Jay - Alpha Male 2011 Journal

[Jay]

Hi everyone,

I’ve decided to start a new journal again, since I think it could be worthwhile to share my findings regarding subliminals being used to combat Body Dismorphic Disorder (and possibly Bipolar Disorder), the process towards stopping basically being the bane of my own existence and building towards a meaningful life.

For the last half year I’ve been struggling upon building a new strong foundation again, but since my nervous breakdown it’s like building on sand. Nothing tends to stick for long. Since it happened I’m still feeling a bit lost; not having the motivation or having clear defined goals to work towards to (my previous goals don’t apply anymore), and a lot of defeatist behavior and self-doubt when I do. Also there are a lot of things that used to make sense, but don’t anymore. I hope that the Alpha set can at least bring forth a plateau on which I can rely on and start building up from there.

My goal in a nutshell is basically to work towards becoming a self-actualized person, that’s carefree and can choose to be non-reactive to outside stimuli, one that has control over its own emotions and can work through adverse conditions and facing them without being overwhelmed by negative immobilizing thoughts, and even if that would happen would get back on track quickly after again. One that isn’t focused on outcome but has the confidence in himself that whatever happens, he can handle it. I’ve already sort of been there already, so I know it’s a goal that’s attainable. I think the following quote describes it very well;

"Look to nothing, not even for a moment except to reason."
– Marcus Aurelius

Also something I should’ve done a long time ago is making the decision to just to burn my bridges behind me since it is clear that I’m incapable of sticking to only one subliminal at a time. So that's why I’ve kept one single copy of all my subliminals and deleted all other instances of them. The single copy I put on an external HDD and gave it to my sister who will keep it for the duration of ~6 months. The only program that still remains in my possession is Alpha Male 2011. Even if I will feel bouts of resistance or think an issue isn’t addressed properly, I just have to plow through it none the less. It won't be pleasant, but at least it this will prevent me from keeping myself stuck in this place.

I’m going with 35 days per stage, while listening to the program for 12 hours each day. My setup is using Logitech Z3e speakers (20 kHz) at night, and using earbuds Philips SHE4500 (23.5 kHz) during the day. The volume for earbuds will be at 25% - 40% to ensure that I don’t experience anymore hearing loss (I’m already at 15 kHz).

In the meantime I’ve been seeing a psychologist but I’ve got referred to another instance as she wasn’t qualified to effectively work with Body Dismorphic Disorder and I’m also presuming a form of Bipolar Disorder. So I’m guessing that after the first few intakes I’ll ask to also be placed in group therapy to work more towards feedback and assertiveness.

My intention is to post at least once within the period of a fortnight, unless stuff happens.

[Shannon]

35 days per stage doesn't seem like much more than the 32 days I designed it for, but everyone wants to do more than I designed it for, or not finish it at all, and sometimes that's counterproductive. I'm concerned that every time someone decides to disregard the instructions, we'll have more people decide to, and then we have all kinds of problems as people discover the hard way that hey - the instructions were that specific for a good reason. Meanwhile, because they didn't follow the instructions, they have problems that the program gets blamed for. Please follow the instructions, for the sake of my sanity.

[Jay]

Lol. To be perfectly honest, at first I wanted to make it 40 days a stage since I tend to support the irrational belief that 32 days doesn’t cut it for me, but for the sake of your sanity I’ll follow protocol and use the program as nature intended! Dammit.

Currently on day 3 of stage 1, don’t have that much to report except that I felt a sense of nausea and a sense of feeling trapped on the first day, also a slight sense of suddenly becoming emotionally overwhelmed (this only lasted about 5 minutes or so). The confidence I gained from ASC.and a better sense of self-image through DAS does seem to die down very quickly, but I’ve had this before when I first started AM10 so I’ll just regard this as ‘normal’. I went on a small family trip yesterday and had the sense of not belonging and feeling very stiff and awkward when in social situations, also the thought that people wouldn’t accept me for my appearance came on pretty strong, and that I just better could just stay out of the way and not interfere (hide-mode). This was pretty different from a week ago, where I was more open and to the point and less reserved and didn’t have much negative thoughts revolving around my appearance.

Since yesterday I woke up more with a sense of empowerment and wanting to do something worthwhile but after an hour it starts to reside back to regular old passiveness. But I hope that this’ll tend to build up more and more.

I'm also glad that I've taken the precautions of deleting my other subliminals and starting this journal, normally I would have had a lot of negative thoughts bombarding me to change programs ("this program doesn't cut it for your problems and ailments, change it now to something better blah bla bla") after a few days, but now when one does tend to pop up I can't do that much about it. So I guess, problem solved.

[Jay]

I came to the realization today that in a sense everything is as it is, not as it should be. This concept does spread over a lot of different areas, but the more specific insight that I gathered was that after I wasn’t aware of a certain fact and made an error in judgment because of this. I quickly started to journey towards the thought “That’s so stupid, I should’ve known that!” But shortly after it hit me, I didn’t know. I couldn’t possibly have known, my current circumstances never led me towards the understanding of that fact. Until today. So in that situation, how could I act accordingly without the proper knowledge to do so? I couldn’t. Did I choose willfully to not know this? I wasn't aware of it, so there wasn't a decision to be made. And what’s the point in negating and shaming myself for this? Does it improve the situation, no. I already have learned what there was to learn from this situation and I won’t make the same mistake again. Also it’s not like people after shaming myself will go on patting me on the back saying “You shamed yourself wonderfully, son. By demeaning and robbing yourself of your self-esteem you showed yourself worthy of my (superior and everlasting) forgiveness for the things you couldn’t possibly know, but should’ve known.” It just doesn’t make sense.

