaizenGold777
04-18-2015, 05:17 PM
Post: #77
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 14

Today's the end of the my 14th day running EPRHA. Overall, outside of two small bumps where I wanted to (and tried to) change subs and decided after about an hour or two to switch back to EPRHA, I've loved my running of this sub so far.

I feel absolutely great. I don't feel stressed, or sad, or nervous, or stubborn or irritable. I feel nice and calm, happy, joyous, relaxed, and just... loose. I don't feel confident, or proud, or euphoric or unstoppable or anything like that--I don't feel alpha, or exceptionally sexy or confident or attractive or all-powerful--I just sort of feel "right" in my own skin right now. Like for the first time in a long time, I'm myself again.

Yesterday I came close to having a really, really bad day. On the car ride over to my therapist appointment, my mom really bit into me hard for not having finished school already, and I blew up at her, and we got engaged in a really awful, really angry, really loud and somewhat vicious argument. Normally, I would have gotten so angry that I would have lost all self control and done something really terrible that I would instantly regret. I came so close to smashing open the car window, or even worse--physically attacking her. She riled me up so quickly and so badly, I had never been so angry at anyone in my entire life. But instead of giving into my impulses and hurting someone or damaging something, I just took a quick breath, got out of the car as soon as we had arrived, and coolly walked away at the corner, choosing to walk a few blocks towards my doctor's office, instead of sitting in the car with her at the red light.

I was still seeing red as I was sitting in the waiting room, but as soon as I entered my therapist's office and had calmed down a bit, I was really, really proud of myself for staying as calm as I possibly could in that situation and not doing something horribe that I'd regret. I'd say I did a fantastic job (given the circumstances) of enacting good self-control, and I feel like I have to give a lot of credit for that to EPRHA.

Glad to be running this sub again. Excited to see what other changes, either temporary or permanent, this sub gives me as I go down the line of running it for longer and longer.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
04-21-2015, 07:12 AM
Post: #78
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 16

I've had a pretty good last few days. Nothing to really complain about. I haven't been on top of my homework as much as I'd like to be, but I kind of feel like that's okay. One thing I've been noticing so far about this sub that I'm really liking is how I never feel overwhelmed or overly stressed about things. No matter what's been happening to me, I've been staying positive and optimistic, and I've actually been noticing how much better the world can be to you when you do that.

So far these past two and a half weeks have been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. My life plans keep on fluctuating nearly day-to-day because of various good/bad emails/discussions with various professors or with my academic advisors, but I've been staying really positive, as best as I can, throughout all of the good news and the bad news, and I'm starting to notice that when I do stay positive and upbeat, and try to do everything I can to turn the bad news into good news, it's been working for me.

Normally, if I received bad news, like, "You're going to fail my class", I would basically just curl up in a ball, sit around and do nothing about it for the rest of the semester, before quietly crawling to my advisor last minute to withdraw from the course instead of receiving the F that I know I'm going to get.

Now, I've been fighting for my grades with every tooth and nail of my body. I've been emailing professors, staying proactive, trying to finally graduate as soon as I possibly can, and it's been working for me. I realize that by fighting for my grades, I'm inviting an impossible amount of stress onto my shoulders. I realize that in these next few weeks, the pressure and the workload is going to get practically unbearable. But I don't care anymore. I'm not phased by this. No longer are the days when I curl up into a ball and pray for all of my problems and stress to go away--because that never, ever happens, I'm starting to realize. Whenever I've had a problem in school, or in life, I've always instantly felt like I could never overcome it, and I just needed to give up right away so as to avoid further stress for myself down the line, because I knew that I couldn't handle that kind of emotional and mental pressure.

But no longer. I'm going into the end of the semester with my chin held high. I know that I've got a tremendous support network of friends and family who only want to see me do well, and I know that I can lean on them for help when I need it. I know that I've got professors at my school who really do care and who want to help me pass, and I know that even though most of the brunt of the pressure will be on me, I don't care, because for the first time in a long time, I feel a strong sense of faith in myself, and most importantly:

I have no doubts about myself, or my ability to get through this all in one piece, with my diploma in my hand, ready to FINALLY start the next great chapter of my incredible life.

I'm only 16 days into the sub and I already feel all of that. I'm progressing way more quickly with EPRHA this time around than I did last time. And it's great.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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eternity, Why So Serious?, Shannon, GlaizenGold777
04-27-2015, 11:19 AM
Post: #79
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Yesterday I had a major emotional meltdown that resulted in me alienating all of my closest family and friends and put me in a state where I was almost suicidal.

I've realized that this sub does absolutely nothing but bring up bad, negative emotions to the surface after prolonged usage and I can't risk having a severe psychological meltdown when I'm so close to finishing school altogether. I'm fine, and I'm not at risk of hurting myself in any way, but the sub simply reminds me of all of the things that's wrong with me and does nothing to address or fix them in any way. I have an appointment to see my psychologist this friday and an appointment to see a psychiatrist on Thursday to get some medical treatment for depression.

My biggest advice to people with *real* emotional problems as opposed to minor self-doubting ones would be to seek out professional medical help and not even consider using this sub at all while being treated, as it will bring up all of your negative psychological flaws while using it in an ill-fated attempt to try and treat them. My best advice would be to get professional help for your emotional problems while using a different, life-IMPROVING sub (read: NOT a sub that fixes or heals but instead one that adds or improves) in conjunction with real psychological treatment hand-in-hand to gain a better version of yourself.

I'm going to start running Alpha Male again because the EPRHA sub is pointless for me to use as the only emotional scars I have are deep, troubling ones that only real medicine can help treat.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777, DisneylandUSA
04-27-2015, 01:14 PM
Post: #80
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
you do realize that AM has eprha in it, don't you? if anything AM will be even more intense than your current experience.

stage 1 AM for me (could be different in you) brought up to surface all the non-alpha traits that I have, and it made me WELL aware of them. I also relived some hardcore memories that are huge contributions to guilt and shame.

I can't convince you anything, but I can only help you reflect.

don't mistake temporary for permanent buddy.

"don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle", they always tell me....

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