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Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
09-28-2014, 08:22 AM
Post: #21
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 40

So I don't really know what to do anymore. I feel like the sub has completely stopped affecting me. I used to get this really bright and hopeful feeling whenever I listened to the sub at certain parts, like I was suddenly getting really happy. Now, it's nothing. I've even tried changing my set up to various different speakers, and various volume settings. I've upped my daily-dosage now to 21 hours a day (which I believe is the maximum), and still, nothing.

I feel like all of the progress I had made with this sub in the first 21 days or so has gone back down. I can no longer really make eye contact with women, let alone confidently talk to them. I am constantly thinking about my dad, which is always getting me really down. I no longer have any motivation, or desire, to do anything at all but sit at home on my ass all day playing videogames, just so I can avoid basic human contact, so I can avoid feeling upset about myself, or upset about the loss of my dad and my best friends (who all graduated ahead of me and have moved to LA without me now).

I don't know if this feeling of lack of progress is resistance or something. Obviously I'm going to keep on trucking away with this until hopefully some progress is made again.

Was it bad of me to raise my daily dosage to 21 hours a day? Basically what I do now is listen to the sub while I sleep, wake up, take a break for 3 hours where I don't listen to any subs at all, and then turn the sub back on for the rest of the day. I read that you can use the sub up to 21 hours a day so long as you aren't getting headaches. I just felt like when I was only using it for 8-12 hours a day I wasn't really making very much progress...

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
09-28-2014, 08:42 AM
Post: #22
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I don't think 21h/day exposure is a good thing. That was my goal at the beginning, but I soon found that sometimes I had this urge to stop listening to it for a hour or so to let my brain rest a little. After some experimentation my goal right now is 16-18h/day with 12-18h/day in practice. Also I never listen to subs after I wake up, I don't know why but intuition tells me so. I feel it's best to start listening 2 hours after waking up. It helps my brain to process all of this and gives it some rest while it should have been resting during the night.

Sad to hear about your setback though, I've had episode like that but it went back to normal quite fast. Hopefully you gonna deal with this soon. Think about wiser usage of subs, maybe here lies the problem. If not then think about changing subs, LTU does very good job for me and if it's too expensive you can try OGSF. I'd rather stick with one sub though, safer that way. Anyhow don't give up and keep posting Smile
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GlaizenGold777
09-28-2014, 11:29 AM
Post: #23
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I would assume that this is resistance. Generally speaking, you are due for a big break through when everything feels at its worst. Your mind is trying to avoid changing your reality so it tells you that the sub isn't working etc. Ignore it and carry on.
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09-28-2014, 11:48 AM
Post: #24
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I had few moments like that when I was listening LTU 3.1. What I did, I stopped sub for 4/5 days and then again start to listen. I felt much better later on. But u can do that experience when it is single stage sub and 21 hours is too much. 14 to 16 usually is the sweet spot. You can try there. Sometimes sleeping longer hours create good impact on sub result too. Good luck.
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10-18-2014, 08:16 AM (This post was last modified: 10-18-2014 08:17 AM by kalmah0804.)
Post: #25
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 60

Man. Reading back over this thread, it's hard not to marvel over the massive improvements I've made over this time, especially since the first post. I've been noticing that I've been really optimistic lately, almost all of the time. I'm never tense and I never really get that upset. I've barely ever been thinking about my dad lately, but when I do, it's never associated with any kind of terrible sadness or depression. I've been a lot more focused on my classes and schoolwork lately, I've slowly but surely been crawling my way back to a moodset where I feel like I can get creative and practice writing again.

I've noticed that I've been walking around and interacting with people I know (or don't know) with a lot more self reassuredness and, dare I say, even a bit of confidence. When talking with girls, especially with girls that I know that I'm attracted to, I feel very relaxed. I no longer feel giddy or nervous, as if I desperately needed to seek out their approval, or feel like I feared they would be revolted or turned off by something I said or did. I feel like I can just be my usual calm, funny, charming self and socialize for the sake of socializing. I no longer feel nervous when there's a long lull of silence in a conversation. I no longer feel like when that silence comes I need to fill the void with something I can say--anything I can say--which usually ends up in me saying something weird or stupid and making things incredibly awkward.

Of course, recently I've been seeing a therapist about once every two weeks to talk and vent, which has helped a bit in coordination with this sub, which I still believe has been doing most of the heavy lifting.

