Life Tune-Up - Effects Diary

[Tigerlilly]

Over the last two years, the inherent challenges of a leaving a successful business career of over 10 years to pursue a creative endeavor which will bring me greater joy in the long term, have significantly lowered the areas of my life targeted by the Life Tune-Up program.

I tend to take the road less traveled. If there is an easy way, I’ll take the harder way. I often don’t consciously make these decisions. I don’t regret taking the harder way, but it isn’t often necessary. In my continued path for self-improvement I seek to discover inventive and holistic methods to assist me on my path and in reaching my goals. Having recently come across Apex Empowerment I am intrigued by the potential Shannon Matteson’s programs offer.

With summer ahead, generally a fun and happy time for all, a little Life Tune-Up to boost my positive thinking/attitude, happiness & joy, self respect/image/discipline/esteem/worth/control and peace and serenity seemed appropriate.

My intention is to write daily, logging emotional and physical effects, for the first 32 days. Good test for self-discipline, which should improve with this program and I generally lack anyway – LOL!

Night 1 – 8 hours; Ultrasonic Subliminal (Silent); (“USS”); Headphones
Spent the night at my good friend’s house ‘cause I didn’t really want to spend the night alone. Forgot what it was like to wake up with the sun (large windows that face east) slept like a rock with headphones. Woke up feeling good, refreshed, and strangely calm given the circumstances of this week (romantic break-up; permanence unknown).

Night 2 – 6 hours; Masked Subliminal (Ocean) (“MSO”); Speakers
I’m a water baby, I like the ocean sounds and find them very calming. Strange dreams. I wonder if placing my ipod on the alarm clock deck (volume increased) is more or less effective for the subliminal input. Sleeping without headphones is easier, but the effects of my first night of use seemed greater. Speakers v. headphones – will continue dialog about these effects.

Night 3 – 8 hours; MSO; Speakers
I’m not a morning person. Always sluggish and feeling like I’m not really part of the world yet. Sometimes waking up cranky for no reason. That happened today. I woke up angry – GRRRRRRR! What’s that about???? Where are the positive vibes today??? No, I’m not hormonal. Yes, I’ll admit it when I am. Still, I’ve been cranky all day, ICK!!!! I SHOULD GO FOR A RUN! Maybe that will help. “Bad Attitude Girl” needs to take a hike, she’s outstayed her welcome today!

More strange dreams; I’m going to need to write earlier so that I can recount the dream events more clearly. I usually remember my dreams, not sure why I’m having trouble remembering them for the last two nights (we all dream all the time but most don’t remember it.) My dreams are most often very, very colorful. I learn many things in my dreams; my intuition in the past has be incredibly good, sometimes even a bit disconcerting, delivering information I sometimes would rather not know though more often than not the information is helpful. I have found you don’t get a choice in what you are receiving and whether or not you want to know. Wonder if my intuition will improve with attitude? In the last 5 years my intuition (while dreaming) has not been very active. Continuing a dialog on dreams may be interesting; will try it out for a bit.

[Andrew]

(06-14-2010 03:22 PM)Tigerlilly Wrote:  Night 3 – 8 hours; MSO; Speakers
I’m not a morning person. Always sluggish and feeling like I’m not really part of the world yet. Sometimes waking up cranky for no reason. That happened today. I woke up angry – GRRRRRRR! What’s that about???? Where are the positive vibes today??? No, I’m not hormonal. Yes, I’ll admit it when I am. Still, I’ve been cranky all day, ICK!!!! I SHOULD GO FOR A RUN! Maybe that will help. “Bad Attitude Girl” needs to take a hike, she’s outstayed her welcome today!

Tigerlilly, enjoying your journal, keep it up!

