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Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
09-08-2014, 02:34 PM (This post was last modified: 07-17-2017 05:04 AM by kalmah0804.)
Post: #1
Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal (AM6.0 Third Run)
Hey guys... so I thought maybe it would do me some good to run a journal here so I could keep track of my progress as an individual through this extended time period. I'm already well into my first stage of Emotional Healing 5G listening, but I've been wanting to do a journal of it for a while and I figured it's never too late to start.

First, a little about me:

I'm a 23 year old male stuck at a very prestigious university due to a myriad of reasons. I'm an aspiring filmmaker attending one of the best (if not THE best) film schools in the world, where I have *technically* finished at the top of my class with the highest of regards from my elite professors that I've had along the way.

All of that, of course, means diddly squat, because I'm stuck in school for at least another year because I lazily cut or slept through all of my other required classes, like my electives, social sciences, Gen Ed classes, and other *****.

The reason that I cut? I have no ***** clue. I don't generally engage in self-destructive behavior, but I have this weird feeling sometimes that it's almost like I'm afraid to graduate, which is weird to me, because consciously, I can't ***** wait to graduate and get back with my friends and move to LA with them.

When I was 6 years old I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome and it radically changed my life. It got really bad for me around middle school, and my status as a fun-loving sociable kid plummeted to being the school's scapegoat and least liked person.

I was constantly attacked every day with vicious verbal and physical assaults from basically every single student in every single grade in my school. What's more, is that the teachers enjoyed bullying and making fun of me too. It was commonplace for teachers to make jokes at my expense to get the rest of the class to laugh so that the class would think the teachers were "cool" and "funny".

Ever since then I've had serious social problems. Once people get to know me, I'm a really funny, cool guy, but I have serious problems getting to know new people. I swear most people I meet for the first time either think I'm an insane person because I talk so much, or an insane person because I barely open my mouth at all.

I'm 23 years old, I've had about 3 real friends my entire life. I've never had a girlfriend--I've never so much as touched another member of the opposite sex (besides when I hug my family members, of course). It's not for lack of trying. I happen to think I'm relatively good looking.

When I was in high school I played ice hockey and was one of the top goalies in my entire state, getting voted twice in my three years of varsity ice hockey as an all-state select. I didn't have a date to go to my Junior or Senior proms, so I skipped them both.

Today, despite the fact that I know I'm good looking, funny, talented, smart, and engaging, it never quite clicks for me. I can't look girls in the eye. Even though my Tourette's is mostly gone, small traces still remain: I constantly am cracking my back, neck and shoulders--I almost look like I have Parkinson's or something when I'm having a bad day. I also ever so rarely stutter or falter in my speech. Between that and the creepy neck rolling it makes it pretty hard to talk to girls.

On top of everything else, my father recently passed away at the young age of 62. I had a really complicated relationship with my father. When I was little, he tore my family apart with his abuse of alcohol. He would constantly abuse me as a child, both physically and ESPECIALLY mentally, and even years after he got kicked out the house by my Mom, whenever I saw him, he would belittle me and berate me.

Around the time I started high school, he hit rock bottom and signed up for Alcoholics Anonymous, and it changed both of our lives. He got down on both knees in his apartment and tearfully begged me for my forgiveness. I gave him it, and very quickly he made up for his negative effect on me in the following years. For the rest of my high school days my father wasn't just like my dad: he was like my older brother and best friend wrapped up into one. I did everything with him. He was like an overly-aged teenager himself, so we became really, really close.

When I started university, he went broke, and relapsed. I could never trust him again, and my relationship with him became distant and strained.

Two months ago my sister and I met him for lunch in our local town. He was distant, and quiet. He had been in and out of mental hospitals for some time on suicide watch. He was living alone in a dump in a really bad neighborhood in The Bronx, and was barely getting by to not become a homeless person. He sat in total contemplation at the pizza place and didn't say anything the whole hour-long lunch.

We dropped him off at the train station, said "See you next week," and bid him farewell.

Two days later, on July 4th (I shit you not), we got a call from his local police department. In the ridiculous heat, my father had suffered a fatal heart attack on Independence Day, alone, in his apartment, with nobody to call for help.