There have been more realizations and changes due to the subliminals that I want to share here, I do have to confess that it's hard for me to be exact about them and being able to put them in words that do justice to the things that changed so far. But if all fails, I'll at least be able to summarize them.

[Jay]

Day 18

What’s probably one of the more notable breakthroughs is that my perception of my appearance has changed for the better, during DAS I already noticed that my perception had changed when I randomly stumbled upon a bunch of pictures of me that were taken in 2007-2009, and previously I absolutely hated looking at those. Instead of just seeing the inherent badness and ugliness I noticed that I was more focusing on the big picture instead of focusing and amplifying the flaws mainly, and I actually saw an average looking guy that looked a bit unhealthy and uncomfortable with himself. Also my hair and skin was a different story altogether, normally I would hate my hair(style) because I barely can get it in the position that I want to. In a few pictures I still remembered that I had a bad hair day on that day, and I was baffled to realize that it actually didn’t look bad. Also I have acne scars on my cheeks, and normally I would hate the way that light would fall onto that, but now I saw it more as a redeeming feature. Also the “holes” didn’t look as obvious as they used to. My nose normally would be an issue as well, I believe I have an Aquiline (roman/hook) nose, but it’s slightly crooked and I would hate it when look at the sides of my nose and face. I perceived it as the proportion or scale didn’t match up with the rest of my face. But while looking at the pictures it looked just plain normal.

I took confidence in the realization that I actually could look good in pictures now, but as I looked into the mirror I didn’t see that much difference. I actually received a few compliments during that period about my appearance (has barely happened at all in my life) I was milder towards my facial features, but not as much as I experienced with the photographs. I still could be I just presumed that this was a matter of time before that would turn around as well.

During the past week I noticed that most times I would look at myself in the mirror I could positively affirm that I truly looked good (I carefully even want to mention feeling sexy), even if I hadn’t done anything to myself. So this is going in the right direction. But I think it’s mood dependent, whenever I’m in a depressed or low mood my perception of myself also changes, and that’s when I’m prone on criticizing myself and focusing more negatively on my perceived flaws. But I’m glad that I’ve seen these changes so early on in the program and I hope that this will become balanced and congruent throughout the process.

In social situations I’m still very drawn back and introverted, this is mainly because I don’t socialize that much, and I barely leave the house (I’m still looking for more goals/excuses to leave the house). Although I care and think less about my appearance I still believe that people can perceive that there is something “weird” or off about my behavior or the things I might say (probably because of fear of rejection and conflict), also I notice that it’s hard to concentrate during social encounters, they also take a lot of energy. Since I lack experience I just don’t trust my ability in socializing and just try to keep myself out of as much as possible. I need to find something I can be passionate about, I’m focusing too much on the negative and on this condition I believe.

Tomorrow is the first of my two intake conversations with my new psychologist. My previous one didn’t have any experience with BDD or bipolar so I got redirected, just hope that I at least have some sort of click with this one, and that she can come up with some suitable solutions for this.

Other changes:

• Sensing more freedom towards decision making, less worry and doubt revolves around this;
• More control over my thoughts, my inner dialogue also has become a bit more milder;
• A little bit more prone on thinking for myself, and having more of a tendency to question things instead of just blatantly accepting them thinking that someone else is by definition more right than I am;
• More assertive, less prone to back down when I notice my boundaries being pushed or stepped on;
• Occasional spontaneous feelings of sadness rising up;
• While listening to the program, noticing a sensation in the front and occasionally in the back of my head, sometimes with a feeling of elation afterwards;
• Long winded and more negative dreams;
• Occasional strong urge to swim and work out;
• Generally a bit more calm, relaxed than before;
• A little bit less serious, more fun-loving than before;
  

[Jay]

My intake went well, my second one will be oncoming Tuesday. I think I'm in good hands this time.

When I meditated (Japa) yesterday I suddenly noticed a surge in the top of my head, I felt immediately more calm and spaced and it was like something was sucking me towards it. Lasted for about 7 seconds. My throat, chest felt lifted afterwards.

[Patti]

Good for you seeking out a psychologist a second time. I think it's not an easy task trying to find someone that fits. Happy to hear you feel good about this one! You sound like you're on a good road.

[Jay]

Thanks Pattie. The most prominent difference that I got with my new psychologist is that she was willing to ask me about things, and to go deeper into them. And to raise questions and become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are instilled behind them. It was only the first intake, but the difference is definitely noticeable even from there. The old one that I had about 5-6 years ago was still a trainee, and I barely had a connection with her.

At the time I already struggled a lot with putting my thoughts and feelings into words, because at the time I didn't knew how to feel for myself. I got the impression that she wasn't taking me seriously or that she wasn't interested in hearing me speak, and it made it very difficult for me to express myself there, let alone be comfortable with myself, she jotted down a few notes, she made me talk but barely interacted, performed a few tests on me, she made statements in the direction that I could be autistic or had Asperger's syndrome. I checked this out myself, but there was very little my sister and I could identify with. I found it insulting. It also didn't help that she barely could remember my name and had the habit of looking often at the clock behind me. I became aware of the pattern that when the 42-43th minute was up, the session was over even if I was still talking or in a highly emotional state. We made a new appointment, and that was that.

I've had been there for almost a year, but I got more nervous each time I had to go there and I didn't see any progress. It didn't help that I already went to a few alternative "healers" (and social workers) before that, and although they were nice and came up with plenty of solutions, it didn't work or or I lacked the motivation to continue on taking the 'treatment' which in effect made me feel even more like a failure. Looking back to it from now, they had no clue how to help me and lacked even the basic tools on determining what my issues could possibly be. "Yes, you're still depressed because your father died four years ago. Yes, that's very sad. Yes, anxiety goes hand in hand with that one. Take these drops or these supplements, it did wonders on one person that I tried it on, turned her life around just like a drop of a hat". I may sound a bit cynical, but that's how I perceive it. On the basis of these experiences it instilled the belief in me that no one could help me, and that I was unfixable, or not worthy enough to be fixed.