I'm going to continue doing this thing until the end of February (I believe that'll be like a total of 192 days listened to this sub, or something like that) to get the full and permanent effects, but I just wanted to thank Shannon and everyone else so far who's kept me motivated to keep on trucking away and listening to this sub for the first 60 days. Even though there were lots of downtimes, I definitely feel like I've improved a lot, and I still feel like I've got a ton more to improve myself on!

One last question, before I go:

I wanted to start doing daily meditation in the morning for about 20-30 minutes a day, because they say that relaxing meditation in the morning helps people with ADD and some of the other things that I have, and it's just an overall good thing to do to help improve my focus, calm, and centered-nes.

I think though that I read somewhere on these forums that usually other daily-meditation rituals can mess with the sub's effectiveness, so I haven't started doing it yet.

I just wanted to know, either from Shannon, or someone else who knows what they're talking about, if daily meditation/self-hypnosis can mess with my usage of the sub, or if it's harmless and I can start doing both every day.

Thanks!

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
10-20-2014, 07:22 PM
Post: #26
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
So I'm thinking that I might give this sub just one more week and then I might switch to my 4g alpha male set.

I really feel like I've seen some major improvements in my life with this sub, but now I'm still suffering from a small amount of nerves around some people and I really feel like its time for me to get my pazazz on. I think running am will give me more confidence, drive and focus. Plus I wanna start doing more significant subs after this minor one has already helped me so much.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
10-20-2014, 11:43 PM
Post: #27
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
You're really impatient, are you? Do what you think is best and what your intuition tells you, but I think you should wait a bit longer. Building stronger base won't hurt before you'll be bombarding your mind with AM.
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GlaizenGold777
10-21-2014, 06:43 AM
Post: #28
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(10-20-2014 11:43 PM)Mateunio Wrote:  You're really impatient, are you? Do what you think is best and what your intuition tells you, but I think you should wait a bit longer. Building stronger base won't hurt before you'll be bombarding your mind with AM.

Yeah I realize now after a good nights sleep that you're totally right. I've already made such good progress with this sub alone in 60 days. I can't wait to see what I'm like after 190 days. I'm sure that at this rate, even without running asc or am or anything else I'll be in the best mental and emotions shape of my life.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
10-22-2014, 10:36 AM
Post: #29
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Sorry to take so long responding.

Meditation should not bother the sub, so long as you're doing a meditation based on a singular point of focus that is simple.

Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
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GlaizenGold777
10-23-2014, 04:47 AM
Post: #30
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(10-22-2014 10:36 AM)Shannon Wrote:  Sorry to take so long responding.

Meditation should not bother the sub, so long as you're doing a meditation based on a singular point of focus that is simple.

Okay, cool, thanks. So like mine is just for relaxation, I usually just tell myself to calm down, relax, and focus on my breathing for like 30 minutes or so. Usually about halfway through I start either trying to imagine that I'm relaxing on a nice warm beach, or I'll start focusing on individual muscle groups/parts of my body and try to focus on relaxing them each individually.

Would that be okay, or do you think that it would screw with my results from the sub?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
10-24-2014, 10:13 AM
Post: #31
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 66

This past week or so hasn't been so great for me. One of my two best friends moved out to Los Angeles last Monday and they've been living together, doing everything together, leaving me completely out of the loop. We used to talk over Skype for hours every single day, now, I barely have any contact with them whatsoever, and I'm starting to feel really lonely and a little bit depressed again.

I know that if I can try to keep on staying positive and smiling things will change around for me, but right now it sucks feeling this lonely, bored, uninspired and just plain out deflated.

I've messaged a girl I'm into on Facebook to see if she wants to hang out this weekend, and if not, I'll message a couple of dudes I know from school who might want to chill out. I think it's time for me to start forcing my way into some social circles and start trying to make new friends, at least until I can finish my degree so I can move out to LA to join my other two best friends.

Hopefully things will turn around for me soon and I won't feel so negative and tossed aside for too long.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
10-26-2014, 06:22 AM
Post: #32
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 68

Things have been a little bit better this weekend. I lowered the listening volume on the subs a bit and for some reason that's helped me feel a little bit happier and more relaxed. I went to a tiny little party on Friday and even though nothing major really happened and there wasn't really anyone there (it ended up being a very tiny gathering of people with only one person I really knew there, and we talked for maybe 20-30 minutes, I shook hands with a few other people and then just left) I was kind of proud of myself because I realized that it was something that I normally never would have done before I started listening to this sub.