My world was shattered. The man who had at one point been my closest friend who I had purposefully pushed away in recent years so as not to become hurt by him again was gone.

For the past few months I have done nothing. I haven't left my room. I've been incapable of writing (my chosen profession). Life has gone completely numb for me. I can't cry or mourn his passing. I can't feel... anything. It's like I, too, have died.

Or, at least, this is the way I had felt before starting the Emotional Healing Sub, which, so far, in my brief time of using it, has helped me a bit, little by little.

Without further ado, I present, Kalmah0804's Journal on Personal Development, starting with the Emotional Healing Sub.

Also, sorry for the long post Tongue

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-08-2014, 02:47 PM
Post: #2
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
My First Days

My first 10 days or so of using this sub were largely unremarkable. Before using the sub I had been receiving a lot of feedback from my friends and family that I had become incredibly hostile and really aggressive. So in my first 10 days or so of using this, the one major change I had noticed was that I had become a hell of a lot laid back. Like, seriously laid back. In a good way. My friends had been getting really sick of my *****, but around Day 9 or so of me using the sub, my best friend said something like, "You know, dude, you've been really chill the past few days." That made me smile before I called him out on being a loser and a douche Tongue

On Day 10, I had my first dream about my father since before his passing. It was... a really weird dream. I don't quite remember it all right now, but I do remember that he was in it... he had wanted me to fill out a list of some kind (I don't remember what it was) but I couldn't find his mailing address to send it to him and I couldn't get service on my cell phone to call him. It was disarming that my first dream about my father was so... mundane. I had been hoping to have some earth-shattering realization or sense of acceptance with my first father-related dream, but no... just confusion.

Day 17

I had been spending a few days in Canada visiting my extended family at the end of my summer vacation. Two of my older cousins just became fathers, and we had the whole family fly in from across North America to meet the two newest additions. It was really hard for me to see two new fathers spring up in my family.

I had a dream about my father the last night I was there that sent me into a fit of tears when I woke up. I had a dream that my father and I were planning this amazing-sounding trip to climb Mount Everest or something along those lines, but he went on the plane without me and the entire time I just kept on repeating the mantra of "He's gone and he's left me behind." I woke up crying and just sat there for 10 minutes before I collected myself.

Today

Today, it's my 20th day of using the program. My semester has started and I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm taking this acting class just for fun and there are a bunch of really cute girls in my class. I'm hoping that this is the semester that I meet someone significant, but it's always been a huge struggle with me and women, and I don't see that changing too soon. To be fair, I've been a lot better since starting this sub. I can make brief eye contact with girls on the subway or in class now, but I refuse to smile at them. If I smile at a cute girl, and she smiles back at me, I instinctively PANIC and look the **** away. I don't know why. I consciously tell myself how much of a retard I'm being, but it's not like a conscious decision--it's an instant REFLEX to look down or look away. And once I do that, I can't regain eye contact or make a move to start a conversation or anything.

I have trouble socializing, but I've been getting better lately. Recently I've started instinctively telling myself (in my head) that I'm actually a really swell guy whenever I have a negative thought about myself. Like, for instance, if I am talking with my friends and say "Dude, I'm so shitty at picking up girls", and my friends just agree (they're assholes) and say "Yeah, you are", a little voice in my head says "Chin up, dude, you're getting better, and you're not actually that bad." I never had that before, and I gotta say, it feels really nice Smile

I'm not sure what my plan for Subs should be going forward. I originally planned on using this sub for 96 days, but that will put me all the way pretty much into the end of the semester before I start using any other subs like Attract Beautiful Women or AM5. I'd really like to start those sooner--school is a really great place to socialize and meet new wonderful people, and I'd like to take advantage of that opportunity before I potentially leave in December. I just know that I won't be able to fully leap on this chance without a little support from either Attract Beautiful Women or AM5.

I kind of want to stop using this after 32 days, use Attract Beautiful Women for 96 days, and then go back to Emotional Healing for another 64 days before then moving on to AM5.

Will update as soon as I have anything new to add. Sorry for all of the long ass posts!