So after almost a year I quit, I didn't believe that a different psychologist would handle my problems any differently, and I didn't had the courage to bring myself to confronting her about her behavior (because of the believe that I would hurt her, or make her feel inadequate...). I thought myself to be a hopeless cause and just rolled with it. I knew that at least I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of going to the psychologist anymore.

Looking back now, I can be thankful that I got through those years by myself and I'm glad to see that the things have changed, and that things don't necessarily have to be as I previously perceived them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been a while, but I woke up this morning with a genuine feeling of calmness and positivity. I’m assuming that most ‘normal’ people (non-depressed) feel this all the time. It does also help that I wrote my reply to Patti after this.... I’m also starting to see a new pattern in my dreams; most dreams revolve around the theme of impossible people and situations that involve conflict. It also has been a while since I remembered any ‘nice’ dreams.

Although not related but nonetheless possibly interesting to note, what I’ve experienced when I still listened to Balance Your Brain Hemispheres is that the structure of my dreams changed. I’m very right-brained so normally my dreams would be small, non-interlinked (at least appeared so) chaotic stories but after I listened to BYBH it became different stories revolving around a single theme, this could be a certain surrounding, era, people, etc. My dreams became long, unwinding stories and I experienced them much more vividly than I would before. It also became much easier to remember the dreams, even hours after waking up. In case you’re a fan of dreaming, I can recommend it. I do have to say that I tried the program for over a month and the effects have worn a bit of in the meantime, so my dreams aren’t that vivid anymore and the storyline is now a compilation of tied around themes and random bits, but after AM I’ll probably go for that one, if it isn’t Stop and Reverse Hair Loss or Improve Your Grades and Study Habits.

I also came to the small realization that self-help books and tapes are nice and can be insightful, but if you’re not doing anything with it, it’s a waste of time because the information will dissolve eventually and will be overridden back by your old beliefs. Although this isn’t a profound insight, the difference is that although I understood this intelligently, my old patterns and ways (decisions) still permitted me to make me feel that I actually gained something from it. It doesn’t really. It’s the same ol’ dopamine mechanism that’s only distracting with temporary highs that don’t lead anywhere, and which don’t stick because you need more and more of them to reach the same effects. I hope this makes sense to you

After my nervous breakdown I tried to trace back the steps that led me to the insights I gathered from my past experiences and I tried to gather as much old information that led me to certain realizations or that I used to cultivate them. This to no avail, and with almost no a-ha moments. I think I hit my head plenty of times in the meantime and felt pretty much stuck on this one. It’s better to focus on just one, until you fully mastered this and have included this into your daily habits. And then proceed to the next, instead of just trying everything all at once. Trying all at once does give you a good perspective of what’s out there, but eventually you’ll have come to the point to choose what’s most suitable for you and stick with it.

I think I’ll leave it at a daily routine with only AM11, 30 minutes of Japa meditation, 20-30 minutes of mirror affirmations and to listen to one audiobook at least twice a week to engrain that message fully, and to keep my brain busy thinking on those subjects and from that paradigm.

My affirmations so far are (loosely translated from Dutch), these are the only ones that I currently can emote with and that have a sense of truth behind them that I can enlarge by repeating them:

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be;
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
• I love myself;
• I love myself truly for who I am;
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows;
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough;
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it;
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

[Shannon]

(07-22-2011 10:24 AM)Jay Wrote:  Thanks Pattie. The most prominent difference that I got with my new psychologist is that she was willing to ask me about things, and to go deeper into them. And to raise questions and become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are instilled behind them. It was only the first intake, but the difference is definitely noticeable even from there. The old one that I had about 5-6 years ago was still a trainee, and I barely had a connection with her.

At the time I already struggled a lot with putting my thoughts and feelings into words, because at the time I didn't knew how to feel for myself. I got the impression that she wasn't taking me seriously or that she wasn't interested in hearing me speak, and it made it very difficult for me to express myself there, let alone be comfortable with myself, she jotted down a few notes, she made me talk but barely interacted, performed a few tests on me, she made statements in the direction that I could be autistic or had Asperger's syndrome. I checked this out myself, but there was very little my sister and I could identify with. I found it insulting. It also didn't help that she barely could remember my name and had the habit of looking often at the clock behind me. I became aware of the pattern that when the 42-43th minute was up, the session was over even if I was still talking or in a highly emotional state. We made a new appointment, and that was that.

I've had been there for almost a year, but I got more nervous each time I had to go there and I didn't see any progress. It didn't help that I already went to a few alternative "healers" (and social workers) before that, and although they were nice and came up with plenty of solutions, it didn't work or or I lacked the motivation to continue on taking the 'treatment' which in effect made me feel even more like a failure. Looking back to it from now, they had no clue how to help me and lacked even the basic tools on determining what my issues could possibly be. "Yes, you're still depressed because your father died four years ago. Yes, that's very sad. Yes, anxiety goes hand in hand with that one. Take these drops or these supplements, it did wonders on one person that I tried it on, turned her life around just like a drop of a hat". I may sound a bit cynical, but that's how I perceive it. On the basis of these experiences it instilled the belief in me that no one could help me, and that I was unfixable, or not worthy enough to be fixed.

