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A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
08-14-2017, 06:35 PM
Post: #121
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
I explored those feelings last night, and ended up sleeping 13 hours which I needed.

While exploring it I realized that it is actually LESS loving to both me and her to not set that boundary. Because for example not doing that in the past has lead to things just self destructing because I wasn't able to set it and realized that I needed to.

Felt clearer today, I hesitated for a few hours but sent her a message basically saying "I can understand that, it's just that every day can be a bit much. Sometimes when I don't feel like I have the space I can shut down. Of course I want to still talk to you but I want to be open about these things".

Amount of times i've sent anyone a message in this way, of both expressing that but also understanding and reassuring them. I'd say after today.. about once. Big Grin

So that's cool to be able to do that. Now I just have to explore the fear of getting a bad reaction doing something like this, because I sent it, felt good about it but this fear is coming up about the reply back possibly abusing me. Not likely, but you know.. fear isn't logical.

The other thing at the moment... the best way I can explain it is that i'm a little confused.

I've had this whole thing overshadowing me my whole life. Now i'm feeling different but i'm confused. The healing is still happening and not all the way there obviously.. but it's like having made this big progress to dealing with those wounded feelings and taking the step I did it's kind of like "****.. I don't have to worry about this all the time now, it was something that would take up my thoughts and my time so much.. and now what do I even do with myself?".

I also am seeing the last few days my desire to do the 'work' that i've been doing on Inner Bonding and such is lessening more again.

And the other thing is that when that feeling of being smothered was coming up and I was feeling how I was last night.. my thoughts briefly turned to "run away from my mum" and "go and be with some girls".

So residual parts are still there. But when it come up it was just passing, it wasn't sitting there obsessing like I used to.

In the end we all naturally want to connect with others and at some point it is that natural desire and that's fine. It's just sorting between when my desire is that natural desire vs still possibly some of my old coping mechanism.
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Duke.Togo, Darkness, Have at ye, Mr. Anderson, ichigo
08-15-2017, 04:37 AM (This post was last modified: 08-15-2017 04:39 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #122
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
After posting that I realized that it's a good idea to start exploring what I want to do from here. Like what do I want to do and the direction I want to go in. I started 'future authoring' which I read about a while ago, but I found it hard to focus for long so i'll do it over a few days.

I'm still finding myself incredibly tired, with no energy, fatigued.. for no apparent reason. My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.

I'm also seeing a tendency to just want to sleep more, or not get up in the morning.. kind of related to the whole 'what the **** do I do now' thing. And i'm noticing i'm more hungry the last few days.

There's a feeling that I can grow from this point more effectively.. but also not really any drive to do so.

Which leads me to wonder.. how much of my drive to do certain things was related to wanting attention from girls, wanting to be with girls and such.. also combined with the pain of deep abandonment, rejection, etc that I was holding onto? How much of this pain seemed to give me something to run away from by doing all kinds of things that now it's lessened alot it feels like there's just no point to most things.

2 things that I was obsessing with so much, in my awareness mainly girls and sex and barely being able to focus on much else.. but below that I guess the abandonment I wasn't always aware of or thinking of.. now significantly weaker which leads to a strange feeling of loss. Alot of sadness earlier which in the end I explored it and it seemed to be grief.

One disturbing thing is that thinking about girls, it's not only not really caring, but today thoughts of not even wanting to bother with girls like it's too much effort or something and that it just doesn't matter, combine that with my sex drive being seemingly non existent is making me wonder what's going on.

Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.

Seriously my feeling right now is that I could goto bed now and just sleep all night and all day tomorrow. I really don't know what's going on, but I hope it passes soon so I can get clarity.
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08-15-2017, 08:55 AM
Post: #123
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
You've just been though a massive life change, having contacted your mother. You'd be surprised how much an event like that can exhaust the mind. There's a scale for life events, and the amount of stress they cause. Even positive life events like marriage, buying a house, and having a baby affect a person - as much as a death in the family, divorce, etc. Meeting your birth family and everything that comes with that is hhhhyyyyyooooooge.
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08-15-2017, 09:21 AM
Post: #124
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
(08-15-2017 04:37 AM)Benjamin Wrote:  [...] My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.[...]

[...]Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.[...]

I get the same sensation of tiredness behind the eyes every now and again, too.

The other thing - I have experienced the same. It is like a sense of loss - even when the thing being "lost" is something completely unnecessary and it's better to be rid of it. I think that it is an ego thing - something that has always been used by you to define "you" (even if but subconsciously - and in a negative, unproductive way) is now gone/being removed and thus may result in something resembling grief (like RTBoss pointed out); one hell of a huge change is taking place, and now "you" is in a state of flux. That is why change can, by its very nature, be scary, I guess.

