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Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
09-09-2017, 10:11 AM
Post: #861
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
I don't know why this is happening to me. Why did any of this have to happen to me? All I feel anymore is horrible excruciating pain, self-loathing, fear, anger, and horrible loneliness and depression. I don't know why this all had to happen to me, and I feel like it's never going to get any better.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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Illumi
09-09-2017, 11:50 AM
Post: #862
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
(09-09-2017 10:11 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  I don't know why this is happening to me. Why did any of this have to happen to me? All I feel anymore is horrible excruciating pain, self-loathing, fear, anger, and horrible loneliness and depression. I don't know why this all had to happen to me, and I feel like it's never going to get any better.

Find stregnth somewhere and keep going. Hard times are not here to stay they are here to pass. Hopefully 6G will be much smother and faster, until then beileve in yourself. You will make it, i assure you Big Grin

INTJ
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09-09-2017, 08:57 PM
Post: #863
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Hey Kalmah, seems to me you're going through some rough patch. Hang in there buddy. Just relish the feeling/s, then learn to let them go. Looking forward for your better days ahead man.

If You keep going, you'll get there. Consistency is the key to Success

Admitting that you need help doesn't make you broken, it makes you Fixable and Teachable.

It's gonna get Harder before it becomes easier. You just gotta make through the hard stuff first.
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09-12-2017, 06:28 PM
Post: #864
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
I'm reading my journal from the point where I had a mental breakdown and left LA up through now. I keep on writing that "I've never experienced such horrible agonizing depression", but then it's like every week later I just keep on getting worse and worse. This was even before I had a bout with sub switching this past week--I am just morbidly depressed, keep on getting horribly worse, and feel like medically ***** up now. I feel like my whole central nervous system has begun to shut down. My body is tingling, my head and eyes feel like they exist in this weird space/plane, and I can barely string together two coherent thoughts. I haven't been able to force myself to eat anything more than a slice of toast in the last 72 hours. Even drinkin water feels like something I have to force down my throat. I feel "frayed"--like my nervous system is just like on its last legs and I'm about close to cracking wide open. I haven't run a single sub now in about 3 or 4 days, but actually I'm not finding any relief, things are just spiraling more out of control for me and my symptoms are growing worse.

I am so flat-out horribly depressed but it's gotten to the point where I just feel like I'm literally going to die. It's not so much that I *want* to die, but like my emotional cores have just become so overwhelmed and assaulted with this excruciating pain that my brain is just giving up and I'm basically non-functional at this point. Even typing this post has taken me about 2 hours--my brain and body are just not functioning. I can't walk, I can't talk to my mom or peolpe around me, I'm not even actually doing anything, I mostly just sit in my room and stare at a blank computer screen. I can't process the video games I try to play, I can't read my facebook wall--I can see and make out the words but again it's just like staring at an empty screen.

My entire brain and body has *literally* completely shut down. I don't think this is because I switched subs back and forth for a few days. I think this is something much worse, and much more sinister. I think this has been building for a long, long time, even when I stayed true to my AM6 run or my original DMSI run--whatever this is, whatever healing/clearing is taking place, is either going to change my life forever, or *literally* kill me. Again, I've stopped listening to all subs for the past 3 days, and I'm still only getting worse. I am *literally* almost *completely* comatose.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-12-2017, 07:09 PM
Post: #865
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Quote: Again, I've stopped listening to all subs for the past 3 days, and I'm still only getting worse. I am *literally* almost *completely* comatose.
Hang in there...See how you'll feel in one week from now on, free of subs.

INFP-T.
DMSI (24 Days) >> APE + OP (~30 Days) >> DMSI (Now Smoke )
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09-18-2017, 07:36 AM (This post was last modified: 09-18-2017 07:38 AM by kalmah0804.)
Post: #866
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
None of these subs work. Took a few days off so I started to feel better. on Day 8 of DMSI 3.1-A. Been getting lots of tinder matches but girls constantly stand me up for dates day-of or cancel on me last minute. Have been cold emailing companies that I Am WAY WAY WAY too overqualified to work for for job opportunities but have been getting rejected from every single one of them.

Time to face the facts: I'm a failure, a loser, an outcast and a reject, and I always will be. Subs can't help me and neither can I. I can't write or work out because I'm too depressed. I'm too depressed because I don't have anything good or real in my life that can help make me feel like my life has worth, hope, value, or make me feel like I have confidence. SO I can't write, I can't work out, I can't socialize, I can't get girls to agree to go out on dates with me, and I can't get hired. Might as well just give up on trying at life, right?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-18-2017, 08:12 AM
Post: #867
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
I can't get a job, I can't make friends, I can't get a date or get laid, I can't do anything--there's no point in living if you've never had anything good ever happen to you, have only had horrible amounts of terribly painful and awful stuff happen to you, and there's legitimately a 0% possibility of anything remotely good ever happening to you at some point in the future. What's the point of living? I'm not the one broken--the rest of society is for treating me this way since the day I was born.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-18-2017, 11:24 AM
Post: #868
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
I think in 24 days if I haven't gotten a complete 180-degree turnaround--meaning my life is back on the up and up, I'm socially stable and emotionally healthy, I can get a job or a girlfriend, et cetera--if I don't have those tings by the time these 32 days of DMSI-A are up, I'm gonna kill myself.