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-08-2014, 04:03 PM
Post: #3
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Good initial results.

Sorry to hear about your upbringing, I can identify with the bullying part and also having trauma in my life holding me back. But i've kept working on it and made alot of progress.. you can do it. Wink

-Ben
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GlaizenGold777
09-10-2014, 01:12 PM
Post: #4
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
First time writing in someone's journal, mainly because this is first time I feel like it deserves it.

Your story is not much different than my own, so I feel for you and admire who you are. Remember that these subs are not building your potential as much as they unlock what is already there and destroy what should not be. So keep up the good work and keep improving Smile

Also if I were you I'd go with your sub all the way without switching. I'm no expert but I think it's better to be patient and use all of sub's potential before switching to another one. At least this is what I'm gonna do with my LTU because I know the longer I'll be using LTU the better base I'll have for other subs.
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GlaizenGold777
09-10-2014, 02:19 PM
Post: #5
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(09-10-2014 01:12 PM)Mateunio Wrote:  First time writing in someone's journal, mainly because this is first time I feel like it deserves it.

Your story is not much different than my own, so I feel for you and admire who you are. Remember that these subs are not building your potential as much as they unlock what is already there and destroy what should not be. So keep up the good work and keep improving Smile

Also if I were you I'd go with your sub all the way without switching. I'm no expert but I think it's better to be patient and use all of sub's potential before switching to another one. At least this is what I'm gonna do with my LTU because I know the longer I'll be using LTU the better base I'll have for other subs.

Thanks for the reply man, it means a lot!

Yeah, I'd like to stick with Emotional Healing for as much as possible, I just don't know how much longer I should be sticking with it for. I've seen mixed numbers across this website. Some people say at least 60 days, other people recommend at least 90. I chose 96 since that's 3 32-day-long periods in a row, but like I said, I don't want to pass up this last opportunity to meet like-minded similarly-aged people through university classes and such without having gained at least a little bit of treatment from either Attract Beautiful Women or Absolute Self Confidence. Once December comes around and I've graduated I'll be in the real world, and for someone like me, it's hard to meet people in a public setting without having some common task/premise, such as a class or something, y'know? If I do Emotional Healing for 90+ days, it barely gives me 2 weeks or so to use any other Sub before my semester is over, and I just feel like it would be a waste of an opportunity to not have used some sub other than Emotional Healing before this semester is over.

If I go the 64 day route, I feel like I could potentially switch to an ASC or an ABW sub, but I'm afraid that maybe I'd be screwing myself over in the long run because I didn't run Emotional Healing long enough.

I did AM5 last year and it really did nothing for me. I ran ASC for 32 days this summer and it did largely nothing for me. The only reason I've started Emotional Healing is because I read someone's thread on the forums who was having similar problems to me and someone brought up that it could be subconscious resistance and that using Emotional Healing for a while should remove any psychological barriers one may have to utilizing other subliminals. Once I've completed my Emotional Healing phase, the actual heavy subwork can begin.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-10-2014, 02:40 PM
Post: #6
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Your last paragraph sums it up very well. My LTU is first Shannon's program I'm using but not my first sub and my problems with these was that effects would fade as soon as I stopped listening to them. That's why I'm gonna do everything right this time and I'll be running LTU at least until New Year, despite my academic calendar Smile As for you I think you should run it for those 64/96 days with strong commitment to stay with it for this whole time, and after that period try to distant yourself and ask yourself if your ready. When in doubt additional 32 days won't hurt (especially if there are results already), and destroying all the blocks will hopefully resolve your problems with Shannon's subs.
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GlaizenGold777
09-13-2014, 10:50 PM
Post: #7
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
kalmah0804, I understand your desire to use something else. However, after reading your journal, I strongly suggest that you run EHPRA for a MINIMUM of 3 months, and better still, 6. I know you don't want to miss out on women, or other things while you're in college, but please please trust me when I say this... because I have been in shoes very similar to yours and come through it... you need to heal your emotional traumas and build your self respect, self esteem and sense of self worth before you do anything else. That makes EHPRA the best possible program for you to do. It is the foundation builder for everything else.