I'm pretty sure it will sort itself out in time Smile Keep rocking.
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SargeMaximus, Benjamin
08-15-2017, 05:18 PM
Post: #125
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Quote:You've just been though a massive life change, having contacted your mother. You'd be surprised how much an event like that can exhaust the mind. There's a scale for life events, and the amount of stress they cause. Even positive life events like marriage, buying a house, and having a baby affect a person - as much as a death in the family, divorce, etc. Meeting your birth family and everything that comes with that is hhhhyyyyyooooooge.

Thanks man, I didn't even consider that. In my mind it's like "but it's positive, why am I so drained". It also might make sense that for that whole day, though i'm usually quiet in groups I talked almost non stop for like 5 hours. So much opening up more than i'm used to, would make sense that drained me too.

Quote:I get the same sensation of tiredness behind the eyes every now and again, too.

Interesting, it's also similar to the feeling of if i've had too much coffee. Sometimes when i've released something the feelings comes up to.

Quote:The other thing - I have experienced the same. It is like a sense of loss - even when the thing being "lost" is something completely unnecessary and it's better to be rid of it. I think that it is an ego thing - something that has always been used by you to define "you" (even if but subconsciously - and in a negative, unproductive way) is now gone/being removed and thus may result in something resembling grief (like RTBoss pointed out); one hell of a huge change is taking place, and now "you" is in a state of flux. That is why change can, by its very nature, be scary, I guess.

Oh yes.. definately. That makes alot of sense.

Even if something is negative like the abandonment and rejection. I've been so used to it that it feels wrong without it. Well I wouldn't say it's completely gone, but i've made massive progress.

Seems I was onto something when I explored the sadness yesterday then thought "actually, maybe this is some kind of grief".
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RTBoss, Have at ye
08-15-2017, 05:23 PM
Post: #126
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Had the intuition to test the amount of loops with sway testing again last night.

Now 6 loops a night.

This is interesting, but it seems that the more i've healing stuff the more the amount of loops is going up.

I increased it to 6 last night and today I feel way better than yesterday. I'm not bursting with energy or anything but I don't have the big fatigued feelings and sadness I had yesterday.

Tuesday 15/8/17 - Increased DMSI 3.1A to 6 loops as per sway test.
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RTBoss
08-16-2017, 08:26 AM
Post: #127
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Hey Ben, just wanted to stop by and say your journal is really inspiring. It's been giving me the strength to dig deeper into my own issues and practice being more emotionally honest with myself.
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Benjamin
08-16-2017, 04:52 PM
Post: #128
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Thanks man, glad you're getting something from it. It's definately a big period of growth for me.
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08-16-2017, 06:05 PM (This post was last modified: 08-16-2017 06:08 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #129
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Seems like 6 loops is shifting something. I mentioned that I had little desire for girls or anything, well last night I had like 3 or 4 sex type dreams.. I kind of had a wet dream but it wasn't 'wet'.. i've noticed that a few times during DMSI.

And today I have some desire again. I'm not sure whether to follow it or not yet as I feel like I need more time to integrate things and keep working on the remaining abandonment type feelings.

Then I had the thought of "Am I possibly causing myself other issues by when these desires are coming up by saying no basically and kind of judging myself for it".

I did notice on the weekend when I went to the zoo atleast I was just enjoying the attraction and enjoying looking at them with less need to get anything. Though all this week i've barely been anywhere, and where I did go monday there was mainly guys.

I'm still working on the abandonment, rejection and such.. which definately isn't the same intensity.

The other thing I was thinking about when I woke up, that without girls or abandonment or whatever to think about.. is that why i've been obsessing about some other things a bit much? Like "oh shit i've gotta have something to worry about if that's gone".

And also exploring a new part.. that I can't feel that much or really find much intensity, but I know it's there. And that's basically feeling bad for being a man due to all the bs in society, ubringing, media and whatever. I assume part of that is also connected to the abandonment issues which might be why I can't find alot of it, though I did find some. Or that it's not yet coming up.

The thought along with that is being unsure how not knowing who my dad is and him not being there when I was born and such has had an effect.

So something is telling me to explore that more.

Actually, interesting.. I just did some exploration on it and now i'm feeling a slight feeling of emptiness around my solar plexus, so it's like it brought something up that I wasn't aware of.
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08-17-2017, 12:29 AM (This post was last modified: 08-17-2017 01:20 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #130
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Dealing with this stuff i'm noticing certain 'advice' is retarded. I was getting emails from a guy who talks about success and masculinity and such.