Sorry if that shocks you. But I just don't want to keep living like a loser, but know that I have been fighting, clawing tooth and nail for the last 4 years to not be like one, and I am somehow even more of a loser than I was when I started. At least I had friends who liked me and people who saw something in me. Now I've driven those people away in my ego, thinking I am too good for them, and at the same time, killing myself every day every waking minute of my life in constant agony for not having any type of success in my life whatsoever.

Most of you all here probably had friends growing up, or had two parents who were there for you, or had a teacher who helped mold your life, or had a girlfirend, or have had many girflriends, or had ***** something positive in your life at one point or another--I have never had anything remotely good in my life... just pure endless constant agony and misery and self-loathing and loneliness since the day I was born.

SO 24 days. That's Friday, October 13th. If I don't see a change by then, I'm OD'ing on every bit of my medication I can find. Bottoms up!

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-18-2017, 01:44 PM
Post: #869
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
e. I know it's hard but you gotta take life by the helm and conquer it. Have you looked into Detoxing or Using UD (why are you using DMSI when we suggested to either use E2 or UD on the forum).

And most of us did not have friends while growing up, we were outcasts, Lonley, shitted on and women would laugh at us and disrespect us.

"'m not the one broken--the rest of society is for treating me this way since the day I was born."


This quote shows that you have an external locus of control instead of and internal and you are a slave to your circumstances instead of a master. I will post in the new religion thread what will happen if you commit suicide. But Ben you might wanna report this man's IP to the Suicide Hot line because we don't want a death in the subliminal-talk.com family.

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 01:48 PM
Post: #870
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
And you honestly think in 24 days your gonna be an Alpha Male basically then you are deluded and your basically just gave yourself only one option which is suicide.

And also saying you have never had anything good in your life is a lie and you can be debunked by just finding posts on the forum which disproves that. Your painting very broad strokes with a thin brush and that is dangerous.

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 01:58 PM
Post: #871
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
http://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-The-Ne...#pid180622

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 03:10 PM
Post: #872
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Thanks for the talk man. I'm gonna take the night off to calm down and see how I feel in the morning. UD was too much for me (same as DMSI) but didn't have any of the confidence building effects that DMSI has had on me so far. So I went with DMSI, it's just been really brutal these first 8 days. During my last breakdown I had been running DMSI as well for exactly 8 days, so maybe this is just really bad resistance that I need to keep pushing through.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-18-2017, 03:23 PM
Post: #873
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Your welcome

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 04:47 PM
Post: #874
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Strong feelings of agitated depression and hostility are back, coupled with obsessive thoughts about wanting to die soon or take out others with me. Something in this sub unleashes such a horrible, twisted, buried and primal anger and hatred, both on myself and on the world in general for treating me the way it has for the past 26 years. Never in my life have I been a violent man--mostly just whiney and cowardly--but now I am ***** outraged. I want to walk outside and beat the shit out of the first person I come across, put them in the hospital or worse. I want to find a way to access the roof of my building and jump off so I can show people how much brutal pain they've put me in.

I want a way to end this hellish nightmare, but the thing I have to keep telling myself is that the only way out is through. There's no avoiding this. Whatever this sub is unleashing inside of me, it's something that 2 AM6 runs, 6 months of E2 and 3 months of DMSI 301A couldn't even touch. This feels like I've completely regressed mentally and emotionally to 12 or 13 year old me, back when I was at my most volatile, unstable, and weakest. The wounds that have begun to reopen, feelings and age-old resentments that I have harbored with me my entire life are consuming me with the same full force that they did when I was going through the worst of it as a kid. This is utter hell. My mom wants to put me in a 'day clinic' where I spend every hour I'm awake on suicide watch and doing group therapy, but I know that won't help. Nobody who was ever successful has been on suicide watch in their early lives or has done 'group therapy'. These are trials of the soul and I have to undergo them on my own. I am seeing my second EMDR specialist tomorrow--the first one turned me away on account of me being 'too unstable'--it's a long trek out to see this one, she's all the way in Connecticut, which means I'll be taking the train. If she turns me away too, she's my last and only hope for fully unsurfacing these brutal painful traumatic memories and feelings, so I'll probably be killing myself right then and there if she refuses to help.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-18-2017, 05:29 PM
Post: #875
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
God Damm stop with that all or nothing behavior. Only siths deal in absolutes. HAVE YOU TRIED BIOENERGETICS OR TRAUMA RELEASING EXCERSIZES LIKE I TOLD YOU IN SHANNONS JOURNAL DISCUSSION. There are many ways to heal trauma and I suggest you read over the advice that the forum members gave you in Shannons Journal Discussion.

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 05:32 PM
Post: #876
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
And a lot of people who are successful have done group therapy, it's called alcoholics anonymous. Read Robert Downey Jrs story. Was addicted to hard drugs sine 8. Now he's Hollywoods highest paid actor.