Attraction programs are going to be a waste of time because they won't be helping you heal, and you're likely to self sabotage them out of fear. Even if they do work, the females you attract will be "perfect" for the damaged you, and hat will not make them the best option for you overall.

If you must do something besides EHPRA, use something that has EHPRA in it. Please heal yourself first. Trust me, that's the most important thing, and it will enable all the rest of your goals, subs-wise and otherwise. That's a big part of why I made EHPRA free.

Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
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09-14-2014, 11:17 AM
Post: #8
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(09-13-2014 10:50 PM)Shannon Wrote:  If you must do something besides EHPRA, use something that has EHPRA in it. Please heal yourself first. Trust me, that's the most important thing, and it will enable all the rest of your goals, subs-wise and otherwise. That's a big part of why I made EHPRA free.


Shannon, what do you think would be the difference in terms of healing after 6 months between someone using LTU, vs the same person using EHPRA?

Is OGSF the main part of it?

All fear is illusion.
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GlaizenGold777
09-14-2014, 01:05 PM (This post was last modified: 09-14-2014 01:06 PM by kalmah0804.)
Post: #9
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Thanks so much for the words of wisdom (and support) Shannon. I had a brief two days where I decided to try using ASC, and I was noticing immediately that the good mood that I had been experiencing with EHPRA went away immediately, and even though I felt more cocky and self-assured, I was bitter and actually really down on myself.

I went back to EHPRA now. I hope that taking a 2 day vacation doesn't mean I have to start all over. I am very determined to run EPHRA for at least 96 days (I may do the 6 month period depending on how I'm feeling after the end of 3 months).

Out of curiosity, which sub would you recommend I follow up after I've finished a 3-6 month period of EHPRA? I have at my disposal ASC 5G, Attract Beautiful Women 4G, and AM 4G as well. I was thinking I might do 64 days of ASC and Attract Beautiful Women each after I finished my EHPRA run as a base before running through the AM 4G program. Any thoughts?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
09-14-2014, 04:19 PM
Post: #10
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
I'm not Shannon but i'd say Alpha Male as it deals with alot of stuff and similar to what Shannon said it will help build a base for BIABW.

-Ben
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09-15-2014, 06:25 AM
Post: #11
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Okay, cool, thanks!

Also, one more quick question:

So far I've been using a set of bluetooth speakers to play my subs on Ultrasonic while I'm playing videogames/watching movies or tv/sleeping. I get maybe about 16 hours of exposure per day, sometimes closer to 14 or 12. I feel like I've been feeling lots of improvements with this set up but I also feel like maybe I should be feeling more?

I ran the audio speaker test on my bluetooth speakers and they stop playing audible sounds after about 22 or 23 seconds into the test. Out of curiosity, I played the audio test using the built-in speakers in my cell phone, and it passed the test perfectly.

My question is, should I be using my cell phone for this, even though there's a thread that says all phones are Mono? If my phone's speakers were actually Mono and not stereo, would it still pass the sound test? I just want to make sure I'm getting the absolute most out of these subs.

I don't know the exact specifications of my bluetooth speakers or my cell phone's speakers, and I can't find them anywhere online. I've got a Nokia Lumia 920 for a cell phone and I've been using a Damson Twist as my portable bluetooth speaker.

Should I continue to use my Damson Twist, or should I switch over to the cell phone speakers? I definitely feel like the cell phone speakers are way, way sharper and more powerful--the Damson Twist, even at high volumes, feels much more gentle and subtle, but I'm not sure which one is the "right" feeling. Any thoughts?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
09-15-2014, 11:54 AM
Post: #12
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(09-15-2014 06:25 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Okay, cool, thanks!

Also, one more quick question:

So far I've been using a set of bluetooth speakers to play my subs on Ultrasonic while I'm playing videogames/watching movies or tv/sleeping. I get maybe about 16 hours of exposure per day, sometimes closer to 14 or 12. I feel like I've been feeling lots of improvements with this set up but I also feel like maybe I should be feeling more?

I ran the audio speaker test on my bluetooth speakers and they stop playing audible sounds after about 22 or 23 seconds into the test. Out of curiosity, I played the audio test using the built-in speakers in my cell phone, and it passed the test perfectly.