His last email was saying how good con artists are and talking them up like they are something to aspire to with advice on how to do so.

Then today he had a post 'advice for your 30s' and it seriously said 'forgiveness is weakness and is a feminine trait, you may aswell put a dress on'.

What a ***** idiot.. and he's projecting ***** and his own anger and issues onto his followers telling them that.

Too bad that forgiveness is something that is moving me forward and make me feel even stronger within myself.

Unsubscribed from his shit and not going back.

Edit: On another note, since I did some exploring around being uncomfortable with being a man, masculinity and such i've noticed i've been less understanding and a bit more 'edgy' today.

Also noticing that working on letting go of some of that feeling bad for being a man and such.. that a slight bit of the old obsession about girls is coming up.

I assume that may be related to the emptiness feeling I found when I started exploring it.
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08-17-2017, 02:10 AM (This post was last modified: 08-17-2017 02:16 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #131
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Looks like i've reached a deeper level of the core wounded emotions.

Though i'm feeling better since a few days ago, i'm still a little confused. Knowing there's 'something' there but not really having much come up.

After dialoguing i'm still being told to mainly focus on the core emotions such as abandonment, rejection and such.

Then I explored that and found some new intensity. The difference is that before I was mainly working on all the feelings of rejection from other people i've had in my life, which was pretty intense and painful.

Today what come up was "rejection of myself". Which I can see is the next level below that. And it definately goes along with the whole 'holding onto something and projecting it out onto the world'.

I even just looked back through my list of things i've been exploring and it confirms it, it seems all the work I was doing on painful feelings of rejection were mainly what I felt being rejected by others and this seems to be the first time I found "rejection of myself".

I'd say that's progress. In the end Inner Bonding says it comes down to how you're treating yourself.. so I can see the progression here.

But the thing is I couldn't directly access it and goto it and skip the feelings of rejection from others, it seems I had to confront that, deal with it for this to come up.

Still thinking more about girls than in a few weeks, i'd say that has to do with these new feelings coming up. But some of it could also be 6 loops kicking in and bringing up motivation to be with girls, especially with the 3 or 4 dreams about sex last night.

While it's tempting to change my journal to 'A Journey To WhoReness'. There's still these wounded emotions to deal with.
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08-17-2017, 08:41 PM
Post: #132
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
There's also always, "A Journey to Whole Whoreness." Idea
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08-17-2017, 08:46 PM
Post: #133
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
I didn't think of that option.. or even "Whole Whoredness" instead of "Whole Heartedness". Big Grin
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RTBoss
08-17-2017, 08:57 PM (This post was last modified: 08-17-2017 09:00 PM by Benjamin.)
Post: #134
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Definately have a range of other things coming up.

Now it seems mainly around the focus of whatever emptiness and issues it's caused not knowing who my dad is, and in this case likely never finding out.

It's bringing up alot of the same emotions like rejection, being picked on and such but it's of a different quality, I can't really explain. I discovered another feeling connected it it all around being picked on, and that's the feeling of embarassment and fear of embarassment.

And doing a little work around that lead me to goto facebook and delete another 5 or so people.

Also my dream last night goes along with what is coming up today and what i'm exploring. I was out somewhere in my car, and 2 guys who were the people who picked on me and beat me up the most in school were there.

They just got in my car and I went to get them out, they were trying to intimidate me and stuff and the one who was the worst I just started laying into, while the other guy just stood and watched. I woke up while it was happening but I was kind of in a zone where I imagined the end of it was me choking him out.

Then today I noticed an anxiety coming up when thinking about going out that I haven't felt for a while, and I traced that to the embarassment around being picked on for every little thing especially if I did just a little thing wrong and how that is affecting me socially now.

I'm not exactly sure why it felt like i'd dealt with most of these feelings and now all the same feelings are back but now seem centered around my dad and are of a slightly different quality.

When I was dealing with stuff around my mum, even last week I really thought "I don't care about my dad, this is fine, it doesn't affect me". But turns out I was wrong and there is definately stuff around it that I wasn't aware of until now.

Working on this stuff around being a man, I am noticing i'm closing off a little again. I don't know if it's due to stuff coming up or that maybe in my mind I feel being open and expressive is feminine.. or what it is. And i'm also noticing slightly more aggressive thoughts where for the last few weeks i've really been in 'understanding' for most things, seeing where others are coming from and such. I assume it will balance itself out in the end, because I really like the expressiveness and openness, but I also want that to be coming from a place of strength.
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08-19-2017, 12:57 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2017 12:58 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #135
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
Went out last night with a new friend, and for probably the first time ever I actually went out and enjoyed it without specifically looking for girls. Just chatted to people, hung out, I did talk to a few girls but just when it come up.. but I wasn't sitting there obsessing about it.