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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09-18-2017, 05:55 PM
Post: #877
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Kalmah, what is it you want?

You have consistently refused to follow the directions on these subs. You switch subs constantly. You've been told my many people, not just me, not to do that, and many times. You do it every time it starts doing something or getting scary, I'd bet. And when you do that, switch subs constantly, especially with all these really powerful ones, you know what you're going to do?

You will create a perpetual state of confusion and instability and emotional gridlock. Because your subconscious is trying to do all this at once, and a lot of the instructions contradict from one program goal to another.

Which is why I say in the instructions, and everywhere else... don't do that. Use one program to completion, and then take a break, and then move on to the next one.

So, once again, I will tell you, as clearly as I can.

Stop using subs. Altogether. Period. Mine and everyone else's. You need to stop destabilizing yourself by creating this confusion and gridlock and focus on your conventional therapies. You are not making things better for yourself or anyone else by ignoring the instructions and then constantly talking about killing yourself.

Stop using subs, and focus on your conventional therapies.

Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
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09-18-2017, 06:04 PM (This post was last modified: 09-18-2017 06:06 PM by Blink.)
Post: #878
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
(09-18-2017 04:47 PM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Strong feelings of agitated depression and hostility are back, coupled with obsessive thoughts about wanting to die soon or take out others with me. Something in this sub unleashes such a horrible, twisted, buried and primal anger and hatred, both on myself and on the world in general for treating me the way it has for the past 26 years. Never in my life have I been a violent man--mostly just whiney and cowardly--but now I am ***** outraged. I want to walk outside and beat the shit out of the first person I come across, put them in the hospital or worse. I want to find a way to access the roof of my building and jump off so I can show people how much brutal pain they've put me in.

I want a way to end this hellish nightmare, but the thing I have to keep telling myself is that the only way out is through. There's no avoiding this. Whatever this sub is unleashing inside of me, it's something that 2 AM6 runs, 6 months of E2 and 3 months of DMSI 301A couldn't even touch. This feels like I've completely regressed mentally and emotionally to 12 or 13 year old me, back when I was at my most volatile, unstable, and weakest. The wounds that have begun to reopen, feelings and age-old resentments that I have harbored with me my entire life are consuming me with the same full force that they did when I was going through the worst of it as a kid. This is utter hell. My mom wants to put me in a 'day clinic' where I spend every hour I'm awake on suicide watch and doing group therapy, but I know that won't help. Nobody who was ever successful has been on suicide watch in their early lives or has done 'group therapy'. These are trials of the soul and I have to undergo them on my own. I am seeing my second EMDR specialist tomorrow--the first one turned me away on account of me being 'too unstable'--it's a long trek out to see this one, she's all the way in Connecticut, which means I'll be taking the train. If she turns me away too, she's my last and only hope for fully unsurfacing these brutal painful traumatic memories and feelings, so I'll probably be killing myself right then and there if she refuses to help.

From the sound of your post you're healing full force. If you think it's the sub, can I suggest you stop it for a while, until this difficult phase has calmed down a little? Shannon mentions it regularly, if it gets too much to deal with, just give it a break. (EDIT: He even beat me to it)

On another note, there's good is suffering too. Keep that in mind. When this is all over, you'll probably be grateful you've been through it. Take the Holocaust victims as examples. Many of the survivors have said that they led even happier lives than before, when the War was over. Many of them even said that, it gave better and clearer direction to their lives, even after suffering the consequences so hard. So it depends on how you wanna look at what you're going through.

If you're interested in the idea that it could actually be good, read the book "Man's Search For Meaning", from Victor Frankl. It's a short book and it might change your views and give you a different perspective to what you're going through. I think it'll be well worth it.

INFJ
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09-18-2017, 06:24 PM (This post was last modified: 09-18-2017 06:26 PM by Duke.Togo.)
Post: #879
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
This post isn't for Kalmah. It's for everyone else who posts on Kalmah's journal, except for Shannon.

If you haven't noticed, all you guys are doing is reenforcing a belief that Kalmah should continue on with the subs to come out the other side. None of us are qualified individuals to guide him, and this constant reenforcement is what Kalmah takes and hops back on a sub.

If someone is on a internet forum, stating that they want to kill themselves, telling that person that they should keep going and continue using a sub, is not the answer. Not in any way, shape, or form.

Shannon has told Kalmah several times that he should quit the subs and take a break. If there is one person who understand the subs better than anyone else, it's Shannon. So, now that Shannon has spoken again, let's leave Kalmah be, and not come with some happy self reenforcement of how he'll magically heal if he keeps running subs.

The best advice we can give is no advice at all.
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09-18-2017, 07:34 PM (This post was last modified: 09-18-2017 07:45 PM by Daredevil.)
Post: #880
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
I guess then you quit Subs and focus on more conventional healing for a while like Shannon says.

And Duke, he wasn't running healing subs for a reasonable amount of time in the first place without switching. That's why we kept on saying to push through.

It's Klamaths choice to follow our advice and nobody else.

E2 Start Date: March 6th 2016
E2 End Date: November 1st 2017

UD Start Date: October 15 2017
UD End date: July 1st 2019



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