My question is, should I be using my cell phone for this, even though there's a thread that says all phones are Mono? If my phone's speakers were actually Mono and not stereo, would it still pass the sound test? I just want to make sure I'm getting the absolute most out of these subs.

I don't know the exact specifications of my bluetooth speakers or my cell phone's speakers, and I can't find them anywhere online. I've got a Nokia Lumia 920 for a cell phone and I've been using a Damson Twist as my portable bluetooth speaker.

Should I continue to use my Damson Twist, or should I switch over to the cell phone speakers? I definitely feel like the cell phone speakers are way, way sharper and more powerful--the Damson Twist, even at high volumes, feels much more gentle and subtle, but I'm not sure which one is the "right" feeling. Any thoughts?

Shannon said in other thread you get only about 45% impact from the sub compared to stereo, becuase the information is in both channels. The only way I see is to buy different speakers. I am sceptic to listening from smartphones because I heard some of them don`t even deliver true stereo through jack but through data port (heard it about older iphones)
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GlaizenGold777
09-15-2014, 12:34 PM
Post: #13
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Hmmm damnit that really sucks. But if my phone passes the audio speaker test doesn't that mean it works totally fine?

I guess I gotta buy new speakers on amazon and start all over :/

Does anyone have a set preferably under $30 USD on amazon they'd recommend me?

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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GlaizenGold777
09-15-2014, 03:37 PM
Post: #14
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
(09-15-2014 12:34 PM)kalmah0804 Wrote:  Hmmm damnit that really sucks. But if my phone passes the audio speaker test doesn't that mean it works totally fine?

If you think of the audio test you can download here so it tests the frequency range, not if the device delivers stereo. Besides here is a test I am not aware of.
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GlaizenGold777
09-17-2014, 10:07 AM
Post: #15
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 29

So I did some more research and it turns out that my set of speakers actually does work, and that I have been getting the most I can out of the subliminal when I listen to it from my speaker. I ordered a better more stable one for $20 USD on Amazon and it arrived at my house this morning.

Unfortunately, these past 4 or 5 days I've seriously taken a toll for the worse. I don't know what's changed--I've really been listening to the sub using the same set up and the same volume levels and amount of hours per day that I normally do, but these past 4 or 5 days I've been really insecure about myself and really depressed.

I guess it all started earlier last week in my acting class. There are a couple of cute girls in my acting class, and I was admittedly really into one of them in particular. By pure good luck, we got paired up to be acting partners in a scene and were supposed to rehearse with each other over the weekend. She seemed extremely hesitant to give me her phone number, facebook page, or even her email address to set up a time to rehearse with me, which I found odd, because I most definitely didn't say or do anything odd, and she was always laughing at my jokes and comments.

She continuously cancelled on me several times over the weekend, and on Monday, in class, she told me she didn't want me to act out any of the physical actions in the scene we were playing (which included touching her arm, holding up one of her hands, and eventually slightly leaning in for a kiss before the scene ended before I can actually kiss her). I realized that I made her uncomfortable. I didn't say anything about it and just accepted her proposal.

This made me a lot more aware of the responses I got from my interactions with women on a daily basis. I began to play close attention to their reactions, both from women I talk to randomly, and from women I already know from classes and such.

I get the sense that they're all made really uncomfortable by me, or at least think I'm weird, and it really depresses me and gets me upset. I don't really ever say anything awkward or uncomfortable. I don't mumble or avoid eye contact or do anything creepy/weird/antisocial. I talk to all people, including women, with upbeat positiveness, a big smile, and a lot of in-the-moment clever humor. I make a lot of guy friends quite easily, but when it comes to girls, for some strange reason, they're really uncomfortable around me.

I'm not overweight. I have excellent hygiene, I dress well (at least I feel that I do), I have well-groomed hair, nails and skin, I'm tall and have the lanky build of an athlete. I have short brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a straight, white, often-used smile. I have really charming conversational skills, but for some stupid, ridiculous reason, all of the girls I talk to, even when I'm not flirting with them, seem really disturbed by me, and it has put me into this ridiculous depressed state these past few days.