Just wanted to comment-you may have seen me comment this before on other posts but I can't emphasize this enough. The most powerful effect of subliminals I've found is when the mind is missing something, or could use a little more to achieve the result (for me bodybuilding) it will come to me in small moments of genius. This morning I woke up and discovered the missing link to the bodybuilding program I've been designing the last few months (while using the current bodybuilding one). I could have disregarded this series of signals and continued my studies but I went ahead and explored it a bit.

I have had the best results from subliminals by acting upon those little signals, or little suggestions that something should be done a certain way or a different tool is needed. When you said "I SHOULD GO FOR A RUN!" that looks like a very important signal. It's taken me some time, but after starting to act on those little cue's I've increased my success with not only subliminals but, well...everything.

Best of fortune and keep us updated!

[WildFlower]

Hi, Tigerlilly. I recognise the name, are you the same PheroTalk Tigerlilly? Either way, it's good to see you here!

Going through a break up is never easy, so I feel for you. My last break up was very painful and even once the major storm had blown over, little after-storms kept occurring. I used the specific 'getting over relationships' sub from this very place here, and within two weeks I had completely let go - kept the memories but disconnected from the emotion. If you can afford to, you may want to try that title for a little while. If not I'm sure you'll do well with Life Tune-Up. It was one of the titles I considered using before the Alpha sub.

About waking up cranky ... a year back I owned one subliminal from this company, and several from another. I noticed that the effects from Shannon's subliminal where more quickly felt, obvious and powerful yet I stuck mostly to the other Subs. The reason was because Shannon's subs disrupted my sleep (because they where working lol, and the others weren't.) Incidentally I'm currently exploring Shannon's Brainwave Entertainment products, so I've been doing a bit of reading on line about the various brain waves and their cycles. What is probably happening with the crankiness is that because you are not use to the Subliminal it is disrupting your sleep and causing you to wake up while your brain waves are predominantly in Theta. The subliminal probably brought you out of your sleep before you where ready to wake up. The goods news is that with consistency you'll quickly get use to using the sub at night and have no further problems with disrupted sleepy or crankiness.

I look forward to seeing you progress and succeed with Life Tune-Up .

[Shannon]

(06-14-2010 03:22 PM)Tigerlilly Wrote:  More strange dreams; I’m going to need to write earlier so that I can recount the dream events more clearly. I usually remember my dreams, not sure why I’m having trouble remembering them for the last two nights (we all dream all the time but most don’t remember it.) My dreams are most often very, very colorful. I learn many things in my dreams; my intuition in the past has be incredibly good, sometimes even a bit disconcerting, delivering information I sometimes would rather not know though more often than not the information is helpful. I have found you don’t get a choice in what you are receiving and whether or not you want to know. Wonder if my intuition will improve with attitude? In the last 5 years my intuition (while dreaming) has not been very active. Continuing a dialog on dreams may be interesting; will try it out for a bit.

Commenting on your intuition comments, I agree wholeheartedly; I have found that genuine psychic insights are rarely what I want to know (unless I focus on them), and often more than I want to know (or inappropriate information) about someone or something. (Visions of things I'd rather not see, sometimes.) And like you, I find them more or less very useful.

By the way, I have not forgotten about you, but I am having a hard time finding time to work recently, so I'll be writing your answer a second time (the first one disappeared) and sending it to you.

I recall that some of the answer was that all but the Hypersleep are Type B, and should be okay used together, but I recommend a maximum of three at a time; Life Tune-Up should be very good for you, but if you need help handling the pain of breaking up, Wildflower has a good point.

I have to run, but I'll be back. Than you for joining the forum, and giving us a woman's perspective. I look forward to reading more from you.

[Tigerlilly]

Thanks for your comments Wildflower. I suspected that the subliminals had something to do with my crankiness, but chalked it up more to resistance to the scripts rather than brains waves. I am also beginning to wonder if using the silent script is better for me when sleeping. The mornings after using in the ultrasonic mode I experience much less crankiness than those when using the masked mode. Does it matter if I use headphones or speakers?