So after almost a year I quit, I didn't believe that a different psychologist would handle my problems any differently, and I didn't had the courage to bring myself to confronting her about her behavior (because of the believe that I would hurt her, or make her feel inadequate...). I thought myself to be a hopeless cause and just rolled with it. I knew that at least I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of going to the psychologist anymore.

Looking back now, I can be thankful that I got through those years by myself and I'm glad to see that the things have changed, and that things don't necessarily have to be as I previously perceived them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been a while, but I woke up this morning with a genuine feeling of calmness and positivity. I’m assuming that most ‘normal’ people (non-depressed) feel this all the time. It does also help that I wrote my reply to Patti after this.... I’m also starting to see a new pattern in my dreams; most dreams revolve around the theme of impossible people and situations that involve conflict. It also has been a while since I remembered any ‘nice’ dreams.

Although not related but nonetheless possibly interesting to note, what I’ve experienced when I still listened to Balance Your Brain Hemispheres is that the structure of my dreams changed. I’m very right-brained so normally my dreams would be small, non-interlinked (at least appeared so) chaotic stories but after I listened to BYBH it became different stories revolving around a single theme, this could be a certain surrounding, era, people, etc. My dreams became long, unwinding stories and I experienced them much more vividly than I would before. It also became much easier to remember the dreams, even hours after waking up. In case you’re a fan of dreaming, I can recommend it. I do have to say that I tried the program for over a month and the effects have worn a bit of in the meantime, so my dreams aren’t that vivid anymore and the storyline is now a compilation of tied around themes and random bits, but after AM I’ll probably go for that one, if it isn’t Stop and Reverse Hair Loss or Improve Your Grades and Study Habits.

I also came to the small realization that self-help books and tapes are nice and can be insightful, but if you’re not doing anything with it, it’s a waste of time because the information will dissolve eventually and will be overridden back by your old beliefs. Although this isn’t a profound insight, the difference is that although I understood this intelligently, my old patterns and ways (decisions) still permitted me to make me feel that I actually gained something from it. It doesn’t really. It’s the same ol’ dopamine mechanism that’s only distracting with temporary highs that don’t lead anywhere, and which don’t stick because you need more and more of them to reach the same effects. I hope this makes sense to you

After my nervous breakdown I tried to trace back the steps that led me to the insights I gathered from my past experiences and I tried to gather as much old information that led me to certain realizations or that I used to cultivate them. This to no avail, and with almost no a-ha moments. I think I hit my head plenty of times in the meantime and felt pretty much stuck on this one. It’s better to focus on just one, until you fully mastered this and have included this into your daily habits. And then proceed to the next, instead of just trying everything all at once. Trying all at once does give you a good perspective of what’s out there, but eventually you’ll have come to the point to choose what’s most suitable for you and stick with it.

I think I’ll leave it at a daily routine with only AM11, 30 minutes of Japa meditation, 20-30 minutes of mirror affirmations and to listen to one audiobook at least twice a week to engrain that message fully, and to keep my brain busy thinking on those subjects and from that paradigm.

My affirmations so far are (loosely translated from Dutch), these are the only ones that I currently can emote with and that have a sense of truth behind them that I can enlarge by repeating them:

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be;
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
• I love myself;
• I love myself truly for who I am;
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows;
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough;
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it;
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Two points.

First, if you use a subliminal of Type B for the minimum amount of time (BYBH, 32 days) then yes, eventually it will probably fade. You have to use it longer than that for long term or permanent results. 32 days is designed to get it working and working well, not necessarily be an end-all, be-all. It is the minimum amount of time you should be using the program for in order to get your money's worth.

Second point is, some of your affirmations are not helping you, or could use a little boost. See below.

• Everything is ok, everything is exactly as it should be; [leads to stagnation and lack of motivation to change anything for the better. If you're using this for anti-anxiety, it's better to specifically attack the anxiety itself, such as "I now and forever more completely and successfully disconnect from any and all negative, useless anxiety.]
• My life is becoming better and better each day;
• I love myself;
• I love myself truly for who I am;
• I am worthy to be loved and appreciated for who I am;
• I truly love and accept my face, my body, my eyes, my skin, my hair, my mouth, my nose, my teeth, my eyebrows; [I truly love and accept all of myself, inside and outside]
• I’m great, I’m awesome (and more variations of this);
• I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough; [I am more than good enough to deserve everything I want and need]
• Whatever may arise in my life, I can handle it; [I now know and accept that I can handle it]
• I have great confidence in my knowledge, talents and abilities;
• I trust my knowledge, talents and abilities fully;
  

Hope that helps.

[Jay]

With the first affirmation I never looked at it from that point of view, for me it’s more of a pointer towards accepting my current circumstances and that everything is as it should be, and that there isn’t any other way for it to have happened. I’ve used this one in the past to work on resentment and to stop wishing things were different as they were, and controlling external circumstances (while there was no actual way or need for me to control), and I found it to be one of my more powerful affirmations. But I see what you mean how it could cause stagnation and lack of change, so I’ll change that one into something else. I’m not using any affirmations regarding anxiety, but I think those that focus on confidence and trust would be adequate enough for that, because I want to focus more on my own confidence instead of feeling nervousness and anxiety in social situations, and the more energy I direct towards them the more strength it gains.

With the affirmation that addresses a number of body parts, I was wondering if it isn’t better to address each one instead of just using one word to address them all at once? I believe that taking it apart is more effective because of being more specific and giving attention to each of them. It also helps to see changes regarding perception towards each individual part. But perhaps I’m not realizing how literally the subconscious really is.

The “I’m good enough, I’m wholly good enough” I got from an old affirmation tape, and your suggestion covers more ground so I won’t mind replacing it.