Normally I probably would have flaked out last minute and just decided to stay home all day in my pajamas playing videogames, so just the fact that I am confident enough in myself to go out of my way to engage in social encounters made me feel pretty happy.

I've noticed that for most of my life, I seem to always have grandiose expectations for things that are about to happen that I want to happen--like, for instance, if I get a girls phone number, in my crazy head, I might start imagining an entire years-long relationship in my head, when realistically, I only just got this girl's number. Then, I'll try way, way too hard to try and make that expectation a possibility, and weird out the girl and never hear from her again.

Now, I'm at a stage in my life where I'm so okay with myself and who I am that I just feel like, laid back, and that I don't have any expectations when I talk to people--I don't feel like I crave their approval or their friendship or their laughter or anything, I just feel like I'm talking with people for the sake of talking--and I've been noticing that I've been having way, way more success talking with both men and women when I don't feel a pressure to try and push a friendship or a romance into our conversation--like I hang out at this student lounge everyday and talk with a bunch of people, and I've gotten to know some of these people really, really well, and just the other day I was invited to hang out with them all privately--but that's the first time in a really long time that I've hung out with a new group of friends.

Most times, I feel so much internal pressure to talk to someone for like, 5 minutes, get their facebook profile/phone number/whatever, leave hurriedly, and then message with them until they hang out.

It feels good not having this huge internal need to befriend someone right away. It's just good to feel more relaxed in social situations than I ever have in the past. I go into an encounter with no expectations or needs or motives whatsoever, and it's really liberating. It allows me to just have a really good conversation with someone, and then, if they ask to see me again, that's just like, an added bonus for me.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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10-26-2014, 06:45 AM
Post: #33
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Hi Kalmah, I'm glad your getting good results. I agree that expectations get in the way of achieving a happy and rewarding life. I had a teacher that always said expect nothing gain everything. Good luck.

Some of the best days of your life haven't happened yet.

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.

Do you want to get better or do you just want to end the suffering?
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10-30-2014, 08:38 AM
Post: #34
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 72

I feel yet again like the sub has stopped effecting me and like I've just stopped growing. That being said, I know that I can examine my life and take a step back and realize that I actually am doing a lot of progressing. I've recently started hanging out with a great new group of friends, which is filled with both guys and girls (for all of my life I've always acted too anxiously around girls to get into friend groups with both sexes in it), and I've been always feeling really relaxed in almost all social situations I've been in.

I've felt more motivated to get off of my ass, get out of the house, and put myself into social situations. I almost always shirk out of social events at the last minute and choose to just spend all of my time in my den playing videogames or whatever. These past 7 days I've gone to 3 different "parties" and had a great time at every one of them.

That being said, I still usually feel a general state of sadness, lifelessness, and just a sort of loneliness/emptiness almost all the time. I have basically no motivation to do anything productive or self-improving with my time alone. Hopefully more listening to this sub will help improve that, too, though.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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11-01-2014, 12:31 PM
Post: #35
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 74

Today's been a bit of an off day. Yesterday I felt absolutely terrible for the first half or so, like life was pointless and everything I did had no meaning, and like I was terribly alone in the universe and all that depressive shit. I had a relaxing evening. I got invited to go out on Halloween night with a bunch of my friends to a school hockey game. I had always wanted to sign up for the hockey team but never actually did, and it's been something I've always regretted. I never signed up because I thought I wasn't going to be good enough and that I would waste false hope trying out. I've never actually seen the team play, though, and I've played with a couple of players for the team over the years and I've always been much, much better than them. I've always wanted to go to an NYU hockey game to see the level of competition for myself and know if I should have or shouldn't have ever tried out for the team.

I just felt really down on myself and like absolute shit yesterday though, so I flaked on my friends and told them that "something came up, so I can't go." I feel now like that was the wrong thing to do, like that was a step back in all of the progress I've been making recently.