With respect to the relationship, I'm not sure I want to let go yet which is certainly contributing to my crankiness. I tend to hold onto these things until my fingers bleed and the pain is so unbearable I can't take it anymore. Tenacity is a trait I possess in great quantity but does not always work in my favor. My unwillingness to let go emotional is most likely counterproductive behavior to the scripts being received from Life T-U. This could possibly be contributing to the crankiness as well.

I was unable to find the exact title you specify "Getting Over Relationships" though there are other that seem similar. Just the thought of having to let go is enough to bring me to tears at this juncture, but I'll definitely consider this option.

Again, thanks for your input. Most valuable!

Oh, yeah, not the same Tigerlilly. This is my only forum.

[Shannon]

Use speakers whenever possible.

[Tigerlilly]

Monday, June 14, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #4 – 6 hours; “USS”; Headphones

---

Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Night #5 – 6 hours; “USS”; Headphones
Day Listening – 2 hours
“Bad Attitude Girl” seems to have taken up permanent residence. It’s irritating to be irritated upon waking. How’s that for a catch 22?
Convinced myself to put my sneakers on and went for a 1 mile run. Barley made it the mile. I haven’t gone for a run in over a year, but I’m reading the book “Spark” by John J. Ratey, MD, and his work in brain science in connection with exercise is fascinating as well as motivating. My daily grad school obligations have all but eliminated any exercise from my life. This book is reminding me of the importance exercise, and not just because I want to stay in shape. “Spark” impresses upon it’s reader that physical exercise is more important for your brain than you body.
I spent my day running errands, which can typically be stressful getting from one place to the next. I did not find myself excessively impatient while navigating traffic, which is not always the case. I did however receive an e-mail that was most unpleasant and somewhat unexpected.

Listened to Tune-Up for an hour or so, but spent much of the day spinning in my head about how/if I should respond to the e-mail.

A mini flood in my apartment distracted me from my spinning for a while, and I was actually laughing at the ridiculous amount of water pouring into my apt. because of a crazy rain storm while I tried to sop up the water. At least I can laugh about something.

---

Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #6 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
Added Overcome Procrastination and Let Go Of Past Relationships to my listening playlist.
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Bad Attitude girl was present again upon waking up. GRRR
Immediately put on my sneakers and went for a 1 mile run.
Came home and fell into a tear storm about not wanting to let go of the relationship and worries that the summer hiatus may not help (or hinder for that matter) what I thought our story would be (enforced by the formal, business like email I received the previous day.)

Attended a meeting with a number of professionals working in the field of my studies presenting me with an opportunity to meet network and connect with people who are willing to provide input on my research project. It went incredibly well! The individuals I connected with were incredibly receptive to my project and many were willing to make themselves available for additional input.

Overall, a good day but still sad about the relationship woes.

---

Thursday, June 17, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #7 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Crazy Dreams last night; too many to recount. Most dreams had groups of many people. Perhaps a subtle hint that it may be time to reconnect with all the friends I’ve missed this last school year? Adding some fun in my life for the summer is a good idea!
Bad Attitude Girl was FINALLY not present when waking up today. Lots of things to do today, slept in far too long – until noon! – though clearly I needed the rest. Old habits die hard, and I keep staying up until 2-3 am then sleep too late. Gotta stop this crazy habit. Such beautiful weather being wasted while I sleep. Tonight, once again, I’ll try to get myself into bed before midnight!
Off to a concert later with friends, but not before I began 3 three separate projects now lying on my kitchen floor! Including trying to program my new heart rate monitor. According to Dr. Ratey, and mentioned in his book “Spark”, the optimum heart rate for exercise to effect the brain one must reach 85% of their maximum heart rate. I’ve also read his book, “A Users Guide to the Brain” and found that to be another great read. It was suggested the chapters be re-arranged, so you get to the meat of the book first, then all the explanations. Helpful suggestion from my perspective, otherwise I may have gotten bored with all the scientific jargon! I started with Chapter 9, then Chapter 8, then Chapters 1-7, and Finally Chapter 10 for all you curious folks.