That was good. I don't really feel like typing long reports about going out anymore.

And now today the neediness for girls is at a high.. more than in a while atleast. A whole new wave of anger at girls come up too. I even went and looking at a few dating sites which made all those feelings worse.

And then I checked how long it had been. It feels like a very long time but it's only been 5 weeks since I decided I was taking a break from girls.

I can't just seem to relax and focus on something else.. all these thoughts of needing them, frustration and such welling up in my body.

I was trying not to do too much today, some days I go into these feelings more times but yesterday I did a pretty intense process so i've just done the normal amount i'd do today.

But sitting here I keep being drawn to do so.. i'll just see where it leads me then.
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08-19-2017, 04:28 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2017 04:28 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #136
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
I'm glad I kept exploring, I found something else under those feelings and explored it. During it I got really relaxed and nearly fell asleep.

Then I went and deleted a ton of games off my pc that i'd installed and were just sitting there and i'd just keep them though I never played them much and likely won't play most of them again.

I've never seen my steam games list so small.

Felt alot better after that.

The healing seems to be going to alot more stuff than expected, at the moment it seems to come up in force again when I think of going back to being with girls and look at dating sites, alot of stuff comes up.. like tonight, and then I go back to dealing with that. Where before when I didn't know better I could still be with girls with all this shit running in the background, now i'm confronting it.

The temporary frustration, that in the longer term will be a positive. I'm finally understanding the meaning of DMSI healing 'everything' in the way. Like it seems it's not just going to 'ok that's good enough to be with some girls'... it's like 'let's deal with everything'.

In the long run, a good thing. Short term.. some frustration.

But that's ok. The things that are happening recently are well worth that.
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08-21-2017, 03:54 AM
Post: #137
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
(Yesterdays post that I had in my offline journal)

Interesting day. Went to a market in a town 40 minutes away.

When I got to the town, I seriously thought I was going to shut down. I was allowing myself to feel something that was coming up while driving and started to get really tired. I identified it as a sign the tiredness was trying to get me to stop looking at whatever it was. I got to the town and felt myself shutting down a bit, and I couldn't even remember where the market was and was getting frustrated. I got there in the end and felt a little better when I got out of my car, but still just felt off.. feeling like I just couldn't enjoy myself and couldn't stop thinking about girls.

I went to the toilet and let myself feel it, did one of the processes i've been doing. Felt more relaxed, started walking around again and then when I wasn't even thinking about it, just looking at stuff I went to a stall.

A girl on the stall started talking to me, and mentioned EMDR.. and I shared with her what had been happening with me recently and she was telling me what she had been going through.. and I was like "how funny is this, in this market with so many people we just come across each other". She showed me a video and wanted my number and she took me to her car to get her phone and listen to some rap songs with similar meaning to what we were talking about.

I don't know if she was keen or not, taking a guy to your car like that and us sitting in it together isn't exactly normal behaviour. I wasn't that attracted to her.. she's passable. BUT.. she said her bf is in jail, he was a drug dealer, that they met smoking meth together and such.. and were in it until recently. And she said she did EMDR and it's amazing, and he did too and doesn't do drugs anymore. She also went on about the cops harassing her for nothing... which is rare to happen innocently, so that makes me all suss. The drug stuff and her smoking were a big turnoff but she was cool.

I genuinely wanted to talk to her and share as hear about what she had to say cos she had some good perspectives and I genuinely wasn't interested in ***** her. I mean I might do so if the opportunity come up but don't really care.

She's been messaging me all day, she messaged me like 'you've definately got a friend in me, and (her bf) when he's out' 'were friends now btw' 'I think we were meant to meet today' 'when (bf) gets out we will have to catch up' telling me i'm amazing and such.

I want people that are like minded yes.. and she had some good insight. But all the drug stuff and the cops 'harassing' her.. i'm not keen to get involved in that shit. And she's one of those really full on, intense people and that's something that drains me.. I felt drained after talking to her and had to get away to recover my energy.

I didn't even see most of the market cos when we went back it was packing up.

Then went to the shopping centre, went into a shoe shop and the girl come and asked if I wanted help. I started talking to her and she stayed for a fair while talking. Went to check if there was customers and come back.

Got her number, she's like "I don't usually give out my number to random guys but you're cool and funny".

I thought of the best comeback after and wish I had said "I don't usually give my number out to random guys either."

Been messaging her a little too.. she told me she went on a date with this guy who was 34 and in his car he put Justin Bieber on hahaha.. and how much she hates his music.