I've been thinking about all of the ugly, boring, dumb, dirty, morbidly obese, bland, or any other undesirable group of people out there in the world who have had at least one romantic/sexual experience with the opposite sex, who are at least found attractive by SOMEONE. It's so depressing to me that despite me projecting my confidence, despite all of my efforts, despite my charming personality, my (I feel) good looks, despite my talent, my promise, my wonderful assets, I'm turning into the 40 year old Virgin here. Actually, even worse than the 40 year old Virgin--I've never even kissed a girl. It's pathetic, and because of all of the judgement I get from the women around me, I feel worthless, hopeless, unloved, undesired, and empty.

I desperately want to improve myself, and try so hard each and every day to make myself a better person so that someone out there will want me, but despite all of my best efforts, I feel like I'm wanted by no one. I mean, sure, my Mom loves me, but that's somehow even more depressing to me, lol. I just feel really worthless and pathetic.

I'm hoping that something good will happen to me in the next few days to lift my spirits up, because God knows right now I feel like life is boring, pointless, and a waste of hope and energy.

As always, thanks to everyone who reads.

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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09-17-2014, 10:25 AM
Post: #16
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Keep going Kalmah you are experiencing some resistance which shows the sub is affecting you. Keep playing it as you are and these insecurities will pass. I have found similar issues while doing AM in that I would get insecure, wonder why no one fancies me and even why do my parents love me when I'm such a failure to them. Just mow through and these feelings are eventually replaced with great onesBig Grin
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GlaizenGold777
09-17-2014, 11:53 AM
Post: #17
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Hello, it's me again, and now that you posted an update it's time for me to spam on your journal once again.

I have many things to say after your update, but first of all I want to assure you you're not the only one like that. I kissed (or rather was kissing) a girl once and it was on a rock festival, completely drunk. I am also scared and insecure, I also wonder what's wrong with me and why things are as they are then everyone who knows me well tells me how cool person I am. I'm on my third week of LTU now and I have my ups and downs with it, but when in doubt one thing is clear to me: thing will get better. If not thanks to the subs I'm listening to 16h/day, than by myself I'm gonna improve my life and I'm gonna get rid off what if wrong in it. And I hope you can see it as well.

And when it comes to the girls, maybe she also had some issues? Didn't you think of it? Did you think to talk with her about it, why does she shy away from physical contact? I bet it's not problem with you, it's problem with her. And even if you can't help her deal with it, you can at least know it's not your fault. Everyone has history and issues, not just you. Use some empathy and think as other people think. Be in their shoes as the saying goes. It's easy to blame things on yourself, how big of a failure you are, it's harder to understand that other people's lives aren't perfect as well.

If I was to give you an advice about her - be honest with her. Show her there is nothing to fear and touching her doesn't mean you want to **** her or for whatever reason she's not ready to be physical with you. When it comes to subs in general - stay true to whatever your goal is. If it doesn't work there is little you can do about it, maybe your block are too hard or maybe it just doesn't work for you well enough. But remember, you lose little by listening to it (and I already made covers for my parents and by roommates why I'm listening to it Smile ), and you have so much to win. In the end I hope you will accomplish your goals because it will mean I can accomplish them too! Keep on going and keep on posting, cause it's more important than you think!
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GlaizenGold777
09-17-2014, 09:21 PM
Post: #18
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Try this. Don't try too hard. See the irony?