I just feel so... drained. Like all the time. I'm completely devoid of any motivation or willpower or desire to be, to live, to explore, to improve myself. All I ever want to do is just sit at home and watch TV or play videogames. I still haven't written whatsoever since my father died, I told myself over the summer I was gonna write a bunch of tv shows and movies, I was going to do P90X and get ripped, I was going to teach myself how to play guitar well enough so that I could write some basic metal songs for myself to play.

When my father died, it just totally completely sapped me of any will or yearning or desire to do any of those things. And now, even when I try to force myself to use my time productively, to do my homework or work out or write or go out and socialize, I just have no strength, no willpower to fight myself and force myself into going out and doing any of those things.

I'm pretty much failing all of my classes this semester because I haven't had the ability to go to class, and when I do go to class, I'm so drained of energy that I can't really listen or participate or focus on anything that the teachers are saying. When I do do my homework and I read for class I'm reading the stuff but I'm not really taking it all down--I read the text but the letters don't stick in my brain.

I feel really helpless and lost these days. But it's weird, some days I'll feel right as an arrow, and like driven and energetic and focused--but only up to a certain point. I can force myself to go to class, I can force myself to socialize, but every time I do I feel like I always just set myself up for massive disappointment.

I recently installed Tindr (the dating app) on my phone and have been "liking" tons and tons of girls both super hot and just so-so in my area, hoping to make a meaningful inspiring connection with someone, but I haven't had a single "match". I don't know why that is. I happen to think that I'm a pretty good looking guy. My friends all think my pictures on the app are awesome as hell, but for some reason, women in my area don't seem to feel the same way. I had one girl favorite me back, but the second I messaged her saying "Hey, how's it going?" she removed me. I haven't had any luck since.

My two best friends are living together in LA and are moving on to bigger and better things without me. They've made a new third best friend and I feel like they are starting to prefer hanging out with her than they do skyping at all with me. I have a new small circle of friends in my school, but I don't really always feel all that close or connected with them. I keep on socializing with them because I keep on hoping that one or two guys (or girls) will stand out amongst the crowd and I'll have a really special friendship (or relationship) with them, but so far, nothing has really gone my way.

My mom is really stretched for cash and since I'm living with her, her constant tension and worrying has really started affecting me, as well. Now, my therapist, who I feel has been helping me a lot, will have to stop seeing me because I can no longer afford to pay for my appointments with him, and he doesn't accept my mom's cheap healthcare provider.

It just feels like nothing is going my way. In fact, it feels like everything is actively going against me. I can't get girls to like me. I can't write or practice my chosen craft. I can't get the energy or the willpower to do anything about any of these things and try to improve myself. I can't continue to hang out over Skype with my two only close friends and my "Friends" that I have currently at school I'd barely qualify as such. My relationship with my only remaining parent has become incredibly strained due to our own individual troublesome emotional states. I'm failing in all of my classes, which only makes me further and further away from graduating and moving out to LA to join my two close friends and actually feel like I'm making progress with my life once again.

For all of the bad things that have happened in my life, usually, when things get dark, very quickly something happens, whether by the universe's will or some divine force's blessing, and makes up for all of the bad shit that is going on in my life. The last time I was depressed, a few years ago in school, I was failing all of my classes and I felt no motivation or point towards continuing my degree, and then, one day, completely out of the blue, I met my best friend and became close with him, as well as my other best friend (who was a part of our small-knit social group at the time). Something good always happens to me to balance out the bad and help me focus on what's important in my life.

But now, it's been almost 3 months since my Dad died and I've started unraveling into this terrible depression... and there's no end in sight. For all that this sub has helped me improve as a person and as an individual--as a human being who functions within society in normal, acceptable ways--the world is just really having it's way with me, and I'm reminded how helpless I feel, and how pointless all of the improvements I've been making really are. Because even though I've grown a lot since I started this sub, all of my growth feels pointless and completely wasted.

Because when I take a step back and examine my life, even though I feel so much more content with myself, and even though I don't get as nervous and weird around girls I think are cute, and even though I've been feeling slightly more at peace with the passing of my father...

... I'm still alone. It feels like nobody really likes me or wants to be with me. And that really, really sucks.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
11-01-2014, 12:53 PM
Post: #36
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I can't tell that I understand your feeling because it's impossible to feel what other truly feels, but I've went through something similar 2 weeks ago with LTU. I still am to be honest, but that was negative apex, the bottom of the bottom. For one day I felt what I can only describe as being heartbroken, but the cause was none. I felt hopeless and helpless, able to only lay down, watch YouTube videos and sap some beer to ease it all. I thought LTU stopped working and all the listening went to waste. Since then I had a couple of downs (even today I have minor one), but it all got better and things sorted themselves out.