I hope that I wasn’t giving the impression that I was expecting lasting results, but after reading it again I see that it could be interpreted that way. I’m aware that it takes about 90 days for long or permanent results and I regarded it more as a second tryout, and it wasn’t the only program I was using at the time.

Thanks for the help.

[Jay]

The last week has been a very strange and dark one, on Monday my mood suddenly dropped (were no changes in personal behaviors, situations, food, sleeping rhythm or anything I can detect that could’ve influenced myself so strongly) and I became very depressed, probably due to resistance. I had frequent thoughts of suicide (not something I intend to so, mind you) and for days it felt like my life was over, and I had no reason to continue going on. I felt a constant strong anxiety going through me that I could hardly control even with the help of meditation or breathing exercises, and when I left the house my thoughts were a haze, could barely concentrate on what people said to me. With people I could barely hold eye contact, just for a second. Emotionally I was also a wreck, I had so much difficulty on keeping myself together instead of bursting into tears. Hated my appearance, also everything seemed very unreal and distant to me (looked like signs of depersonalization and/or derealization to me). It felt like the whole world was against me, and I wasn’t some unwanted defunct part of it. On a lighter note it also didn’t help that my car kind of broke down this week, as I was heading to my appointment with my psychologist. One of the bobines broke, luckily it wasn't a serious problem.

Currently I feel a new sense of power in me and feel like I have a better, tougher shell, that I can handle situations better, but I’m not sure if this will stay at this rate. I feel more freedom towards myself, a bit more open and self-assured. But haven’t experienced this long enough to really go into it more deeply, since there were only a few situations where it really stood out. I’m glad this period is over, but on the other hand I would like as much resistance to $*#& me up, because I know it’s working through important issues, and clearing up unnecessary mental garbage. To be honest, I think I would benefit greatly if I did another 32 days of Stage 1, and then proceed onto the next stages as it was intended. But I know what Shannon response would be on this, so in a few days I’ll go onto Stage 2.

I also think I'll refrain from posting past traumatic events or at least go dig deep into them here, it's not my intention to possibly depress any readers with my &%*#. Although for me it helps to put it into words instead of feelings, I can do this some place else.

[Patti]

In my opinion, you should always journalize everything you feel when you’re going through major changes like you are. I think it’s helpful to look back and see how you’ve improved or not. When you post them here, I’m sure many of the guys can help you because they’ll probably understand what you’re going through.

I myself, don’t find your posts depressing and I’m interested in hearing your progress, so keep posting!

[Jay]

Thanks Pattie, that's really comforting to know. I've put some thought into what you said, and you're right. I think what I said stems from the (dysfunctional/neurotic) belief that everything has to appear as 'perfect' to the outside world, even though in reality it's not. And when I do feel worthy enough to express the more negative bits, guilt or feeling shameful tends to dwell up afterwards because I think I'll be rejected or ignored for it.

It reminds me a bit when I was still learning to drive, I was really reluctant to do more 'bold' actions like; breaking, giving and taking priority (not sure if this is the correct term) and looking in the "dead" zone. I think my behavior had to do with not appearing to do something obvious to other people, because if you do something or stand for something, it means that people can shame you for it. Especially when you don't feel certain enough that the actions you're actually taking are the correct way to go, and by default think that 'everything' you do on your own is per definition wrong.

I think I'll have to reinstate and focus on one of the basic values/rules I had before my nervous breakdown, which basically was to express myself accordingly to my thoughts and values, and if people disagree with me or my values hurt them they'll let me know. (Healthy/functional people that care for me or what I have to say will tell it to my face, and dysfunctional people that care for me or what I say will let it know in more indirect ways, or just talk about my 'appalling' behavior behind my back. And people that don't care, don't care.

What I was intending to mention with my driving lessons was that after a while I got a better perspective on when to break and when not to, which felt like a long and painstakingly process. And after learning it, I mentioned this to my teacher, and it kind of bummed me out when my teacher said "You could've just drove around, I would've stepped on the breaks irregardlessly".

I think that's the way, just drive around, experiment and when necessary a teacher will appear and will step on my breaks or tell me when it's ok to break. And I'll see for myself if it's also in my best interest if I want to break. And even when there's not a teacher I will blissfully ignorant of my ways.

Thanks for making me aware of this, and be assured I'll will not fret from depressing this place up as much as I can in my future posts.

[Shannon]

Just a note... "irregardless" is not a word. "Irregardlessly" is also not a word. It is a pet peeve of mine, though, as an English major. The word is regardless. He would have stepped on the brakes regardless. As in, without regard for your other actions. "Ir-" and "-less" are both negating the root word "regard", so you have a double negative and it not only sounds ridiculous but would mean the reverse of what you're trying to say if we did count it as a word. It also makes you sound uneducated. So please don't take offense to my statement here, but learn the right way and make your presentation to others better in the process. Believe me, it helps with the ladies and being taken seriously by men who have achieved higher levels of success and power.

As for more time on Stage 1, as I say, just run through the set as designed and then tun through it again if you like.

[Jay]

Lol, I knew that it wasn't a real word but "regardless" didn't sound right to me as I was writing it so I just sticked to it. I especially didn't suspected anyone objecting to my use of that 'word' here, and if anyone would I could also use the petty excuse that English isn't my first language But still, from now on I'll never use "irregardlessly" in a proper sentence ever again. Lesson learned.

I was still in the process of writing my summary and properly translating my notes for Stage 1, but I already made the switch to Stage 2 today with the aim of following the instructions properly as they are intended (with the exception of listening to the program for a total of 10 instead of 8 hours a day). I did believe that I had too many issues and negative inhibiting beliefs that could possibly interfere and undermine during later stages, but I won't know if this is true until after I finished the program. So there's not much sense in worrying about it in the meantime.