So I sent her a topless photo of Bieber and told her I thought i'd message her so she had my number and send her a nice photo of her hero.. while laughing my ass off.

I'm mainly just still messaging her because she's cool. I just went for it though in my mind i'm like "oh yeah i'm not being with girls another month or so". So at this point i'm not really trying to do anything with it.
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Dr. Strangelove
08-21-2017, 04:03 AM (This post was last modified: 08-21-2017 04:06 AM by Benjamin.)
Post: #138
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
It's becoming a little more challenging to not be with girls, especially since it seems DMSI is kicking in more since 6 loops. Sex drive has started to come back too.

At the gym when I was warming up on the bike I was watching a girl stretching, well there was 2 but I liked 1 and went to talk to her. She reacted pretty well but then all of a sudden quickly got up, put her mat away and walked off. Which on the surface might not seem good. But i'd say it was nervousness.

Because a few minutes later she was leaving, walked past and had this big smile when I looked at her. She couldn't seem to make eye contact but the smile started as soon as I looked at her. And when she turned the corner and I looked again another big smile.

Then I was pissed off I didn't say anything again. Mainly in my mind I found it weird how she got up so quickly.. but the smiles mean I am probably right that she was just nervous.

I was thinking about her stretching when sitting at home after the gym and getting turned on. That doesn't usually happen too much. When I have sex drive I feel more 'alive' in general.. but alot of the time it's not really there. In some ways it seems to have reduced during DMSI, that's possibly the conflict with the sexual performance thing or something.

Usually it starts coming up, then short circuits.. especially if I start feeling it in public, some kind of fear has come up in the past and derailed it. Hopefully it starts to be different.

The shoe shop girl replied today and was like "Sorry I didn't reply last night, when I got home I couldn't find my phone charger."

As if.. no girl doesn't know where her charger or phone is. But unlike in the past I just laughed at it and gave her crap by sending back "Yeah sometimes it's hard to find things, like today I couldn't find my pants before the gym, some people were quite shocked but others were way more friendly than usual". Big Grin

Just that is good, as in the past i'd get a bs excuse and i'd get so angry. It felt so much better to just laugh about it and give her some shit.

I got the impression she would keep messaging so tonight I just told her I was gonna go relax to stop it for now. I'm not chasing it up or going for it.. I guess she might find that unusual. I was mainly just enjoying talking to her.

I guess if a girl goes for it and there's the opportunity I might not say no. But for now i'm giving it around 3 more weeks of not being with girls.
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08-21-2017, 08:12 PM
Post: #139
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
It sucks how deep truama can go.

I went down the street today, I had this feeling of power briefly, standing up straight. But behind it was something else.. I just felt blocked in talking to people even in shops, and I also seemed to be intimidating people.

I was allowing myself to feel it and eventually it went to having a sore and cloudy head which is a familiar feeling from the past. I used to get it bad, and as I discovered during E2 it was connected to truama.

I come home and dialogued on it. And it seems the cloudy headed feeling is hiding a huge amount of fear behind it and i'm afraid to feel that as I feel like I can't handle it. And connected to that is fear of death or getting seriously hurt and that if I let go of this fear i'll be complacent and get hurt. And it's connected again to when I got attacked with an axe.

Then connecting with my higher self the guidance I got that in fact it's the opposite, holding onto the fear is NOT protecting me at all, in fact it's more dangerous for me and holding onto it will make me find bad situations hoping that this time i'll finally be able to deal with it. But it won't help and all that will is feeling it and making peace with it.

And it seems that doing more PSTEC on it will help. I'll sway test that.. but i've found the things that the dialoguing have told me have so far been useful. And when I did PSTEC on parts of that truama in the past I got to not staying at girls places for years after it to being able to now.

So again I risk more derailment of DMSI.. but holding the priority of really healing this stuff i'll wear that. I'll sway test it too and see.
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08-21-2017, 09:42 PM (This post was last modified: 08-21-2017 09:46 PM by LionKing.)
Post: #140
RE: A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)
I got into reading the inner bonding boon again. Seems really good. (Last time I only got to about 15% and forgot about - I guess it wasn't the time.) When doing it, do you actively try to switch roles when answering and asking questions? To go into your stomach and feel it like a child would, then answer from that, then kinda switch to a more adult perspective.. Or do you just ask and wait until you get a feeling as an answer?

Sucks what you wrote, but at least if you found it now, then that's progress, which means you have control. I was feeling overwhelmed at work yesterday, then got to asking about it, and spent the rest of the evening thinking that I feel inadequate and helpless in a lot of situations, and that I'm usually quite angry to myself if I start feeling "weak". Kinda like daddy yo. Love the new perspective.

Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
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