I feel like me and you are pretty similar in terms of that awkwardness you talk about however I've grown out of it, and still there are times when there is preppy girls who probably think I'm weird or make them feel uncomfortable but realize you can't make everyone happy. You are trying to grow as a person yet are trying to forget where you came from. You don't have to find girls who are up to the standards you want, because in reality, you'll never find the "perfect girl" but you can build eachother to be perfect for eachother. If that makes sense. Think of it this way, you are actively trying to improve so your beliefs and desires are actively and always changing. You're changing so much that when someone gets slightly comfortable with you, you probably act out something that you heard on some youtube confidence video, or some book you read and what not, and become in-congruent to who you really are at that moment and the chick thinks(well actually her subconscious thinks), wait he's completely different then when I first met him, why is he jumping all over the place, something is not "safe" about him and they consciously get confused and label it to which ever they feel best is the word "Weird, awkward, etc". Yes you want to be what those videos and books describe you as, but if you "TRY" to be those instead of letting the process happen, which can be broken down to as saying, work on things one at a time, till it's you. And then start adding other things you've learnt till it's "you". As much as we all on this Forum/board especially, love change, we have to realize that at some point, we have to find our inner core values and expand upon those eventually if you want, instead of jumping so much because we'll always feel like an outcast in any place or group.
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09-18-2014, 11:52 AM
Post: #19
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
kalmah
Man trust me. Even though Ive made out or had sex or whatever, lately I feel that I have become a virgin since its been a long time since I had sex.
I have been very fortunate to have wonderful parents, but I had my fair share of problems too. Different ones to yours. But the problems were not too bad, I had this tendency to move on very fast, but I feel what you are going through.
I am now reinventing myself little by little with ASC 5g. I think I am becoming better than the best I had ever been, I am not needy, there was a chick that I wanted to **** for a very long time and when she presented herself, I totally ignored her, but shes my friend, so for the first time in a long time I friend zoned a girl.
Take Shannon's advice. I really don't like to advice anyone, especially online, but I just wanted to lend my hand to you and let you know that you are not alone. Do not limit your chances by saying that school or college is the only place where you can bang girls...trust me, thats all *****.
I banged zero while in college, and I was banging like marathon and having sex for breakfast after I finished my college, probably due to explosive confidence I had since I found a job during a time when most or the Alpha males or the most popular guys in the college were jobless. Yes, after I banged some chick, I would discuss if her boyfriend found a job.You see what I did there?
In the college, they literally didn't look at me. I was a foreigner from the east, nerdy kinda guy, I was insanely scared to shit when a local chick even asked me for directions. And local girls don't like to be seen with a foreigner,
But lately for the past few years, things have not gone that well and I am working on it.
All I am saying to you is, be patient my friend, be patient, enjoy the process and some day, sooner or later you will be posting your amazing experiences here,
sorry for the long post.
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09-23-2014, 03:17 AM
Post: #20
RE: Alteration -- Kalmah0804's Emotional Healing & Others Journal
Day 35

So last night I had my first dream since I started this thing that wasn't about my Dad.

Over the past few days I've really been feeling like I've been regressing, but after last night, I've woken up with a renewed sense of vigor and eagerness that I've been void of for months.

I had this really bizarre dream last night that has still really stayed with me, and I'd like to share it (even though it's weird as hell Tongue).

So in the US there used to be this cartoon called Ed, Edd n' Eddy that aired when I was a kid. I was never really that big of a fan of it, but lots of my friends are. The show is really weird and is filled with lots of strange, eccentric characters.

Anyways, I had this dream where I found a report online that showed that all of the characters in Ed, Edd n' Eddy had either social, learning, or mental disabilities. Some of them I remember were real, like Bipolar, Borderline, Anti-social Personality, ADHD, OCD, Huntington's Disease, etc.

Some of them were completely made up (I don't remember any of the made up ones, although I'm sure if I could, they'd be hysterical).

Anyways, before I could really do anything more with this report, the dream changed, and it was me, in my future, years later, as the lead singer/guitarist/song writer of a really famous thrash metal band. We were recording a music video to our new hit single, and the lyrics were all about man-ing up, sticking up for yourself, and not giving a **** about anyone else, not letting anyone else get the **** in your way--that kind of thing.

I woke up mid-music video, but I gained a sense of meaning from the dream. It felt like my subconscious was pretty blatantly telling me to ignore my tourettes, not to feel uncomfortable about it, because lots of other people have their own damn problems to worry about, and also to be more assertive, to believe in myself, to never back down, to never let people take control of my life or bar me from getting what I want.

Thanks for the message subconscious! Now if I could only heal enough to actually be able to execute that stuff without having to constantly think about it Dodgy

Like snowfall, you cry a silent storm
Your tears paint rivers on this oaken wall. . .


-- Agalloch, The Mantle
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