[Patti]

If you want to clean up your grammatical act for Shannon and yourself, that’s cool. It’s always good to improve ourselves all the way around.

As for me, you just speak from your heart, and trust me, I’ll get it!

[Jay]

I had another intake conversation with a psychiatrist today; since my psychologist needed more confirmation on what kind of treatment would be the most suitable to my needs. I’ve also made the decision to go into ‘group’ therapy (has a different name, couldn’t find a more suitable English variant of it) which will be contained in blocks of four hours, three times a week with 6-7 other people. After the intake I’m not so sure if it has been the right decision, but it could also mean that I’m simply resisting the process. I think I have more gain by discussing my thoughts patterns, and in the process becoming more aware and focusing on more effective and positive solutions and thought patterns towards it with a psychologist than to expose myself to other people that have their own issues as well. But I’ll have to see it for myself before I can really determine if it’s truly in my best interest to follow this process. The ‘group’ therapy sessions will start on August the 19th. I still have to have a conversation with a medication specialist, but I’ve already made the decision not to take SSRI’s because mainly I’m not looking forward on dealing with any negative side effects, and I have a strong belief that my issues can be solved without them since I already experienced a strong glimpse of it already (before my nervous breakdown). I'm not sure if I'll return to college for this year, because I'm not sure if I'm ready to get back on the saddle as it were. Still have to consider finances, and if this treatment is really worth so much of my time.

You may or may not have noticed that I posted my face here, it was sort of an experiment to see how my BDD ridden mind would respond, so I could analyze possible thoughts of putting myself more in the open but I'm actually pretty used to it now. Although I won't permit myself to use a less 'good' photo of myself here (which would probably make me climb up the walls). The same applies here that I notice that my perspective regarding my looks and photos of myself change throughout the day. I think it's probably a contrast between focusing on details (that I don't like about myself) and seeing the whole picture (which is mainly positive). I think my sense of self-worth is the deciding factor between these two.

I also found on random google search a band member that has pretty much all the ugly characteristics and demeanor of the face I envision myself to have. And after comparing pictures with him, and to my relieve there is barely any comparison. This should keep my spirits up for a few days...

I picked up the following snippets from Patti’s thread, and it describes pretty much what I’m going through for some time now.

(08-10-2011 03:18 PM)Shannon Wrote:  Subliminals can be resisted to a degree that depends on a complex interaction of your body and your mind. Some people are practically helpless to resist subliminals, and some can ignore them without a second thought. And in the middle there are the other 99.99%, who fall somewhere in between.

Astrologically, I have noticed a strong correlation between fixed sign placement and resistance increasing. Not surprisingly if you know that a fixed sign resists change, and the negative pole of strength is blind resistance, regardless of what it costs the person doing the resisting. In charts where there is Taurus or Scorpio placement in the front of the chart - most frequently in Mercury or Venus - this resistance is easily able to override the effects of the subliminals if that is the subconscious desire.

I know it's working also because you have reported times when it would change your responses, and then later those changes failed to remain. That's the same thing we see with obese people who use a weight loss program that conflicts with their internal programming and they resist it. They lose 10 pounds... and gain 10 pounds... and lose 10 pounds... and gain 10 pounds. The yoyo effect.

…

So at this point, the goal has to be first and foremost, to decide: do I, or do I not genuinely and honestly choose to Stop Smoking?

And, if you do, on a conscious level, you'll have to find a way to translate that to a release of subconscious resistance to the change and the program. That's something only you can do. The subliminal cannot force you, as you are too strong willed. You might want to consider affirmations and self hypnosis in that case.

It just also happens that I’m a Scorpio, and I do see a definitive contrast between before and after my nervous breakdown. What previously was a steady build up is now the yoyo effect that Shannon describes. This also makes me hesitant of posting my results here because I’m somewhat doubtful if the effects last.

Truthfully it’s hard for me to envision myself currently as an Alpha Male, it feels more like having an occasional stroke of inspiration, courage, and clarity which soon falters back afterwards to passiveness and feeling pretty much worthless and somewhat stuck (going in circles) for longer periods of time. This makes me more wonder if it’s really resistance or that it’s simply depression, or just both.

I strongly agree on that it also depends on how you consciously look towards the effects of the subliminals, at the beginning they were almost awe-some to me with unlimited possibilities because it showed me a side of life that was so different than what I normally experienced (there weren’t as many published scripts and journals at that time, which left more of a sense of mystery and more to wonder about what these programs would/could do). It’s all open and clear now, I know what I can expect and I’m pretty much waiting for the effects to show up, and this closed mindset is presumably also a big big part of the resistance.

I am noticing a definite rise in becoming more assertive and making myself (needs and wants) more clearly towards others, and having more self esteem (more positive belief in my abilities) but that’s pretty much the most prominent thread I see leading through all this.

I'm going to look for suitable (self) hypnosis tapes/cd's, just like back in the 'good' ol' days Perhaps this can address my resistance. If I find something that works, I'll mention it here.

[Shannon]

It all depends on you. I wish there was a way to force people to bend to my subliminals, but the fact is, some people are just too strong willed to influence fully if they are resisting the effects. Sun sign alone doesn't tell you much, though. You will notice that your conscious perceptions are leading some of your results? That means that all you have to do is consciously choose to let go and allow the subliminal to do its thing, without expectations or preconceived notions, and it'll work just fine. Set and forget is the best way to use subliminals.

By the way, I have paid a lot of money on occasion in the past to hire male models who didn't have a face as well developed as yours. Body dismorphic disorder? If the rest of you looks anything like that you need to go get a job as a model. No kidding, my friend.