All I can advice you is to stay strong, find something to hold on to and wait for the storm to pass. It's good you can see hope at the end of the tunnel, use that thought to cheer yourself out. It's always darkest just before the dawn, remember that Smile

For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
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11-04-2014, 05:53 AM
Post: #37
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Hey, so quick question about calibrating the volume for the ultrasonic sub.

If I can hear the undertones on my current volume level of the Ocean Surf track, but I can't hear the undertones at my current volume of the 20k-20,000khz speaker audio test, I'm still okay, right? I don't need to be raising the volume or switching any of my devices?

When I raise the volume too high on my current set of speakers, only then can I hear the undertones of the speaker test program. But I just want to make sure that I can run it slightly lower, since I can actually hear everything at lower volumes from both Trickling Stream and Ocean Surf tracks.

Thanks!

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
11-04-2014, 10:29 PM
Post: #38
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(11-01-2014 12:31 PM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Day 74

Today's been a bit of an off day. Yesterday I felt absolutely terrible for the first half or so, like life was pointless and everything I did had no meaning, and like I was terribly alone in the universe and all that depressive shit. I had a relaxing evening. I got invited to go out on Halloween night with a bunch of my friends to a school hockey game. I had always wanted to sign up for the hockey team but never actually did, and it's been something I've always regretted. I never signed up because I thought I wasn't going to be good enough and that I would waste false hope trying out. I've never actually seen the team play, though, and I've played with a couple of players for the team over the years and I've always been much, much better than them. I've always wanted to go to an NYU hockey game to see the level of competition for myself and know if I should have or shouldn't have ever tried out for the team.

I just felt really down on myself and like absolute shit yesterday though, so I flaked on my friends and told them that "something came up, so I can't go." I feel now like that was the wrong thing to do, like that was a step back in all of the progress I've been making recently.

I just feel so... drained. Like all the time. I'm completely devoid of any motivation or willpower or desire to be, to live, to explore, to improve myself. All I ever want to do is just sit at home and watch TV or play videogames. I still haven't written whatsoever since my father died, I told myself over the summer I was gonna write a bunch of tv shows and movies, I was going to do P90X and get ripped, I was going to teach myself how to play guitar well enough so that I could write some basic metal songs for myself to play.

When my father died, it just totally completely sapped me of any will or yearning or desire to do any of those things. And now, even when I try to force myself to use my time productively, to do my homework or work out or write or go out and socialize, I just have no strength, no willpower to fight myself and force myself into going out and doing any of those things.

I'm pretty much failing all of my classes this semester because I haven't had the ability to go to class, and when I do go to class, I'm so drained of energy that I can't really listen or participate or focus on anything that the teachers are saying. When I do do my homework and I read for class I'm reading the stuff but I'm not really taking it all down--I read the text but the letters don't stick in my brain.

I feel really helpless and lost these days. But it's weird, some days I'll feel right as an arrow, and like driven and energetic and focused--but only up to a certain point. I can force myself to go to class, I can force myself to socialize, but every time I do I feel like I always just set myself up for massive disappointment.

I recently installed Tindr (the dating app) on my phone and have been "liking" tons and tons of girls both super hot and just so-so in my area, hoping to make a meaningful inspiring connection with someone, but I haven't had a single "match". I don't know why that is. I happen to think that I'm a pretty good looking guy. My friends all think my pictures on the app are awesome as hell, but for some reason, women in my area don't seem to feel the same way. I had one girl favorite me back, but the second I messaged her saying "Hey, how's it going?" she removed me. I haven't had any luck since.

My two best friends are living together in LA and are moving on to bigger and better things without me. They've made a new third best friend and I feel like they are starting to prefer hanging out with her than they do skyping at all with me. I have a new small circle of friends in my school, but I don't really always feel all that close or connected with them. I keep on socializing with them because I keep on hoping that one or two guys (or girls) will stand out amongst the crowd and I'll have a really special friendship (or relationship) with them, but so far, nothing has really gone my way.