The ADD procrastinator strikes again! Putting things off then starting too many projects at once. Maybe an early morning tomorrow will help me clean up the mess I’ve just made – LOL!

Attended an outdoor concert with some friends and enjoyed a beautiful evening. I remained upbeat all day. Today I feel more like my old self than I have in quite some time.

[Shannon]

Perhaps Bad Grrrl attitude is caused by not getting enough sleep?

[Tigerlilly]

(06-19-2010 10:01 AM)Shannon Wrote:  Perhaps Bad Grrrl attitude is caused by not getting enough sleep?

You are correct. Lack of sleep is a direct and significant contributor to the frequency and intensity of "Bad Attitude Girl's" appearance.

Lack of sleep became a problem in the 2nd yr. of grad school. There were many times that I did not sleep for periods that would range anywhere from 24 + hours, once staying up 78 hours straight. This is behavior that must change. I am unable to cope emotionally when I have been up for these ridiculous lengths of time. I had been resistant to the notion that it was effecting me so dramatically, but now I see that these times directly correlate to specific "melt downs" or "freak outs" within the romantic relationship in addition to an inability to make clear decisions on projects negatively effecting the final results.

Time for a new leaf, new school year, and new attitude! Most importantly, time for me to take better care of myself!

---

Friday, June 18, 2010
Day Listening – 5 hours
Night #8 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

The dreams just keep coming! Again, so many I don’t think I want to remember all the specifics. Slept late again, did not get myself to bed at goal time. Try again tonight! Slightly cranky today when getting up. Thankfully it did not last long. Intended to run first thing, but didn’t get to it until 7pm, though better to do it first thing at least I did it. Spent the day organizing the apt. Still looks like a bomb went off as I jump from project to project. I’ll working on finishing two projects this weekend. Small goals. It’s going to take a bit longer to re-organize the clutter and finish all the bills, complete the 6-month backlog of statement balancing and quicken work. Bigger goal would be to get it all done by Wed. next week.

My mood remained good all day even if jumping around from project to project makes me feel a bit scattered and less accomplished than I would like.

[Shannon]

I suggest you consider the Sleep Magic sleep aid. I created that for myself when I was in college. It made me fall asleep faster and gave me the option of getting a lot more rest when I took a nap.

In college, I used to respond to stress by being unable to relax enough to fall asleep, even though I was exhausted. It really helped. Now, I always fall asleep immediately because I am exhausted.

[Tigerlilly]

I have purchased Hyper Sleep and Sleep Optimizer (Optimizer I purchased accidentally, thinking it was a sleep aid mentioned in the feedback/testimonials forums. I have tried Optimizer only 1 time and played it all night. Can't remember if what my thoughts were on it at the time). Is the big difference btw. Sleep Magic and Hyper Sleep the time frame? 1 hour v. 2 hours?

[Shannon]

Sleep Optimizer should take 2-4 weeks to see noticeable results from. It's designed to order and optimize the recuperative effects of the sleep you get, instead of letting your brain wander; it will bring your brain into a more efficient use of it's time in the sleep state. More rest in the amount of time you sleep, basically. Very useful, but not designed for use as a refresher during the day.

Hypersleep is very effective, but intended for use once in a while. Too often and you'll seriously screw with your sleep cycle. Once or maybe twice a week at most, and avoid using it within a few days of the last time you used it. The sleep aid acts as a way to achieve sleep faster and get some quality rest during the day.

[Tigerlilly]

Saturday, June 19, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #9 – __ hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

Maybe a separate dream journal is in order, just for my benefit. There really are so many, that if I don’t write first thing, I forget many parts.

I enjoyed a beautiful sunny day. One of my gf’s, her two little girls – 2 and 4 yrs., and their Labrador stopped by for a couple of hours. We were testing out dogs, to be sure that they’ll get along as I offered to take hers while she and her family were on vacation. It went swimmingly.