[Patti]

Jay, I am so so so proud of you! Your thought process, coming from where you’ve been and trying to get to where you want to be is outstanding! When I have some time, I’m going to go back and read your threads from the beginning. Do you have posts prior to your breakdown or right after? In any case, you’re very enlightening to say the least! Are you doing both individual and group therapy? I think group is a very good thing but needs to flow into your individual evaluations from both your doctor and yourself. There will be instances that someone in the group may talk about a certain issue that they are going through and you may not be going the exact same thing, but something they’ve said sparks a feeling in you and on some level you can relate too. This is what you need to analyze and bring to table at the individual meetings. It’s just gives you different outlooks on how different situations may of affected you or is affecting you now.

As far as your pic goes, I’m not really gonna say much more other than it’s a nice pic. To me pictures are a flash of a moment. I have so many pictures on facebook that I don’t like of myself, usually taken by someone else. I always yell at them and tell them not to tag me because they’re horrible lol and I could delete them but I don’t because it’s not that serious and even though I do care about what people think (and anyone that tells you don’t is lying to both you and themselves) I know that most people who know me, know I have many sides to the way I look. That one picture doesn’t define me.

Women have is so much easier than men as they can wear makeup and do their hair and do so much more than a man can to change their looks (temporarily, without surgery, not even going there) than men can. I personally don’t wear makeup unless I’m going out. To me it goes with dressing up, putting on jewelry (to which I’m the queen of costume jewelry lol. If it cost less than 20 bucks and blings, I’m buyen’ it!) But I friends that won’t go outta the house without makeup on. To each their own, I suppose. With me, whatcha get is pretty much whatcha get! What my husband goes to bed with at night is what my husband wakes up to in the morning.

My daughter and I used to the gym together and from time to time there’d be some chick that would walk in dressed to the 9’s. She’d have her very scanty form fitted work out attire on, makeup done to perfection and her hair, even though up, looked like she just stepped outta the beauty parlor. And here’s my daughter and myself in our raggedy shorts and t-shirts that looked like they’ve been through world war three! I’d usually be on one machine across the room from my daughter when this “princess” would walk in and then we’d look at each other and crack up. Her and I are no good working out at the gym sometimes, because it’s very hard to work out while you’re laughing. Then some time would go by, and I’d try to regain my focus on working out and my daughter would pass by me and whisper in my ear, “who’s she trying to hit on”? let’s watch! It was like watching a soap opera in real life. She got what she wanted, the attention of most of the guys there.

When I first starting talking to people on the internet (way back in the day) most of us still didn’t have digital camera’s or even know how to post pictures of ourselves. Looking back it was great way to know someone without the prejudgment of their looks. After months of befriending some people, pictures came into play and when they’d send me them, I didn’t think anything bad, but I thought, “well that’s not what I thought you looked like”! In my mind, their personalities didn’t match their looks. I found that fascinating and found out a lot about myself at that time.

I could go on for days and experiences I’ve had about people looks but as to not bore you I’ll end this by saying, we all insecurities about the way we look, but our looks don’t define us! It’s what you bring from the inside out that matters.

[Jay]

(08-10-2011 08:54 PM)Shannon Wrote:  It all depends on you. I wish there was a way to force people to bend to my subliminals, but the fact is, some people are just too strong willed to influence fully if they are resisting the effects. Sun sign alone doesn't tell you much, though. You will notice that your conscious perceptions are leading some of your results? That means that all you have to do is consciously choose to let go and allow the subliminal to do its thing, without expectations or preconceived notions, and it'll work just fine. Set and forget is the best way to use subliminals.

By the way, I have paid a lot of money on occasion in the past to hire male models who didn't have a face as well developed as yours. Body dismorphic disorder? If the rest of you looks anything like that you need to go get a job as a model. No kidding, my friend.

Your comment does make me aware that I’m too focused on the subliminals and probably because I feel largely dependent of them, which isn’t particularly a good sign. In my previous situation I saw them more as an add-on to my life. In my current situation they feel like they’re the main drive.

If your compliment had come from someone else I would simply dismiss it as flattery, but this coming from you I know that wouldn’t say something like this unless you’re completely honest about it. It means a whole lot to me, and it’s a great piece of reassurance that my mind is playing tricks on me. Thank you.

(08-11-2011 07:29 AM)Patti Wrote:  Jay, I am so so so proud of you! Your thought process, coming from where you’ve been and trying to get to where you want to be is outstanding! When I have some time, I’m going to go back and read your threads from the beginning. Do you have posts prior to your breakdown or right after? In any case, you’re very enlightening to say the least! Are you doing both individual and group therapy? I think group is a very good thing but needs to flow into your individual evaluations from both your doctor and yourself. There will be instances that someone in the group may talk about a certain issue that they are going through and you may not be going the exact same thing, but something they’ve said sparks a feeling in you and on some level you can relate too. This is what you need to analyze and bring to table at the individual meetings. It’s just gives you different outlooks on how different situations may of affected you or is affecting you now.

Thank you, if it wasn’t known already I appreciate your comments very much. Not to make it into something depressing but I’ve hardly heard anyone utter the words “I’m so proud of you” to anything I ever did, so this really means a lot to me It will probably be a combination of group therapy and sessions with a therapist, although I’m not entirely sure when I asked the psychiatrist about it. He was a bit unclear on that, and I didn’t see reason to ask the same question again, hoping for a better answer... I still have another journal in the mens 18+ section which didn’t had a long run but pretty much describes the process of my nervous breakdown, although at the time I didn’t exactly knew what happened to me and it took me a few months to discover that it actually was called a nervous breakdown (although this isn’t a technical term for it…). But I doubt you'll find anything enlightening in there because it mostly described my experiences and thoughts about the subliminals, I kept my personal beliefs more to myself, thinking I could be rejected or perhaps ridiculed for believing them. Because this sort of happened when I expressed a few glimpses of these to a religious discussion group, that a (past) friend recommended to me. Although looking back to it, I don't think they were the best subject group to expose these beliefs to, because mine were simply too different from theirs (in a way).