My mom is really stretched for cash and since I'm living with her, her constant tension and worrying has really started affecting me, as well. Now, my therapist, who I feel has been helping me a lot, will have to stop seeing me because I can no longer afford to pay for my appointments with him, and he doesn't accept my mom's cheap healthcare provider.

It just feels like nothing is going my way. In fact, it feels like everything is actively going against me. I can't get girls to like me. I can't write or practice my chosen craft. I can't get the energy or the willpower to do anything about any of these things and try to improve myself. I can't continue to hang out over Skype with my two only close friends and my "Friends" that I have currently at school I'd barely qualify as such. My relationship with my only remaining parent has become incredibly strained due to our own individual troublesome emotional states. I'm failing in all of my classes, which only makes me further and further away from graduating and moving out to LA to join my two close friends and actually feel like I'm making progress with my life once again.

For all of the bad things that have happened in my life, usually, when things get dark, very quickly something happens, whether by the universe's will or some divine force's blessing, and makes up for all of the bad shit that is going on in my life. The last time I was depressed, a few years ago in school, I was failing all of my classes and I felt no motivation or point towards continuing my degree, and then, one day, completely out of the blue, I met my best friend and became close with him, as well as my other best friend (who was a part of our small-knit social group at the time). Something good always happens to me to balance out the bad and help me focus on what's important in my life.

But now, it's been almost 3 months since my Dad died and I've started unraveling into this terrible depression... and there's no end in sight. For all that this sub has helped me improve as a person and as an individual--as a human being who functions within society in normal, acceptable ways--the world is just really having it's way with me, and I'm reminded how helpless I feel, and how pointless all of the improvements I've been making really are. Because even though I've grown a lot since I started this sub, all of my growth feels pointless and completely wasted.

Because when I take a step back and examine my life, even though I feel so much more content with myself, and even though I don't get as nervous and weird around girls I think are cute, and even though I've been feeling slightly more at peace with the passing of my father...

... I'm still alone. It feels like nobody really likes me or wants to be with me. And that really, really sucks.



Have you tried PSTEC to sort out your emotions?

If you haven't I suggest you do because it is extremely helpful.

Check it out, use the free products and let us know how it sorted you out.
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GlaizenGold777
11-05-2014, 07:26 AM
Post: #39
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
What does PSTEC stand for?

And no, I've been using EHPRA to heal my various emotional wounds, most of which I believe are firmly ingrained into my subconscious after years and years of emotional abuse from those around me.

Also, I don't want to stop using EHPRA, and you can't use any other subs while you're using a 5G sub.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
11-07-2014, 06:22 AM
Post: #40
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 80

So after a lot of thinking about where I'm at in my life right now and how much I've grown since starting to use EPHRA almost 3 months ago, I decided yesterday that I'm going to start using my Alpha Male sub. I know that the first stage is supposed to have some EPHRA in it, as well, so right now I'm at a point in my life where I can make a perfect transition but still get a little bit of EPHRA in me for the next few weeks.

I feel a lot more assured in myself, especially in social situations, which normally would give me way too many nerves to function effectively. I've grieved a lot more normally over the death of my father, and I think/dream about him less and less every day. I used to hold a lot of blame for both my mother and my father, for the way they raised me, which turned me into this anti-social creep, but I've realized now that they just did the best they could, and really actually mostly did a great job, but that I was severely bullied all of the time because of my Tourette Syndrome and that there's nobody to blame for my lack of social success except myself.

I've slowly learned to love and appreciate myself for who I am and accept me for me in any given circumstance.

However, I'm sick of the world not knowing how great I am, and I'm going to do everything in my power to change that, starting with the Alpha Male set. It's about time that I take my raw talent, smarts and charisma and start unlocking their capabilities to be used to dominate a room when I walk into it, or feel unlimited ambition and confidence to accomplish whatever tasks I have set before me.

I started running Stage 1 last night and felt really great.

My question, though, is this:

On 5th generation subliminals, the directions say you can use them from anywhere of 8-21 hours. I usually ran my 5G sub anywhere from 14-18 hours a day and felt like I got a lot of success from that much time dedicated to listening.

But upon reading both the 4G AM directions, as well as just the general 4G sub directions, it says that I shouldn't exceed my exposure for anything more than 12 hours a day.

Now, my question is, are those outdated/incorrect insructions? If I listened to my AM subs for 14-18 hours a day, or even 14-16 hours a day, would that be too much?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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