Spent the later part of the afternoon and early evening gardening with another friend who was getting her place ready for hosting a father’s day party tomorrow. I love digging in the dirt! I don’t have a yard at my apt., so there is little opportunity for me to play in the dirt at home. Participating in a garden club and helping friends allows me to get my “fix” of mother earth time.



Sunday, June 20, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #10 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of swimming in the ocean. I think I jumped off a cliff to get into the water and the cliffs were off in the distance. I was really far away from the shore, cliffs, and other boats and remember feeling like it would be difficut to get help out get out. The water was an incredible dark blue, but I could see everything when swimming under water. The water was filled with marine life, whales, sharks, colorful fish and stingrays swimming all around me and other people in the water too. No people were harmed by the sharks but it was disturbing to be in such close proximity to them. The sharks seemed busy chasing the whales and stingrays. I don’t remember seeing it capture any of the other creatures, but there was a ton of chasing done by the sharks.


Monday, June 21, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #11 – 7.5 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Same dream as last night. I can’t remember the last time I had the same dream two nights in a row. Strange.

I’ve found a new theme song – Bulletproof by La Roux – catchy tune, but the lyrics are the real kicker.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #12 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

Spent some time researching my summer project. I really need to get cracking on this work or I’ll never get it finished on time. Not feeling terribly motivated. Really gotta shake this procrastination stuff I’m doing.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #13 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of lawn mowers??? What’s up with that? According to one dream interpretation web site “To see a lawn mower in your dream, suggests that you need to channel your negative thinking into positive energy. You also need to keep your temper and attitude under control. Alternatively, the dream points to your need to keep up your appearances.”

Spent my day running around doing errands, which did not leave me feeling very accomplished. Still avoiding the big stack of bills and statement reconciling that need attention. Ick!

Thursday, June 24, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #14 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.


Friday, June 25, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #15 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

Decided to change the listening time frames of Life Tune-Up and Procrastination programs. After waking today and feeling sad most of the day it seems like I need to cycle in more “Let Go”.

Feeling an overwhelming sadness this morning with respect to the end of the romantic relationship and a bit of the “poor me” attitude. I am clearly having a difficult time letting go and moving on. It’s only been a few weeks, but my resistance to letting go does not feel like it is dissipating (at least not today.) I found it difficult to motivate myself all day and found myself on the verge of tears most of the day.

Plans with a friend finally forced me out of the house. Met some nice people and managed not to think about my personal drama for a few hours.


Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #16 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

Dreams of moving; driving a large garbage truck, it was difficult to navigate and I could not properly see in front of the truck when driving. Difficulties not only physically parking the truck, but parking it in places where legal; parked it somewhere not legal and received a very expensive parking ticket I could not afford to pay.

Many others in dream, but only recall one familiar face, (a secretarial manager at my former job) who was being let go, all employees were, because the company was closing and all were in the process of moving and packing items out of this dark dingy space. I was not an employee, no sure why I was moving. Complications trying to move my items from one location to another; my dog was a big concern in this dream but I don’t recall why.

The dream interpretation website had the following definitions:
Garbage Truck: 
To see or drive a garbage truck in your dream, indicates that you need to rid yourself of your old habits. You are carrying around too much negativity.

Moving: 
To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship; you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.

The dream dictionary may be on to something . . ..

I spent most of the morning crying. I alternate between furious with “Chatty Carl” (CC) and feeling the overwhelming sense of pain from my heartbreak. It’s been years since I’ve loved someone so much that the so much that it hurt so much to let go and felt physically painful. Inn fact, I can only remember feeling like this 2 other times in my life. I suppose on some level I should be thankful for having the capacity to love someone this much, but the flip side is that I’ve not yet found it within a relationship that lasts. Each time I’ve wondered if I would ever love someone this much again, so on some level it’s good to know that I have the capacity to feel this, both the good and bad.