I still don’t have an exact explanation on what actually happened to me before the nervous breakdown happened, but what I am certain about is that I was on a path towards self-actualization and analyzing and cultivating more and more patterns about the human condition so that I could use them as simple tools to overcome and transform my own diseased (neurotic) and enmeshed thoughts and beliefs, this basically started when I wanted to quit smoking to impress and please a certain girl I desperately wanted to be with, but rejected me in almost every way… When that didn’t work out as I had planned or wanted, I came to the realization that if I really wanted to quit that I had to do it entirely for myself, and I had to prepare myself in the best way possible to a life of non-smoking, because I didn’t want to suffer one minute for it. I spent about 4-5 months enveloping myself into my personal smoking habits, reading as much as I could and trying to conceptualize as much as I could to have a correct understanding what smoking really is.

Going back to the everlasting smoking conversation, what I noticed from my Stop Smoking experience was the realization that my tendency to smoke consisted out of nothing else but beliefs that kept me smoking. It were only beliefs that made me crave them, because the cigarette doesn’t hold the properties and is incapable of making me crave them, I was doing that because my chosen beliefs told me to do that. The so called ‘addictive’ properties were nothing more than an unhomely feeling because my body was changing, because I stopped feeding it poison. I knew that if I craved a cigarette after quitting for 3 weeks, it was all my doing. Because statistically 99% of nicotine would have left my body by then. How can something be addictive, if there is no active compound remaining in the body to do so? It could only be me and my delusional perception of addiction. Stop Smoking is hard, if you believe it to be hard.

After I quit smoking through this mindset I began to wonder what other irrational beliefs I still held onto. Call me delusional, but I came to the conclusion that each and every belief we keep is faulty regardless, because they’re not accurate representations of reality, they’re mere ideas that don’t have anything to do with reality itself, it’s all in our minds.

Even if we had the most accurate representation of how reality works, it would still be biased through our human eyes and our human way of processing external input. You can’t know about the universe, because you’re not the universe. You can’t know about each other, because we are not each other (in a sense).

This led me to the conclusion that each and every thought and belief we ever conjured up has the same value as the next one. Because they’re valueless, and the only ones that can put value onto our beliefs are we. The only thing we do is we find beliefs, and we try to find evidence to support those beliefs, the more evidence we have to support a belief the more sturdy representation of reality it may give us, and the more certain we are of ourselves. But that belief doesn’t have to necessarily be true, but still we believe it to be. It’s all relative. Asking myself questions similar to “If humans/living beings weren’t around, what would determine diamonds are more valuable than rocks?” to bring myself more and more towards that belief

Even if we have a jury of experts to tell us what they think about a certain subject, they’re simply people that hold onto certain beliefs who project those beliefs on the subject itself and because they’re so certain about themselves we’re more prone on believing them. But it could easily be that in 100 years they could be proven entirely wrong. And that’s basically what we’re doing this entire time, prove to others that our beliefs are the most accurate than the next one, and then have others debunk our beliefs and state that their beliefs are the most accurate, ad infinitum.

The only difference with these beliefs are that they’re different representations of the same thing, whatever the thing may be. One belief may get your further in live than the next one, but they’re equally as valid. It doesn’t matter what religion you have, what political party you belong to, how many people belief the same things you believe, what you believe your purpose in life is, the only important thing to them is if they represent some facet of the beliefs you hold onto, and that these beliefs are equally valid. No one is right, and no one is wrong. Even if you’re right, after you die your name may live on with your beliefs but after we all die eventually, who’s there to carry on the torch? If you would grow up in a different area, would you still hold the same beliefs as you do now?

The universe doesn’t need us to give it its meaning, it’s just there. And it doesn't care what we believe, think or what we do in it. Otherwise it would have permitted us from doing so.

What happened during my nervous breakdown was that this concept, these philosophies (with a few others that I haven’t mentioned here) that gave me so much freedom in choosing the beliefs I wanted to belief were blanked, and replaced with an oppressive mindset that told me exactly what I couldn’t do and what I should believe, and should always look to others to tell me what’s what.

It was like having Buddha being replaced by Hitler. I still knew the ideas that derived of this mindset, but the realizations and a-ha moments that led me towards it were gone. The emotional baggage behind them was missing. I couldn't see people's opinions as mere beliefs anymore, but as facts. It’s like having your memory blanked out, while still being able to read about your experiences from a book containing your life. But you still lack the experience to empower those beliefs. But I’m grateful for your post because I didn't realize that I could write about them to this extent, it’s an indication that I haven’t lost them entirely, and that it’s a matter of time before I get at the same level I used to be but have to simply find more evidence to support these beliefs

I know it's possible to think this way, because I've been there before and that's point to strive for. I hope that this somewhat clarifies why I occasionally talk about stopping smoking so passionately, because smoking itself has nothing to give but breaking the addiction offers so much but it’s nothing more than an expression of my beliefs that of course don’t come across as clearly to everyone besides me, because we’re looking at the same thing from an entire different perspective. You have your strong reasons and beliefs to smoke, and I have my strong reasons and beliefs not to.

I’m not done the rest of your post, but I’ll rather ponder about it before I actually start writing about it, and I didn’t want to make my current post more longer and chaotic than it is already.

Also, who changed the font?