But this is the hateful part, the part that makes it difficult to get up in the morning; the part that hurts and causes tear storms that continue for hours. That make you feel like you’re loosing your mind, not just suffering from a broken heart.

The capacity to love is one of God’s greatest gifts. And the fact is, there is so much suffering in this world, that many people never truly are able to experience this love. I am grateful that I can grateful for having been able to feel this level of love for another and know they felt it for me, however ever briefly, but the loss is so painful it is hard to remember that it is worth the pain. . Then there, are all the cruel things people do to one another to let go of their own pain. Things that they don’t realize hurt, or possible just don’t consider that their actions may be hurtful.

I want to move away from this relationship and let go remembering the love, not the hurtful actions of CC which are just a reflection of his own confusion, denial, or pain.

I wish there was a standard protocol for knowing how long the pain would last, a crystal ball to tell me when it would stop hurting, similar to knowing the length of a jail sentence. Instead I just keep writing, hoping that the words streaming out will give me some form of comfort. I’m typing now, but I think I may go back to longhand.

The action of typing is fine, easy even, and of course it is quick allowing me to keep up with my thoughts and write them as they come, but there is something more soothing about longhand. It is more visceral, smudges of ink; tear stained pages, cross outs and scribbles you don’t get when typing.

“How long will this hurt?” is all I can think right now. How do I take care of myself in such a way that says it’s okay to feel all this pain and anger without beating myself up (I’ve not been so successful with this aspect in the past)?

I can run and run and run until I wear the treads off my sneakers, take long walks on the beach, spend time with friends, and work on projects that are fun (not just grad school stuff) and all this will help, I know this to be true.

It is probably worth noting that my emotional state the last two days may be exacerbated by my cycle.

[Shannon]

You have to be a pretty strong willed woman to be [u]sing the subs this long and apparently not noticing anything. (Or are you?)

You sound a lot like me when it comes to falling in love. I don't love lightly, or cheaply; I give all of myself, and I have experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows because of love. If you have felt this way 12 times before, how come you don't yet know how long it takes?

It takes me 6 to 12 months to get over a major relationship. I'm still recovering from my last one, but I suspect that come August, I'll be back to normal. I don't know what happened with your relationship, but I do [k]now that time heals all wounds, if you let it. I also [k]now that if you are having this happen a lot, that a pattern might have formed, and if it has, you can use it to figure out what you can do to change it.

[Tigerlilly]

Hey Shannon, Thanks for catching the typo! Ooops! Big dif. btw. 12's and 2 times! LOL (I corrected SEVERAL typos!). Anyway, if 12 was the case, I'd have spent more than half my adult life mourning lovers - I like black and all, but after winter is over in Chicago I'm ready to wear bright colors!

After re-reading I'm still not sure what "sing in the subs this long and apparently not noticing anything" Notice what? BTW, I've been in Chicago for nearly 15 years.

Time heals, however slowly in my case. But resistance and patterns are the bane of my existence. I think it has something to do with being a Taurus . . . .

I think I might be onto something with journaling the dreams. Now that I'm paying attention to them, it will be interesting to see which parts I struggle with most.

[Shannon]

I have corrected the errors that resulted from a dirty keyboard. It's very difficult to clean a laptop keyboard that isn't supposed to be removable. Causes some letters to require extra effort.

I was referring to you not seeming to get results from using my subliminals, based on what I read.

Taurus! LMAO Taurus. You read my astrology manuscript yet? It's in the Chatterbox section. Go check it out. You might find it very interesting. Let me know, in a PM, what your date of birth is, also. Taurus might explain a lot more than you realize.

Based on the Sun in Taurus and your body type, I'm going to bet that you have a lot of planets in your chart that are located in Fire signs. Only two signs tend to produce the petite skinny body type: Aries and Scorpio. If you had Taurus Sun and Venus/whatever else in Scorpio, you'd probably be significantly less slender. I'm going to guess you have a lot of Aries in there. Fire, at the very least. I'm looking forward to seeing how accurate my assessment is.

[Tigerlilly]

It just so happens that last night I read a few posts in Chatterbox that mentioned the manuscript. I will have go back in there to find your posts related to the manuscript. I have always been interested in astrology. A number of years ago, a gf had my birth chart prepared as a birthday present. I remember thinking that the descriptions were pretty accurate. I'll see if I can dig that up and will send it along in the pm.

As for the subliminals, I actually do think that they are working, slowly. I think the dreams I can recall, some are mentioned in the journal, suggest the inner struggle. Based on past experience, letting go has always been difficult for me. The process of letting go each time lasted longer than the relationship. So, for the recently ended 9 month relationship, past experience would suggest that it would be 1 to 1.5 years before I fully moved on.

In this instance, I am dealing with the additional problem of knowing that the timing of a relationship between CC and me is not ideal. Having been friends a few years before we dated, I was fully aware of the problems in his decade long marriage and suspected a divorce would be inevitable unless some significant changes were made.

It was only a few months after publically announcing the divorce that he began to pursue me. I knew the risks, but was busy enough with grad school that I believed I would be able to manage my emotional involvement. I was wrong. While CC continued to tell me he was emotionally checked out of his marriage for years and ready to be in a relationship, his actions told another story. Eventually, this emotional rollercoaster wore me down though other fairly large stressors with respect to grad school played a role as well.

Unfortunately, over the winter I had become a woman I did not recognize. I suspect that CC saw the same and in relation to the demise of his marriage, became most uncertain about continuing a relationship with me. I am not solely taking the blame for the demise of this relationship. CC has his own huge bag of issues including a victim mentality surrounding being left, “by all of his significant others” of which I may now be included.

I decided that it would be best, for both of us (but especially for me) if we took the summer to each do what we needed. For me that meant getting a handle on grad school, feeling more confident about my creativity and the new skills I am learning, and most importantly, re-connecting with the bubbly, gregarious, happy-go-lucky rock star artist who had all but disappeared.

Other reasons driving my decision to stop the relationship this summer have to do with my belief that CC needs to spend some time dealing with his issues, re-connecting with his hopes and dreams, and healing. For most men that includes engaging in non-committed, non-monogamous, intimate relationships with various women. (Something he has already managed to do when we began having problems, but I digress) As I have never been able to manage an intimate relationship outside of a committed, monogamous relationship, attempting to do so now would only make my situation worse.

My decision to give CC his “freedom” to pursue whatever and whomever he wanted is not 100% noble. The emotional and physical intimacy and connection we shared was quite special. (At one point he confessed to not having shared this kind of connection with anyone, not even his ex-wife or ex-fiancé. I have experienced something similar to what CC and I shared only once before and with less intensity than with CC, at the very young age of 22 and have spent the last 20yrs. wondering if I would ever find it again.)

In any event, I want him to explore and “play the field” (though I imagine he may have played the field before he was married.) I’m not being noble or a martyr in this regard. In doing so it is my hope that he realizes (remembers?) the connection we shared is not easily found or replaced. Perhaps he will choose to pursue a relationship with me when the timing is better for each of us, but he could just as easily decide to try to find it again with someone else or run away from it entirely. It’s a roll of the dice, but as the saying goes ‘If you love something, set it free- if it comes back to you, it was meant to be".

[Shannon]

Sounds like a karmic situation and relationship to me. But what do I know. I should have gone to bed 6 hours ago.

I look forward to reading your chart.

[Tigerlilly]

Sunday, June 27, 2010
Day Listening – 1 hours
Night #17 – 9 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of hills and valleys, and trying to travel long distances from the peaks and valleys without the aid of paths. Distances felt great and difficult to reach. Alternating between trying to determine, with input from other individuals, if the trek would be worth it. There was water to be navigated around without the use of boats.


Monday, June 28, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #18 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Went to a yoga class toad then shopping for all the flowers, soil and mulch I will need to do fix up the patio. The building has a front patio which is not very appealing at the moment. I am trying to create a space that will look and feel good so that I spend time outside working inside of being trapped indoors all the time.

Tuesday, June 29 , 2010
Day Listening – 0 hours
Night #19 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.

The day was not productive with respect to school projects. I did re-seed the small patches of lawn in front of my building and plant the perennials around the tree in addition to beginning the flower boxes. The lawn, which was two feet high with weeds, is now bare soil and seeds. If the birds don’t eat all the seeds, I should have grass very soon!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Day Listening – 7 hours
Night # 20 – 0 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Finished planting the flower boxes and cleaning up the patio. It looks good and is finally a space that I find pleasant and will likely use more.
I did not sleep tonight. Research on various things an work that is not at all a priority kept me up all night. Reverting back to my bad habits of staying up all night, and this time for no good reason.

Thursday, July 1, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #21 – 13 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: None that I can recall. Perhaps a result of no sleep last night?

A bit more work on the patio. Great tool for procrastinating on my current school project. How come I am still procrastinating? Had plan to go to another yoga class today, but man am I sore from all the digging, planting, and tilling of the formally weed only lawn.

Friday, July 2, 2010
Day Listening – __ hours
Night # 22 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: Someone giving a commencement speech asked me for advice regarding writing and and speaking; Gave the person advice but told them they should really listen to CC when he speaks; very moving, and articulate. CC was not in dream, only referred to.
Broken heels while running jumping out a window to get to my car (don’t know why I was jumping out the window); review of work to former classmate; mention that I was moving back to Boston but another landscape architect said that work was difficult to obtain and the economy was really bad.
Wandering around the hull of a huge ship with several classmates; eventually wandering into the second floor of an abandoned building. Got the feeling that we were not supposed to be there and if we were found there we would have been in significant trouble.

Saturday, July 3, 2010
Day Listening – 5 hours
Night #21 – 5 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams: None (or maybe just none I can recall?)

---

I've been a bit lame regarding my daily journal of effects and feelings. I haven't felt motivated to do much of anything the last 10 days. I've changed my listening schedule, removing Life Tune-Up and replacing it with Absolute Self Confidence (ASC). Still listening to three subs at night, but now ASC, Procrastination, and Let Go. I'm hoping to see bigger results with ASC.than with Life Tune-Up based on what other users have stated. I need something to help with the problem I seem to be having with motivation and resistance to change. I wonder if I should begin doing my own affirmations in the morning, like I once used to do. When I used to meditate, I did so right when I got up, then would exercise (if I had time) which seemed to have the best results for me with respect to creating positive energy for myself each day. I feel like I am lacking in the positive energy dept. but not feeling motivated to do anything about it, which is totally ridiculous, and not typical for me. My friends call me the "energizer bunny", but if they saw me now, I'm sure they would think I resemble a tortoise more. I can't figure out if I am just burned out from all the stress of the last 10 months, or if something greater, which I am failing to recognize, is standing in the way of my desire to pull it all together (aside from the relationship woes of course.)

Tomorrow (or later this morning to be exact) I will start my day early, get some exercise, and try to get something accomplished.

[Ryan]

When you do the subs you have to take a few steps back before you can move forward. Just stick with it Tiger! Your subconscious isn't going to easily let you replace those old beliefs but in time it will eventually surrender. You're doing a few other programs, with the Woman Magnet program I am doing I get fatigued really easily, it's a lot of work for my mind, I usually sleep longer at night and am tired throughout the day. Maybe that is what you're experiencing when you say you feel like a tortoise? Not to mention, Life Tune-Up is a longer script and you're adding 2 others, it's going to take much longer to experience the effects.